I’m in a bit of a blog slump.
I’m calling it a “blump.”
As you can tell I have quite a way with. . . um. . .you know, those things? Those things that fall from people’s mouths, but you can’t see them? You hear them. Those things or as I call them. . . um. . . invisible mouth falls. I am an invisible mouth falls-smith.
So the writing isn’t the toaster at all. Quite the contrary, it is quite fishsticks.
The problem is one of motivation.
I am totally crushing it in other facets of my life. For instance, my pizza shop is doing extremely well in Webkinz world.
And just yesterday, I took off the pair of sweatpants I had worn for three consecutive days in a row and put on another pair of sweatpants.
But I’m just feeling, as the French say, ma voiture est jaune.
I am not alone in this malaise. Becky of the unbelievable Becky Says Things blames the polar vortex and Nicki of the amazing Nicki Daniels Interview blames the cabin fever one succumbs to when one lives in the polar vortex.
They may be on to something.
It might have something to do with this book I’m reading. It’s called The Sixth Extinction and it’s about our role in the extinction of countless species which may ultimately lead to our own extinction. To put it simply: we are fucked. Royally.
I just finished the chapter on frogs. Frogs are the cockroaches of animals. They can live anywhere except for Antarctica because SMART! They have been around longer than dinosaurs. And now they are dying and becoming extinct. Likely when I just typed this sentence, another frog species bit the dust.
So everything is awful and the world is ending, and this might be why I don’t want to write about Lindsay Lohan’s new reality show at OWN. What am I saying? Of course I will be writing about that.
There still is some pffttt happening. And the pffttt could be because some people have gotten a woody in the pants from the polar vortex. As if extreme cold is normal and not something to freak the fuck out about.
So there.
Blumpsville.
At least I know how to end a blog post appro
Speaker7 
Now I have the opposite weather and the same symptoms. It is just too damn hot to do anything. I just want to melt into a puddle of goo. Instead I am trying very hard to look productive while doing squat.
I think I would choose too cold over too hot. I always find it troubling to sweat profusely while I eat.
Absolutely. On the up side I don’t comfort eat when is hot. Except for ice-cream. I eat ice-cream.
You are brilliant, this post was hilarious and I’m quite certain Rush does not have a Florida-sized penis.
Okay, that is all. I have to go put on another pair of sweatpants now.
I believe Rush has a flaccid-size penis.
This.
true dat (this was the first time I’ve ever used this phrase because I am THAT confident in his penis’s flaccidity)
I’m pretty sure Rush IS a penis. He is certainly a DICK.
[giggling like mad] He really does resemble a penis, it’s uncanny.
And he acts like one too …
I’m also in a blump. I blame the solar vortex above Australia.
And the fact that I just read that Lyndsay has a show on OWN. Mankind is indeed fucked. Royally.
All is lost.
I blame the weather for everything because I work in a space where I’m trapped behind bars, iron ones not the kind that serve anything anesthetizing floating in a glass, and when I look outside all I see are acres of frozen, filthy snow and pigeons practicing the kama sutra on the tops of air conditioners with abandon. I wish I could hibernate until April.
The pigeons clearly have the key to happiness.
Thank you for that webkinz joke. I really needed it.
The real joke is the many hours I spend playing it so I can buy my chimp Floozie a tiara.
For someone who’s in a blump, this post was still awesome and hilarious.
Also, FROGS? Say it ain’t so! They are my favorite.
We have really done a number on Kermit and all his friends. I don’t mind so much about Robin, Kermit’s nephew, because he’s pretty annoying.
I’ve missed you — and everybody else who has fallen into the Polar Vortex. Come back, Auntie Em, Come Back!
Aww…thanks Elyse. I’m feeling a bit more motivated. I’m wearing clothes one can wear outside so that is a huge step.
That’s a relief. I was tired of seeing you in those sweatpants.
“I’ve got a polar vortex in my pants.” Tried it. Didn’t work.
“Is that the polar vortex or are you just happy to see me?”
Zing!
Cheer up – worse things happen at sea. And take heart from the fact that as one species vanishes another unknown species pops up:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthpicturegalleries/9753208/New-species-found-walking-catfish-Beelzebub-bat-and-two-legged-lizard.html?frame=2431144
These are all interesting and good news but the one that has really rocked my boat is:
http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/feb/20/marsupials-suicidal-sex-habits-new-species
Marsupials with suicidal sex habits – woah! that is something don’t you think??
As somebody called Shakespeare once said ‘there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy’ — substitute one’s own name for the name Horatio and you’ll get his general drift.
That Beelzebub bat looks pretty cool.
Damn. I live in the ass blast of the polar vortex. No wonder the weather around here stinks.
We live in the ass blast of everything, neighbor.
Indeed we do. But, hey, 50 degrees today!
Not meaning to sound like a pointdexter nerd (but I’m going to anyways), but many people are using this polar vortex term incorrectly.
The polar vortex has been weakened by warming trends, which has allowed these cold air blasts to come down from the Arctic.
“Other researchers have noted a statistical correlation between periods when the polar vortex is weak and outbreaks of severe cold in many Northern Hemisphere cities.”
(Stratospheric Polar Vortex Influences Winter Cold, Researchers Say, December 1, 2001, NASA Earth Observatory)
I don’t know what speaker’s comment moderation is set to, or I’d provide the link.
