On a recent trip to the liquor store, I learned that this exists:
Bottle also serves as a handy butt plug.
I knew of other tie-ins with the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy like a soundtrack, a neck tie and a flushable tampon (maybe) so the inclusion of wine is not all surprising.
Wine plays a big role in the books–at least it did for me because I needed to drink quite a bit of it to slog through the 15,000 pages dealing with Ana’s dampness and Christian’s hair-thrusting.
The wine website includes a choice Christian quote that reminded me why I was drunk most of the time:
“If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.”
Awwww……..
So romantic?
I planned to write a post saying the wine likely tasted of hackneyed writing, greased butt plugs and despair, but that felt too easy, and, as you may be aware by reading my recraps of the series, I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself.
I felt humiliated purchasing the bottle so I figured it put me in the right mindset to sample it.
I feel so defeated…let’s crack this puppy open!
I must confess something. I’m not exactly sophisticated. While I do sometimes wear a top hat and cape whilst watching Real Housewives of Dogpatch, I know very little about the art of drinking wine. I know there’s a lot of sniffing and swishing and spitting and sobbing and drunk Facebooking, but that’s about it.
I decided to do a search and thought about the perfect search terms to get exactly what I needed:
This led to a picture of Christian Bale in American Psycho. Not bad, Google.
I tried another tactic and found an article on how to taste wine “like a pro.”
Apparently it is important to place the wine into a glass rather than an old shoe or a taxidermied hamster. Fair point, well made, wine-tasting article.
I didn’t want to use any ol’ glass, but something extra special.
Next, you hold the glass in your hand rather than something else like a foot or nipple clamp.
Nailed it.
You swish it around or I swear to god, I will beat you…sorry, sorry,…I just channeled Christian Grey for a second. Swish it around in the glass, then taste it with different parts of your tongue. This makes more sense then dumping the contents over your head.
It’s recommended to pair red wine with cumin-spiced burgers topped with Harissa mayo.
whole wheat pop cakes were likely a second option.
Hmmmm. It sort of smells like feet or tires, but maybe that’s the Hugo mug? It tastes a bit bitter and makes my tongue feel numb like I just injected it with novocaine. How bizarre–the exact reaction the books had on my brain.
I’m forgetting one of my important drinking rules, which is never drink alone.
It’s 5 p.m. somewhere, right? Up top. 
For those unfamiliar, Hugo and Goofy were the stars of my Fifty Shades recrap. What do you think Goofy?
Hugo?
There you have it, folks. Two butt plugs down.
Speaker7 
That was hilarious. Now I have to go back and read your recraps. I read the first book and was confused. How did a horny 15 year old boy get published and get so much attention?
Thank you. It makes me so unhappy that not only has E.L. James ruined books, but now she has ruined wine.
I’m so sorry you had to drink (and read) that, Speaker7. I have so many of your recraps and 50 Shades posts to catch up on.
Don’t feel bad,I’ve never quite gotten the hang of wine drinking either.
I admit I had a bit of a bias when I tried the wine due to my seething hatred of the series, but the wine really tasted blecch, like the sound I make whenever Christian mentions how he owns Ana’s vagina.
You. crack. me. up. Your sense of humor is like none other I’ve even encountered and that is a beautiful thing. That has to be the greatest google search I’ve ever heard of. I may now have to pick up a bottle of mommy porn wine, swish it around, smack my ass and chase it down with shame.
I am a librarian so I do understand the importance of using proper search terms. I salute you for coming up with the proper way to drink the wine. Maybe it will taste better if I try it in that fashion.
Ooh! Did it have subtle fruity undertones mixed with the pungent aroma of self-loathing? If so, that’s my kind of vino. Just right for drunk facebooking.
It had the bouquet of cliche-driven reindeer and the undertone of sweat socks. It was delicious.
As long as it doesn’t taste like Ana’s . . . oh I just grossed myself out.
Oh. My. God. I didn’t even think of that possibility…it makes so much sense now. Should I just remove my tongue? And my brain, and soak them in bleach?
I think that’d be best. Also, don’t think of making a wine float with this. You know, with ice cream make it stop, make it stopppp!
