If the Bra Fits. . .

I lack knowledge in certain areas.

For instance, I’m 98 percent certain that I am not wearing the right bra size.

I think I was fitted for a bra at one point, but I lack any memory of it. It’s possible I had a  stroke during the experience because at 13, everything was mortifying.

Speaker7 would you like more brocolli?

Oh my god, mom!! You’re totally embarrassing me right now!!!!

I think I wore the right bra size the majority of my developed-breast life because I never thought much about it.

But now? Shit seems wrong.

I’ve never been a big woman. My bra size was near the beginning of the alphabet, and I had to rely on my wit and Cher impression to attract men.

My breasts went through a bit of change when I was creating that human in my womb three-plus years ago. One of them got comically bigger than the other during the whole mom-is-cow phase. The bigger one was like a factory farm. The other was like “pffftttt….what’s on TV?”

They both deflated down to what I thought was my normal size when my son began to use his few teeth and I decided the bottle was best.

But all my old bras feel like torture devices.

I tried the “genie bra” but stuck that back into the bottle.

I thought I had some kind of hernia. I would struggle up into a sitting position and feel like I had hooked my rib cage onto some barbed wire.

I told my doctor about this and he diagnosed me with a bum gall bladder.

Turned out he was right, but even sans gall bladder I still get this weird rib sensation that makes me feel like I consumed a McRib. It becomes allievated once I remove my over-the-shoulder-flabby-pebble holder.

I feel at 40, I should be able to get a handle on this situation. I mean, I barely comb my hair anymore when I go out in public…yet dealing with my breasts make me revert to my awkward braces-on-teeth 13-year-old self.

Maybe I need to remove another organ?

Speaker7 is wearing a bra while she writes a post every day as part of the Nano Poblano Team. The bra is pretty uncomfortable. 

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74 comments

  1. You do know when you turn 40 there’s this mandatory, societal boob job obligation to keep you in the game, the ladies large and non-bra dependent, and most importantly, the men happy?

  2. Oh this takes me back…when I was a young woman I did not have breasts, I had two mosquito bites. Then pregnancy changed everything, and immediately after I had given birth to my son it looked as if my chest had been fitted with two heat-seeking nuclear missiles. I swear to G-d they went round a corner before I did, they were HUGE!
    But did I go for an expert bra fitting? I did not. My life was too busy with other stuff.
    Now I am practically in my dotage and I am too embarrased to go and get fitted, so I muddle on with a style and size that are almost certainly wrong but do I care? No I don’t. Life is too short and boobs go up in size, go down in size, perk, droop etc etc. I am just grateful I haven’t had breast cancer.

  3. I switched to one of those bras that come in small, medium and large so that I wouldn’t have to deal with cups unless they held morning coffee instead of body parts. I am happier. Better still, I ordered them through a catalog so I didn’t have to have some old woman grabbing my boobs to stick them in the right size cup, or worse, cone.

      1. Bali’s comfort revolution. They really are comfortable.

        And for you, I just stripped down tO make sure that I had the right one. Only there are NO TAGS, another plus.

  4. I gave up on NaNoPo Blah because I knew that pretty soon I would start writing about my uncomfortable undies. The pressure was too much for me to handle. I even wrote a post on why I was quitting.
    I now stand validated. 😀 Very eye-opening post.

  5. I realize this is a humorist post, but as someone that worked as a bra fitter (yes, they actually trained me to fit people for bras, and it’s more technical than you might imagine); you may want to try a lined balconette style bra or anything with a plunging demi cup. Go to a real lingerie store or to a large department store – do not go to Victoria’s Secret; while they may have lots of padding their version of “fitting” you is not based on any kind of knowledge, it’s purely numbers. It’s like a BMI calculator that doesn’t factor in muscle but tells Arnold in his Mr Universe days that he needed to lose weight because he was severely obese. Don’t do that to yourself.

  6. It doesn’t sound like any of us are cut out for prancing around in Victoria Secret. Her secret is she hates bras too. There was a time when women burned their bras. I think they did it because they were so damned uncomfortable, not for any kind of women’s rights.

    1. I sleep in sports bras and love them, but I catch flack from my sisters about my uniboob if I go outside into public with my sports bra on. Granted, it’s funny flack, and makes us all laugh, but still …
      My regular bras (I have two-count-them-two real bras I can wear) don’t fit anymore, of course, but at least I can still get into them. I have a drawer full of bras I can’t wear, that I can’t find it in myself to get rid of.

      1. I was a 42 DD and had a breast reduction the minute I turned 18 – I was horrified being so busty so young and lived in dread of being ‘fitted’ – I wore ill fitting bras for YEARS – expensive bras but ill fitting just the same!

        I didn’t even know they went past DD until I meet other well-endowed women when I got older.

      2. Wow….I thought the real ones stopped at D and those other numbers were for those women who opted to have Thanksgiving Day balloons inserted into their chests. My bra’s off to you both for shouldering that load.

