Today is my wedding anniversary.
Many people ask me, “Speaker7, why is your marriage so successful?”
My marriage has truly been a partnership as we have raised our two boys with great hope and optimism that they would one day become fine young men. Mr. Speaker7 has often said that God put him on this earth to be a wife and a mother. Our family, of which Mr. Speaker7 is the heart, is testimony that he has embraced that calling. Over the last 28 years, we have loved, cried, laughed, despaired and celebrated. I reveled in featuring my giant pumpkin head, grating Southern accent, and condescending shitball personality on Oprah while making loads of dough exploiting other people’s mental illness.
….Wait a second….Oopsies! I just plagiarized the majority of that last paragraph from Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Family First. My bad, everyone.
The truth is no one has ever asked me about my succesful marriage and Dr. Phil is a colossal fuckstick.
My marriage is successful because I have no trouble admitting when I’m wrong.
The other day, I ate what I thought was a plain roasted edamame. Instead it turned out to be coated in wasabi, a substance slightly hotter than the surface of the sun.
It immediately felt like I flicked a bic lighter inside one of my nostrils. I dipped my tongue in cleaning fluid to dull the burning hemorrhoid sensation on my tongue.
I knew I had fucked up.
If you would like to know some other tips to a successful marriage, they are these:
- drink plenty of cranberry juice
- drink plenty of water
- avoid consuming irritants like caffeine except for the six to eight cups one needs to wake up in the morning
- wipe from front to back
Interestingly this will also keep you from getting a urinary tract infection.
Speaker7 
The No UTI-Happy Marriage correlation is mentioned in the 13th commandment, lost due to tablet breakage.
Shoot, I thought I was the first. I was planning to make a crapload of dough off my UTI-Happy Marriage web series.
I think Family First might be an even more nauseating read than 50 Shades. It’s certainly a runner up, based on that paragraph alone (the unmodified one that is). If God put me on this earth to be a wife and mother, why didn’t he give me tons of dough so I could sit at home and have a a maid and nannies whilst I watch stupid talk shows all day?
I think you might be right. I could only read that one paragraph in Family First while I read the entirerity of that other shitfest.
Speaker7 you and I are one and the same! Because today is MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! Yup. 27 years of wiping front to back. Well at least for the last few years since I figured it out. (Really)
Perhaps we can celebrate with a foursome peeing on Dr. Phil.
Happy Anniversary, Elyse! Hope yours is UTI free!
And yours! I will drink a toast to you and your husband tonight in cranberry juice.
Happy anniversary, Elyse! 27 years?? Holy crap on a stick.
anks, Darla. There’s been a lot of crap (he’s married to me after all), and a lot of sticks. Luckily there has also been a whole lot of carrots!
Happy anniversary!
Thanks! I’ve been imbibing the cranberry juice like crazy.
Hahaha! Happy anniversary Speaker 7! I was totally confused reading that first paragraph – what a dummy I am! LOL! You got me!
Mr. Speaker7 was confused too.
Happy Anniversary!
Thanks!
Happy anniversary! I raise a glass of cranberry juice to you and your Mister!
That’s very kind of you, and also wonderful for bladder health.
Happy Anniversary! A cranberry mimosa toast to you and Mr. Speaker7. I think another key is also not being a fuckstick like Dr. Phil. Or, in case you are Dr. Phil, drugging your wife into submission.
Maybe I’ll write a book called Family First Without the Fuckstickery.
I thought successful marriages depended on colon cleanses as well? Have I been misinformed? And if so, what are the chances it was by a librarian?
Hmm…that may be more for second marriages, you know, the number 2s.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
This was very inspiring!! You should have a show and call it, Dr. Phil is a Fuckstick. LOVE IT.
I like the idea although I might want to shorten the title to Dr. Fuckstick.
I have followed the same guidelines for years. Result: just a couple of UTIs and a sort of decent marriage. Endorsement!
Can I put this as a blurb on the back of my marriage advice book?
I’d be honored to be your blurb.
His head is big, isn’t it?
Happy anniversary (and all that that implies)!
I honestly don’t see how he is able to fit through standard-size doorways with that noggin.
Happy Wedded Bliss Day to you! You know what else helps a marriage? Vodka in that cranberry juice.
Vodka helps all sorts of things.
