Stop the muther-fucking Internet, people! I’ve got a BIG announcement…
Wait, how do you stop this thing? Is there a button somewhere…no that’s just brightens the screen…maybe this one? ª No, it just makes a tiny floating “a”….okay, I don’t know how to do it. The fact that I can’t stop the Internet in no way diminishes this AMAZING breaking news:
Noted Elvis Presley impersonator and part-time manwhore Rob Schneider has changed his political affiliation from Democrat to Republican.
I’m just going to give you a moment to let that sink in…and to google who Rob Schneider is.
Big news, amirite?
It’s almost as big as that time Fred Sampson said he wasn’t going to shovel the curbcut in front of his house if the plows were just going to pile big mounds of snow there.
It’s nearly as monumental as that time Ginny Smith was asked “How was your weekend?” by Amy Nedrow and answered “Kind of sucky” rather than the requisite “Fine, how was yours?
And it’s practically on par with that time that bear shit in the woods that one day.
Schneider blames the California Democrats for killing the creative spirit that could have made Deuce Bigalow: Beating a Dead Horse With Another Dead Horse a reality.
The Democratic Party “no longer serves the people of this great state,” opines Schneider. “When the sitcom Rob was canceled, it was like a seagull was suffocated by the great big donkey that rules with its iron hoof.”
He also had to move his “vitamin company” out of the state due to state regulations that demand vitamins actually contain more than sawdust and lost hope.
That logic is as solid as the plot of Hot Chick.
Instead, Schneider is throwing his slight build behind California Assemblyman Tim Donnelly’s bid for governor. Donnelly is a leader of the California Minutemen, and once attempted to erect a fence on the California-Mexican border.
Wow, with geniuses like this guy backing them, the Republican party has it made! Watch out Democrats!
This was almost as heartbreaking as when Dennis Miller joined the Republicans when he realized he was awful.
Nice
It would have been even better if I could have stopped the Internet.
Hmm! why?
Wait. So “Deuce Bigalow: Beating a Dead Horse With Another Dead Horse” will or won’t be coming out later this year..?
I don’t want to crush your soul, but it looks like it’s not happening…unless the Republicans take California.
“slight build” [chuckling]
So….who the hell is this guy again…? Oh yeah! He starred in Grown Ups! The high-brow movie where he uses a breast pump? (or was that Spade?)
Well, it looks like the Republican party has finally got their man. Now if they could snag David Spade I would definitely be impressed.
I chuckled at “slight build” too, D. Thought you knowing that was just as important as us knowing Rob Schneider has changed his political affiliation (btw thanks for being so on the cusp, Speaker).
Now you are making me see Grown Ups because I won’t be able to continue unless I know who uses the breast pump.
It’s my mission in life to prevent people who haven’t seen Grown Ups from seeing Grown Ups. Don’t see Grown Ups. Grown Ups 2 goes without saying.
Some people’s mission is to end poverty, yet I find yours to be more noble.
Nice to see some traditions are still with us…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Murphy
And hey, if Tom Lehrer isn’t here to do this to Schneider, I’m glad we have you on the case, Speaker…
I think Tim Donnelly might be George Murphy’s son considering both their views on Mexicans.
Damn it, I had almost forgotten that Rob Schneider existed. Now, I’ve got to start over with the memory purge.
I’m so, so sorry.
I clicked “like” only because Rob Shceifer is so unimportant to anything, that I didn’t realize he was still alive, so thank you for updating my w-list database on unfunny pseudo-pop-culture figures
But I doubly appreciate that there’s nothing here that makes me think he’s making another movie.
Oops – Schneider.
I think…
This story could only be topped by a Joe Rogan story, say if Joe Rogan denounced the new pope or something.
Anytime I see or hear anything regarding him, I think of the South Park joke where he will take any role: Rob Schneider is The Stapler!
There are times when I hate South Park and times when I think South Park is genius. This is a time of the latter.
What was the plot of Hot Chick again? Memory serves, it co-stars Ron Jeremy, doesn’t it?
Yes.
Rob and Donald Trump are going to make a great movie-making-politician-endorsing-duo. I cannot wait.
The Adventures of the No Talent Ass Clowns ~ (wigs sold separately – or maybe Whigs)
That sounds like the makings of the best cop movie I’ve ever seen.
YES! YES! No.
Other notable Republicans:
Marcus Bachmann, gay husband and clinical therapist
Donald Trump, carrot tan enthusiast
Meatloaf, the guy not the meat brick
Don King, electrocution survivor
God bless America!! Land that I love!! Stand beside her and defile her…to the mountains of majesty above. From the spacious skies of ambers to the eagles flying south!!! God Bless merica…..etc.
Well if Rob (I originally thought Ricky) were anything of a brain trust, he would have moved here to Virginia where owning a vitamin company lets you actually bring down a governor (well, I’m hoping.
Dog vitamins are very important.
Rob Schneider’s Vitamin Company? Is this some kind of euphemism for a meth lab?
If not, it definitely should be.
Apparently, Rob Schneider didn’t get the memo that midlife crisis suffering males are supposed to get a sports car and hook up with women half their age. Joining the GOP. Talk about making a fool of yourself.
That has to be one of the worst mid-life crisis moves ever.
I bet that ape knows how to stop the internet, too.
Likely, and then Rob Schneider can make a movie out of it.
I deserve some kind of reward for reading this entire post, even though it’s political. I think a prescription for strong pain killers will do.
You have to appreciate the fact that I did include a picture of a chimpanzee and used the word “feces.”
Of course I did. :-)
Speaker 7,
I remember that time when the bear shit in the woods like it was yesterday. Wait, was it? Yeah, it was yesterday..because I stepped in it. And it’s still on my shoe..
..look, the dog is sniffin’ it.
Oh! Oh no. Oh he’s not gonna…
…he put his tongue on it.
Are you sure that’s not Rob Schneider starring in his next blockbuster “Dogshit Sniffer”
I hope you felt good about this line “…state regulations that demand vitamins actually contain more than sawdust and lost hope” because I just died. The weird laughter-like sound I produced just scared the crap out of my dog.