Thank you, once again, for saving me from ever having to personally sample anything to do with 50 Shades of Grey. You have my undying gratitude.
I feel like I have found my purpose in life.
This was too funny, but I have to admit, the Christian Bale part was my favorite.
E.L. James should admit that she modeled Christian Grey after that character.
Literature, music, wine – there is nothing James can’t taint! I would say James drank a lot of that crap herself before writing, but even drunk most people could write better and saner than that. I am glad to see that Goofy is safe and well. I figured Hugo had buried her in the backyard somewhere as an act of twu luv.
Just as long as she doesn’t mess with my best friend TV.
Goofy and Hugo are war buddies, having suffered through the worst experience of their lives together.
Oh, God, I just thought of a 50 Shades of Grey sitcom. Bang, zoom, to the moon! Only he actually does it. Cue laugh track. I may have to hide from all media.
Why are you giving E.L. James ideas!?! You know she can’t come up with this stuff on her own.
Fair point, well made . . . shit.
I’m thinking this wine should always be the third bottle. Or the fourth.
It really is the best when you’ve had the worst day of your life, and you’ve gone through everything else in the house–the cooking wine, the Robitussin, the humidifier cleaner. Then it is so, so good.
I think it’s better than you are admitting. Goofy looks content. And you wouldn’t want the price to go up.
Goofy always has that expression even when I was reading the book aloud to her. It was one of those incidences where I took a sip and felt my face cave in like I just swallowed a bunch of lemon juice or poorly-made wine based on a shitty book.
At least in the case of the wine, putting a cork in it doesn’t involve lubricant.
That might be the perfect tagline for this wine. Right now it reads: “You. Are. Mine.” which makes me want to punch the bottle in the face.
I find it funny that Hugo drinks whine from a cup with his on likeness on it.
Only the best for Hugo. I hope to come out with a whole line of kitchenware with his face.
Appetite suppressant?
You are a genius! I could create a whole weight loss empire on top of it. I could be the next Jillian Michaels without all the soulless shrieking.
Whoa! It’s Sunday and the liquor stores are not open yet but guess where I’m headed to when they do! A glass of this wine washed down with my silver balls is all I can ever ask for.
That sounds like a perfect Sunday afternoon.
When I first read the part about the Christian quote, I thought, “You mean, like, a Bible verse?” But no. Butt. No.
“In the beginning, E.L. James created Ana and then Christian and then everything went to crap.” FoG 1:1
I promise you, not a drop of Fifty Shades wine will ever taint my own Hugo mug. He told me he’s cool with beer. And then he slapped me.
That sounds about right.
MUST. HAVE. A. HUGO. MUG.
It is a very precious ceramic. Only a few in existence.
I weep.
1. “It’s 5 p.m. somewhere, right?” My personal rule is to emulate the British Navy and never have a drink (of alcohol) until the sun is over the yard-arm. But then, the sun is always over the yard-arm somewhere in the world so that gives me a lot of leeway.
2. Pardon me from being old and naive, but what exactly IS a butt-plug and why would one want one?
3. If people are buying this wine they have more money than sense.
Thanks for an entertaining post and hugs and kisses for Hugo.
re #2: It is inserted in the rectum, like a baby’s thermometer, and some folks derive pleasure from such a thing.
I like your personal rule, it feels very official. I might incorporate it. And thanks jaklumen for the butt plug definition.
But, but, but. Fifty Shades is thoughtful and compelling writing and I’m distraught over your suggestions to the contrary! 😉 Now where’s that wine?
I would recommend drinking quite a bit of some other wine before getting to the Fifty Shades. It’s best to be in a catatonic state before sampling.
Ha! 🙂
Speaker 7 I think this may be the best comment thread I’ve ever read. Lubricants. Scripture. Day drinking. Self loathing. I’m going to go get my bottle of Robitussin I keep in the diaper bag and cheers to comic greatness.
Thanks so much for the kindness. I think you can come up with same list of subjects in the Bible.
I was going to let that list of subjects lead in to a joke about a Catholic priest but I didn’t want the haters to hate. Glad you took it there for me.
