You Love My Lady Blumps

I’m in a bit of a blog slump.

I’m calling it a “blump.”

As you can tell I have quite a way with. . . um. . .you know, those things? Those things that fall from people’s mouths, but you can’t see them? You hear them. Those things or as I call them. . . um. . . invisible mouth falls. I am an invisible mouth falls-smith.

So the writing isn’t the toaster at all. Quite the contrary, it is quite fishsticks.

The problem is one of motivation.

I am totally crushing it in other facets of my life. For instance, my pizza shop is doing extremely well in Webkinz world.


And just yesterday, I took off the pair of sweatpants I had worn for three consecutive days in a row and put on another pair of sweatpants.

But I’m just feeling, as the French say, ma voiture est jaune.

I am not alone in this malaise. Becky of the unbelievable Becky Says Things blames the polar vortex and Nicki of the amazing Nicki Daniels Interview blames the cabin fever one succumbs to when one lives in the polar vortex.

polarshitshowThey may be on to something.

It might have something to do with this book I’m reading. It’s called The Sixth Extinction and it’s about our role in the extinction of countless species which may ultimately lead to our own extinction. To put it simply: we are fucked. Royally.

I just finished the chapter on frogs. Frogs are the cockroaches of animals. They can live anywhere except for Antarctica because SMART! They have been around longer than dinosaurs. And now they are dying and becoming extinct. Likely when I just typed this sentence, another frog species bit the dust.

So everything is awful and the world is ending, and this might be why I don’t want to write about Lindsay Lohan’s new reality show at OWN. What am I saying? Of course I will be writing about that.

There still is some pffttt happening. And the pffttt could be because some people have gotten a woody in the pants from the polar vortex. As if extreme cold is normal and not something to freak the fuck out about.

rushdickSo there.


At least I know how to end a blog post appro


  1. Now I have the opposite weather and the same symptoms. It is just too damn hot to do anything. I just want to melt into a puddle of goo. Instead I am trying very hard to look productive while doing squat.

  2. I’m also in a blump. I blame the solar vortex above Australia.

    And the fact that I just read that Lyndsay has a show on OWN. Mankind is indeed fucked. Royally.

  3. I blame the weather for everything because I work in a space where I’m trapped behind bars, iron ones not the kind that serve anything anesthetizing floating in a glass, and when I look outside all I see are acres of frozen, filthy snow and pigeons practicing the kama sutra on the tops of air conditioners with abandon. I wish I could hibernate until April.

  4. Cheer up – worse things happen at sea. And take heart from the fact that as one species vanishes another unknown species pops up:

    These are all interesting and good news but the one that has really rocked my boat is:

    Marsupials with suicidal sex habits – woah! that is something don’t you think??

    As somebody called Shakespeare once said ‘there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy’ — substitute one’s own name for the name Horatio and you’ll get his general drift.

    1. Not meaning to sound like a pointdexter nerd (but I’m going to anyways), but many people are using this polar vortex term incorrectly.

      The polar vortex has been weakened by warming trends, which has allowed these cold air blasts to come down from the Arctic.

      “Other researchers have noted a statistical correlation between periods when the polar vortex is weak and outbreaks of severe cold in many Northern Hemisphere cities.”

      (Stratospheric Polar Vortex Influences Winter Cold, Researchers Say, December 1, 2001, NASA Earth Observatory)

      I don’t know what speaker’s comment moderation is set to, or I’d provide the link.

  5. I’m in a blump too! Can’t even get it together to write on my trip to Argentina, which really was amazing and i have great photos to share but …. why bother? leaps to mind. Like a frog, going extinct. (did you see the author on Jon Stewart? he asked her what was the silver lining or upbeat takeaway and she said … ummm, there isn’t one)

  6. I was laughing until I saw the picture of Rush. Now I am frowning. Both his statements are surely lies. And I am not in a blump. I am blogging as much as ever. The QUALITY of my writing has succumbed to the Polar Vortex, however.

    1. Your quality of writing has been blasted because the polar vortex has weakened?

      (See my earlier comment. When the polar vortex is strong, cold air stays in the Arctic. When the polar vortex is weakened, cold air sneaks down. Yes, I am a nerd. And a dork.)

      1. How sweet of you to say so! I can beat up the cold, provided there’s no humidity. Nerve damage means snow or rain (hot or cold) starts kicking my ass.

      1. The Polar Vortex came into my house in the dead of night, tied me down, and surgically applied enormous saddlebags to my previously-svelte thighs. Oh, and they Super=glued a pan of brownies to my hands. Brownies with chocolate chips and frosting. 13 x 9 pan.

        I didn’t stand a chance.

  7. Great post, per usual. I’m glad your blump is ending. And thanks for the shout out. But even better was your shout out to Becky, so I could discover her blog. How have I been surviving without Stickman?

    1. Becky is the greatest and I am envious of her stick drawings. They make Hugo look like a polar vortex stuck up Rush Limbaugh’s bottom.
      See?? I still gots it!

  8. Wait, I thought cockroaches were the cockroaches of the animal world. Clearly, it is time for a new pair of sweatpants here. I call them yoga pants, and I immediately feel more fit.

  9. It seem everyone is experiences a blump (excellent word, by the way – I shall be contacting the Oxford English Dictionary immediately to get it registered). Fortunately, super dudes like you can still be brilliantly amusing whilst experiencing a blump 🙂
    Congratulations on your pizza shop by the way. Excellent stuff.

  10. I have not read the posts on the polar vortex and how they are to blame for my total lack of motivation when it comes to productive work of any kind. I must correct that. I have successfully written posts on eating baby powder donuts and dating your car and sex in trees but that makes you just feel even worse about the world. Also there’s Rush Limbaugh. And you start wondering when speaker’s going to do more recraps of those insipid dating shows because where ELSE are all the freaks on TLC going to go after the get out of the ER?

    1. I did see that one about the guy dating his car. It was hot!! I don’t think I know the correct words.
      I am going to watch that Lindsay thing because I am sad and just one step away from going to the ER with a waffle iron on my peen.

  11. I blame short days. And work. And the dog. All that together can create a pretty huge blump. But it sounds like your blump is on its way to being resolved. Glad to have you back.

  12. “Appropriately.”

    OK. Now, I feel better. My brain was so focused on that I forgot what else I was going to say. I’m currently fighting my way out of a blump.

  13. Good news, Rush Limbaugh is actually a frog. As someone who enjoys listening to my car stereo really loud, I’ve been advised to avoid both Rush’s ween as well as Florida, just in case they’re somehow connected.

  14. Omg the Rush L with the quote and what have you: that’s why I love you. And also? It’s totally okay to wear the same sweat pants for three days in a row. It’s better if you have three pairs of the same ones and alternate, but it’s still okay.

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