And can I have a “hell YEAH!”?
Happiest of days! Anniversary Day is better than Wedding Day because there is less stress and none of those lame family members you were forced to invite. On the other hand, the number of gifts you receive will be minuscule in comparison, BUT, you won’t have to write all of those thank you notes to the afore mentioned family members, so, yeah, it’s a better day.
This is very true. I think by the end of my 300th thank you note, I was solely doing thumbprints and a tuft of hair.
Speaker7,
Happy wedding anniversary…
“drink plenty of cranberry juice”…
^So kind of you to NOT want to give your hubby a UTI.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Like Dr. Phil’s wife, I think God put me on this earth to prevent UTIs.
Speaker7
After two marriages I must not be drinking enough cranberry juice. Darn it….Happy Anniversary!
The key is wiping front to back. Have you been wiping front to back?
Oh crap! That’s what I’ve been doing wrong.
But I’ll bet it cleared your sinuses quite nicely.
That’s what marriage taught me…find the positive.
“Burned a hole through my face” is more accurate.
What? The wasabi or 28 years of marriage?
And like marriage, the key to wasabi is the balance between comfort and intensity.
Well I’m afraid that wasabi and I are getting a divorce.
Gee, I’ve never had a UTI. Now I better understand why I’m single. Happy Anniversary and thank you for explaining yet another fact of life S7-style.
I’m very full of knowledge or coffee…it’s one of those things….whatever it is, it makes my bladder heavy.
Not being married myself, I had never thought of the similarities between marriage and a urinary tract infection. But now you mention it, nurturing your relationship until it runs smoothly is basically the same as drinking water until your wee runs clear…
GOD I’M WISE.
I feel like I just read something from the Dalai Lama himself.
This is so deep and profound. I’m at a loss for words.
Any post tagged “taint wiping” is a winner in my book.
Congrats!
I get so excited when people notice the tags. I actually prefer the tags to the post.
You should write a post containing only tags.
The best tags ever.
Happy Anniversary, and may you have little to no contact with fat-headed knowitalls who can’t tell their asses from a can of paint!
It was a fathead-free celebration.
Screw Dr. Phil. The only bald headed man with any authority is Hugo.
Oh, and happy anniversary! Mr. Speaker7 is a lucky fella.
Oh Jesus! I forgot to include Hugo in the festivities. It is going to be a dark and dreary Sunday.
Dr. Phil is a jackass. Admitting when you’re wrong is probably the best marriage advice ever given. Along with wiping front to back. Well done, and Happy Anniversary!!!
I’m much better at the wiping front to back, but I do try to generally admit when I’m acting Dr. Phil-like.
A key to a successful marriage is not spending excessive time on a personal blog. This has to be one of the things that you have going for you.
P.S., Yes, I have noticed the “I haven’t written in forever so I wrote this for you all” tag.
I wish I could say the absence from WordPress had more to do with “family time” but it’s more to do with “work bullshit.”
Hahaha! As I was reading this, I thought “Hmmm…I haven’t had a UTI in a while.” Then I wondered, “why am I thinking about UTIs?” Then I fretted over how weird I was being. And then I got to the end or your post and it all made sense. I was supposed to be thinking about UTIs while reading an anniversary post. OF COURSE!
Happy anniversary!
It really always comes back to the UTI. It’s like the circle of life or in this case the circle of urine.
Oh! Front to BACK! I had no idea…explains so much…
Happy anniversary and thanks for writing for us!
Back to front is the devil’s playground…as the saying goes.
Happy anniversary! For us, the secret to marriage success is separate hobbies. Mine is vodka.
Happy (Belated) Anniversary to you and Mr. Speaker7! I think the 28th year is, in fact, the Wasabi Anniversary, so you were on the right track even if unintentionally. Also, some observations:
– Dr. Phil is Stupid Evil Incarnate.
– UTIs are Burning Evil Incarnate.
– Taint wiping. I just wanted to type that.
Happy Anniversary! (I know I am a little late.) It does my heart good to know that your successful marriage has nothing to do with and “Shades of Grey” or Dr. Phil. I agree with you about Dr. Phil he is one of those. I met him a few years back and had to sit through one of his speaking engagements. He is really a an entertaining speaker and I could almost visibly see the audience falling under his spell. In the end though he is exactly what you called him.