I’ll stick with beer.
Red wine makes my vomit look blood filled, and who wants that so early in the morning?
Very true. It tends to put a damper on the day.
This was the first thing I noticed:
Bottle also serves as a handy butt plug.
and this was the last thing I noticed:
It’s recommended to pair red wine with cumin-spiced burgers topped with Harissa mayo.
I’m usually a Hungry Mungry before a Dirty Pervy… what the hell is wrong with me?
I’m also a teetotaler for various reasons, but, I do have some grape juice from some fancy-schmancy wine grapes. I am not sure where I can get Harissa, but I can always talk to Baker (Cimmorene) about burger buns with cumin seeds on them. Or did you mean beef with cumin in it? Or both?
I don’t even know what Harissa might be, but I figured the inclusion of it made me sound sophisticated. I would suggest putting cumin in everything and then buy wine that is actually good.
I looked it up. It supposedly is some sort of East African chili sauce. I have sriacha sauce on hand.
And, still teetotaler. So grape juice it must be for me. I made it by hand. It was awesome paired with lemon-lime soda for the holidays, but it also made divine jelly, too.
I have never enjoyed red wine much, but perhaps it’s because I was drinking it out of Mr. Nibbles. I never thought to use a glass. I learned something today. Thank you for changing my world!
Ooh, classic beginner’s mistake. You should know that there is no wine glass in the world that will make this wine tasty.
I really enjoy your tale of afternoon wine swilling. I’m currently studying for my sommelier certification, because I’m fancy like that, and your methods are not too far off.
Also, I’m writing a post about butt plugs right now. Weird.
I’m guessing you spent a whole course on pairing different wines with different pop cakes.
Until 50 shades, I never thought I would use the term “butt plug” so much. It makes for interesting search terms in my wordpress stats.
Mine got pretty interesting after “fake boobs” and “freakishly strong vagina”.
I can only imagine. I don’t know if you realized this, but the Internet is filled with weirdos.
Downing that swill was quite a public service Speaker7. There’s not enough Fresh Mint Listerine in the world to completely clear the taste of of the Two Buck Chuck I quaffed three years ago out of my mouth. Guess I need to chew on garlic, the same scent as Hugo’s aftershave, correct?
No, the garlic is to keep Hugo away.
What color was the actual wine? Because if it’s 50 shades of grey, it’s way past the expiration date. Also, is the wine separately from the book, or do you have to buy them together because you can’t read this book while sober?
It makes it easy to swallow the prose if you imbibe first, but I have to yet to find anything that makes that wine palatable so it’s a conundrum.
I just don’t even know how to express my love for this post, other than to say that it reminded me of a conversation Babs (mom) and I had on Friday afternoon, wherein she told me all of the things Siri has said to her recently (Babs just got her first ever smart phone for Christmas):
“I asked Siri to tell me a joke. She said she doesn’t know any! I asked her again, and she said she never remembers the punch lines. So I asked her a third time and she said, ‘Two iPhones walk into a bar.’ And that was it!”
P.S. – What I’m trying to say is: E.L. James needs to keep going, if only for your recraps.
Your mom needs her own show. Or can you film her next time she talks to Siri?
You just got me laughing for the first time this week – your comments were better than your post.
You’re why I started blogging, basically. I wanted to be you. In a totally creepy, “it puts the lotion on itself” kind of way.
My son really digs Hugo, which should probably disturb me, but doesn’t. He’s said nothing about wine or butt plugs. He’s also only 10. I’ll let you know at his bar mitzvah.
Just so you know, I bust out “It rubs the lotion on its skin” bit quite a lot, which makes you a-okay in my book. My 3-year-old son refers to Hugo as “baby” so there’s that.
NO!! Really??
That means we are MEANT TO BE.
Wait – on your blog, or in real life?
In real life mostly. I try not to reenact the Buffalo Bill dance while saying it, but it’s hard to refrain.
We need to punk everyone and photoshop a different label on that bottle. It would probably taste better if it were inspired by another work of literature. I’d drink some Beowulf wine. It might be more vinager than wine, but I’d drink it.