It’s set to polar vortex.
Fair enough, but I’ll try anyways:
http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/Newsroom/view.php?id=22082
did the link get a deep freeze?
I’m in a blump too! Can’t even get it together to write on my trip to Argentina, which really was amazing and i have great photos to share but …. why bother? leaps to mind. Like a frog, going extinct. (did you see the author on Jon Stewart? he asked her what was the silver lining or upbeat takeaway and she said … ummm, there isn’t one)
I didn’t see her on The Daily Show. I read the review in the New York Times Book Review and thought “hmmm…this might cheer me up.”
I was laughing until I saw the picture of Rush. Now I am frowning. Both his statements are surely lies. And I am not in a blump. I am blogging as much as ever. The QUALITY of my writing has succumbed to the Polar Vortex, however.
Your quality of writing has been blasted because the polar vortex has weakened?
(See my earlier comment. When the polar vortex is strong, cold air stays in the Arctic. When the polar vortex is weakened, cold air sneaks down. Yes, I am a nerd. And a dork.)
Despite your nerdy dorkness, I bet you can still beat up the polar vortex.
How sweet of you to say so! I can beat up the cold, provided there’s no humidity. Nerve damage means snow or rain (hot or cold) starts kicking my ass.
The Polar Vortex is the root of all problems including my inability to stop watching TV.
The Polar Vortex came into my house in the dead of night, tied me down, and surgically applied enormous saddlebags to my previously-svelte thighs. Oh, and they Super=glued a pan of brownies to my hands. Brownies with chocolate chips and frosting. 13 x 9 pan.
I didn’t stand a chance.
So clever! For someone in a blump, you do fantastic work still, especially the ending. 🙂
Thank you so much for your com
Great post, per usual. I’m glad your blump is ending. And thanks for the shout out. But even better was your shout out to Becky, so I could discover her blog. How have I been surviving without Stickman?
Becky is the greatest and I am envious of her stick drawings. They make Hugo look like a polar vortex stuck up Rush Limbaugh’s bottom.
See?? I still gots it!
Wait, I thought cockroaches were the cockroaches of the animal world. Clearly, it is time for a new pair of sweatpants here. I call them yoga pants, and I immediately feel more fit.
I believe cockroaches are a kind of fruit like tomatoes. And are yoga pants all one needs to do yoga because if yes, I am a guru.
I embrace each and every one of these premises. Also, I refuse to leave the premises.
It seem everyone is experiences a blump (excellent word, by the way – I shall be contacting the Oxford English Dictionary immediately to get it registered). Fortunately, super dudes like you can still be brilliantly amusing whilst experiencing a blump 🙂
Congratulations on your pizza shop by the way. Excellent stuff.
I am really quite proud of my pizza business because I am pathetic.
I have not read the posts on the polar vortex and how they are to blame for my total lack of motivation when it comes to productive work of any kind. I must correct that. I have successfully written posts on eating baby powder donuts and dating your car and sex in trees but that makes you just feel even worse about the world. Also there’s Rush Limbaugh. And you start wondering when speaker’s going to do more recraps of those insipid dating shows because where ELSE are all the freaks on TLC going to go after the get out of the ER?
I did see that one about the guy dating his car. It was hot!! I don’t think I know the correct words.
I am going to watch that Lindsay thing because I am sad and just one step away from going to the ER with a waffle iron on my peen.
I blame short days. And work. And the dog. All that together can create a pretty huge blump. But it sounds like your blump is on its way to being resolved. Glad to have you back.
My blump is nearly blover.
“Appropriately.”
OK. Now, I feel better. My brain was so focused on that I forgot what else I was going to say. I’m currently fighting my way out of a blump.
We could start a whole blump series on how you finish my sent
Make it stop!!!!
Oh, and sentences. Because I can’t control myself. It’s a disease. 🙂
Rush Limbaugh’s penis IS the size of Florida – on this map: http://www.i2clipart.com/clipart-united-states-map-with-capitals-and-state-names-98f8
Perfection.
What the blump did you just say??? Something about penises and Florida??
I don’t blumpin know. I’m so overwhelmed by my pizza business, it’s hard to think.
Good news, Rush Limbaugh is actually a frog. As someone who enjoys listening to my car stereo really loud, I’ve been advised to avoid both Rush’s ween as well as Florida, just in case they’re somehow connected.
The truth is out there.
My, my. You really DO have a way with those invisible mouth-fall thingies. Can I have deep-dish pepperoni with extra cheese?
Thank you. I hate to brag, but you know how some people don’t have a way with words? Well, I have. . .um. . .way and things and fishsticks.
Three days is too long before changing into a new pair of sweatpants? What is acceptable? If I am stuck in the cabin with the vortex fever no one sees me/them.
Hahaha…S7, I have been feeling the same way. I blame the winter. My brain is frozen.
I hate BLUMPS!
No, wait…. I’m thinking of blimps. Where are my sweatpants?
Omg the Rush L with the quote and what have you: that’s why I love you. And also? It’s totally okay to wear the same sweat pants for three days in a row. It’s better if you have three pairs of the same ones and alternate, but it’s still okay.
The guy in the pic states that his penis is the size of a Florida. Which one?