The News That Nearly Stopped the Internet

Stop the muther-fucking Internet, people! I’ve got a BIG announcement…

Wait, how do you stop this thing? Is there a button somewhere…no that’s just brightens the screen…maybe this one? ª No, it just makes a tiny floating “a”….okay, I don’t know how to do it. The fact that I can’t stop the Internet in no way diminishes this AMAZING breaking news:

Noted Elvis Presley impersonator and part-time manwhore Rob Schneider has changed his political affiliation from Democrat to Republican.

I’m just going to give you a moment to let that sink in…and to google who Rob Schneider is.

Big news, amirite?

It’s almost as big as that time Fred Sampson said he wasn’t going to shovel the curbcut in front of his house if the plows were just going to pile big mounds of snow there.

It’s nearly as monumental as that time Ginny Smith was asked “How was your weekend?” by Amy Nedrow and answered “Kind of sucky” rather than the requisite “Fine, how was yours?

And it’s practically on par with that time that bear shit in the woods that one day.

Schneider blames the California Democrats for killing the creative spirit that could have made Deuce Bigalow: Beating a Dead Horse With Another Dead Horse a reality.

robsreasonsThe Democratic Party “no longer serves the people of this great state,” opines Schneider. “When the sitcom Rob was canceled, it was like a seagull was suffocated by the great big donkey that rules with its iron hoof.”

He also had to move his “vitamin company” out of the state due to state regulations that demand vitamins actually contain more than sawdust and lost hope.

That logic is as solid as the plot of Hot Chick. 

Instead, Schneider is throwing his slight build behind California Assemblyman Tim Donnelly’s bid for governor. Donnelly is a leader of the California Minutemen, and once attempted to erect a fence on the California-Mexican border.



  1. “slight build” [chuckling]
    So….who the hell is this guy again…? Oh yeah! He starred in Grown Ups! The high-brow movie where he uses a breast pump? (or was that Spade?)

    Well, it looks like the Republican party has finally got their man. Now if they could snag David Spade I would definitely be impressed.

    1. I chuckled at “slight build” too, D. Thought you knowing that was just as important as us knowing Rob Schneider has changed his political affiliation (btw thanks for being so on the cusp, Speaker).

      1. It’s my mission in life to prevent people who haven’t seen Grown Ups from seeing Grown Ups. Don’t see Grown Ups. Grown Ups 2 goes without saying.

  2. I clicked “like” only because Rob Shceifer is so unimportant to anything, that I didn’t realize he was still alive, so thank you for updating my w-list database on unfunny pseudo-pop-culture figures
    But I doubly appreciate that there’s nothing here that makes me think he’s making another movie.

  3. Anytime I see or hear anything regarding him, I think of the South Park joke where he will take any role: Rob Schneider is The Stapler!

  4. Other notable Republicans:

    Marcus Bachmann, gay husband and clinical therapist
    Donald Trump, carrot tan enthusiast
    Meatloaf, the guy not the meat brick
    Don King, electrocution survivor

    1. God bless America!! Land that I love!! Stand beside her and defile her…to the mountains of majesty above. From the spacious skies of ambers to the eagles flying south!!! God Bless merica…..etc.

  5. Well if Rob (I originally thought Ricky) were anything of a brain trust, he would have moved here to Virginia where owning a vitamin company lets you actually bring down a governor (well, I’m hoping.

  6. Apparently, Rob Schneider didn’t get the memo that midlife crisis suffering males are supposed to get a sports car and hook up with women half their age. Joining the GOP. Talk about making a fool of yourself.

  7. Speaker 7,
    I remember that time when the bear shit in the woods like it was yesterday. Wait, was it? Yeah, it was yesterday..because I stepped in it. And it’s still on my shoe..

    ..look, the dog is sniffin’ it.

    Oh! Oh no. Oh he’s not gonna…
    …he put his tongue on it.

  8. I hope you felt good about this line “…state regulations that demand vitamins actually contain more than sawdust and lost hope” because I just died. The weird laughter-like sound I produced just scared the crap out of my dog.

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