I’d like some of that mull wine from Game of Thrones. I think it would help me deal with winter better.
Hahaha! This made me spill my coffee all over my laptop. Totally worth it. Thank you for volunteering to taste the horrible stuff, and mock it senseless, so I don’t have to buy a bottle, post a hundred photos of it on instagram with the hashtag #sexytime and then hang myself.
I’m so glad I don’t have instagram because that would have been the next logical step once I had that numbing wine in my mouth.
The numbing could be from artificially ‘sweetening’ the wine with antifreeze. Was it from Austria?
Well I guess that makes sense since the reading of books causes brain poisoning.
I don’t drink so I appreciate your willingness to all w me to live vicariously through you.
You rock, Speaker7.
We’ll have to do a5x5 session sometime if you’re interested – down the road a ways, of course..
I see my Fifty Shades work as a public service–to prevent others from suffering.
I would be up to doing a 5×5 in the future.
That’s great! I’m currently overwhelmed with a project my daughter and I are working on – not to mention the work and life thing – but I’d be thrilled to have you soon! You’re one of the best there is, so my readers would be in for another treat!
Shit. That was really funny. I know there’s a long string of comments above mine saying the exact same thing, but it must be really special coming from me, right? You should do a tasting series. There’s a wine named after Marilyn Monroe. One after Sinatra. Posts galore.
I do count it as extra special mainly because of the insertion of a profanity. That sounds like an interesting concept. I’m hoping at some point, there will be even bigger celebratory celebrity wine like Donald Trump Hairpiece Sav or Snooki Zinfindal.
I’ll clean it up in the future.
I took my bride to Napa Valley last fall (first trip in 10 years that didn’t involve Disney, Inc.) and our wine tour guide took us to the winery run by the same dude who owns Clif Bars. Do you know them? The energy bars? He (Clif) made a bizillion dollars on snacks and bought a winery to “fulfill a passion,” according to the guide. I suspect the guide had his palm greased to take us there because the wine tasted like a foul day in Mordor.
Mmmm….Mordor wine sounds delicious. I hope you know I was joking about the profanity although I try to never fucking use one.
Actually, no, I didn’t know you were joking and I felt kinda bad. I thought you were being a proper Christian or something. Thanks for the all-clear. Now I’ll sleep toinght.
I was just talking to someone the other day about your 50 Shades recap. It was my therapist, and she was laughing because she knew she was getting at least another $5,000 out of me.
Please make Speaker7/Hugo mugs on Zazzle/Cafe Press. I would buy one in a hot minute.
I’m thinking I should make a series of mugs with Hugo and Goofy based on the Fifty Shades recraps. I’ve never heard of Zazzle, but it sounds kind of zazzingly.
Please do. If I’m not drinking coffee out of a mug with Hugo’s creepy face on it, I don’t know how I’ll go on.
I saw this at Total Wine the other day and thought of you!
I feel like this will be my legacy–forever I will be linked to all things Fifty.
Omg I had no idea this existed. And now I have to go read your recap. No Fifty Shades of Grey products of any kind have found their way into my home. The experience would be totally incomplete without Hugo to get drunk with first. You have a happy life.
I think you meant the word “pathetic” when you wrote happy. You are right that Hugo is a pretty decent drinking buddy. Very non-judgemental.
I didn’t think I would enjoy a post that uses the phrase “butt plug” with as much frequency as this one, but I was pleasantly surprised. I hope the next time someone Googles “how to drink wine” they find your helpful pictures.
It’s funny, I never thought that I would use the phrase “butt plug” so much in my life but it seems the perfect pairing–like a glass of Fifty Shades wine and a bag of funyuns.
I hate it when I have to put my nipple clamp down to drink something.
I know what you mean. It can totally spoil the drinking experience.
Ha ha….I’m really not surprised that it wasn’t good. It’s probably $5.99 wine with clever marketing.
“the wine likely tasted of hackneyed writing, greased butt plugs and despair,” That’s not easy, that’s friggin brilliant! Thank you for all you do to make sure I am up-to-date on Fifty Shades of Crap without me having to risk brain-damage by actually reading it.
Just had to share: