Fifty Shades of Grape

On a recent trip to the liquor store, I learned that this exists:

Bottle also serves as a handy butt plug.

I knew of other tie-ins with the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy like a soundtrack, a neck tie and a flushable tampon (maybe) so the inclusion of wine is not all surprising.

Wine plays a big role in the books–at least it did for me because I needed to drink quite a bit of it to slog through the 15,000 pages dealing with Ana’s dampness and Christian’s hair-thrusting.

The wine website includes a choice Christian quote that reminded me why I was drunk most of the time:

“If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.”

Awwww……..

So romantic?

I planned to write a post saying the wine likely tasted of hackneyed writing, greased butt plugs and despair, but that felt too easy, and, as you may be aware by reading my recraps of the series, I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself.

I felt humiliated purchasing the bottle so I figured it put me in the right mindset to sample it.

I feel so defeated…let’s crack this puppy open!

I must confess something. I’m not exactly sophisticated. While I do sometimes wear a top hat and cape whilst watching Real Housewives of Dogpatch, I know very little about the art of drinking wine. I know there’s a lot of sniffing and swishing and spitting and sobbing and drunk Facebooking, but that’s about it.

I decided to do a search and thought about the perfect search terms to get exactly what I needed:

This led to a picture of Christian Bale in American Psycho. Not bad, Google.

I tried another tactic and found an article on how to taste wine “like a pro.”

Apparently it is important to place the wine into a glass rather than an old shoe or a taxidermied hamster. Fair point, well made, wine-tasting article.

I didn’t want to use any ol’ glass, but something extra special.

Next, you hold the glass in your hand rather than something else like a foot or nipple clamp.

Nailed it.

You swish it around or I swear to god, I will beat you…sorry, sorry,…I just channeled Christian Grey for a second. Swish it around in the glass, then taste it with different parts of your tongue. This makes more sense then dumping the contents over your head.

It’s recommended to pair red wine with cumin-spiced burgers topped with Harissa mayo.

whole wheat pop cakes were likely a second option.

Hmmmm. It sort of smells like feet or tires, but maybe that’s the Hugo mug?  It tastes a bit bitter and makes my tongue feel numb like I just injected it with novocaine. How bizarre–the exact reaction the books had on my brain.

I’m forgetting one of my important drinking rules, which is never drink alone.

It’s 5 p.m. somewhere, right? Up top. For those unfamiliar, Hugo and Goofy were the stars of my Fifty Shades recrap. What do you think Goofy?

Hugo?

There you have it, folks. Two butt plugs down.