      3. If I had the money, I’d do a breast reduction, simply to reduce my shoulder strain. Well, I would if my belly were still smaller. As it is, my boobs balance out my belly.now. But other than the shoulder strain, I’m fairly comfortable with my self.

      1. As long as we’re on the topic of these strange things you chicks wear, are these stiletto heels supposed to hurt my feet this much? Sure, my calves have never looked better, but my bunions are getting bunions of their own.

      2. That’s the whole point of it, the reason we wear such painful things. It’s not to present ourselves to men as ready to mate, it’s so that we can complain to our sister women about the pains we go through to attract a man! It’s one-upsmanship, all the way.

      3. That’s okay. Sarcasm is really the only sane response. That, or not playing along. I don’t play along, and let women who do judge me as they will – my feet are in good shape, and I am comfortable in my skin. Comfort is beautiful!

  7. I know someone who’d be glad to fit you for a new bra…

    Side note: The other day, I was trying to explain to Babs who Pearl Jam was (I know! C’mon, Babs), excited to pull out my Eddie Vedder impression (“Better Man”, of course). She said I sounded like Cher. And now all I can think is… MASH-UP!!!

  8. Screw it all, bring back corsets. I can at least attempt to shape the lower body fat, making my boobage look higher and perkier than it really is.

    1. Amen, Sistah! I wore a corset once, at a Renaissance Faire. It felt like a warm, snug hug all over my body. It was wonderful! My boobs felt so free! Then they tightened it, and I could hardly breathe, I couldn’t twist, I couldn’t bend …. Even so, I’d rather wear a corset than a fecking bra any day, but with these big flobby things I have at 48, I certainly can’t go commando.

  9. Bra fitting/shopping is THE WORST! And, you’ll need to take a mortgage if you are planning on anything decent, which is an added bonus! LOL!

  10. S7, thank you for a marvelously freeing post! I may revisit just letting it all hang out, now! You’ve done a valuable public service, reminding all us 40+ ladies out there to take care not to strangle the girls with poor-fitting bras!

  11. Bras. I hate them, but I must wear them. If I didn’t I would hurt myself. Some power that be has a strange sense of humor where boobs are concerned. I am a woman who’s boobs are bigger than she is. If I run they would knock me out. I hate bras, did I mention that? I have yet to find one that fits right. At the age I am now if I don’t wear one they would knock against my knees. And I never had kids to blame. Just some higher power that was bored one day and saw me and said, “let’s have some fun!”.

  12. Aarrgh! Effing bras. I indulged and purchased many fine, lovely bra sets a month before (surprise!) I became preggers with Maya. Now, nearly five years later, not a single bra fits me. (Yes, I’ve kept them that long in hopes that I would fit into them again. They’re itty bitty bras but so pretty.) I finally bought a new bra a month ago and the first day I wore it, I felt like a new woman. I’m donating all of my old bras: http://freethegirls.org/about/our-story/

  13. For years I bought bras from the Crappy Bra Collection, but this year, when I got an email from the Gap saying I could have 40% off everything, but if I inserted the code DOODAH I could have another 30% off, and if I input every vowel key on my computer with my elbow between 9 pm and midnight when the moon was in TARGET, that would instantly guarantee another 30% off, I decided to try their tee shirt bra for essentially free. I’m as happy as one can be with a bra now. You might look into that one, but also look into how you can get it for less than you’d pay for a pack of gum

  14. When I go into bra stores and the woman asks me what I’m looking for, I point to my boobs and say, “I’m looking for underwire that is stronger than carbon steel, and a miracle.” They never laugh.

  15. Yes, when are they going to create a bra that has two different cup sizes? Because I’m pretty sure just about every woman has one boob that is ginormous. The older I get, the more I just want to “free-boob” it. But I’m afraid if I release the girls, they’ll drop to the floor.

    1. Free boob makes me think of Free Willy for some reason maybe because some men will want to free willy if we free boob?
      I’m so sorry for this comment…it’s been a long month.

  16. When I went bra-less in my twenties my sister said, I had big knees … now I am 20 years older … she says it when I wear bras (no, she is brave, my “little” sis … not a fool).
    I buy american bras – without wire UNDER the breasts. From their website:
    “Since 1921, Glamorise has focused exclusively on designing exquisite bras and shapewear to serve the needs of full-figured women.”
    In Germany I have a G-cup … I think it is F in America. It is soo good to wear things that FIT … You can do the measuring all by yourself, don’t need some stranger doing that – just lift the breasts up when you measure their width … with one arm, while the hands are busy getting the tape .. or get help from your husband – I am pretty sure he likes to hold them from behind while you are doing the measuring 😉

  17. I’m super late to this party, but I can’t pass a bra-hating post or comment without adding a cheer. I hate underwear that much.

    So hip hip hooray for bra-hating!

    I just try to not wear underwear, and seek out clothes that don’t require it.

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