I am commenting on the Miley Cyrus controversy because I’m very concerned.
About my page views.
They’re low.
By now, you are aware that Miley Cyrus twerked and gene-simmonsed her way through a performance of her hit song “Mediocre Pop Song.”
If you’re not aware, it looked like this:
Like many, I was shocked. Shocked that the Video Music Awards was actually still a thing and that humans actually watched.
And then I saw that the performance became a news story and real-live journalists were talking about it. Even that Mika Brzezezzezzzzzzzzzzazzzzzzskii who famously tried to burn a story about Paris Hilton’s release from jail because she deemed it “trivial.”
Parent bloggers or Ploggers™ were up in arms over the performance and wondered if their children would view their Hannah Montana vibrating toothbrushes in a different way. And zombies…well the zombies just said “BRAAIINNSSSS.”
Why has this performance gained so much traction? When you break it down, it really is the story of a young commodity trying to break out of her target market into a new synergized market share. A story as old as time.
And yet here I was doing this in Adobe Illustrator:
See, it looks like Miley is on the receiving end of a fart in the face.
What did it all mean?
Later in the performance, Alan Thicke’s semen creation came out to ruin Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Get It Up” whilst Miley poked at his privates with a giant foam finger. If I didn’t know better, I would have pegged the performance a brilliant parody of what passes for “sexXy” in American society. In case you didn’t know, this is sexXy:
I don’t know how this any less foolish than Madonna kissing a female Gremlin birthed out of Lady Gaga’s robotic birth canal or Katy Perry dressed as a skunk spraying whipped cream from her anal cavity.
As an aside, please make both happen for next year’s VMAs.
But I think we’ve lost sight of the real issue and that is, both songs really sucked. I mean, what the fuck, America. Get better musical taste and this would not happen. So I blame you.
All of you. Even Donald Trump.
Speaker7 
Oh my! Kudos to a man who can keep his hair that nice while getting twerked upon by a 20 year old woman.
Good point. I truly don’t give The Donald the respect he deserves.
Hilarious take on the all important issue of the day, Speaky. Girl’s on the ‘Amanda Bynes’ fast track to PR disaster. Give her a few more months and she’ll be setting fire to her pet Pomeranian for shizzle, ma nizzle. Though just for the record, I fudding love Katy Perry and Roar is a great song so don’t be dissin’.
This story definitely has legs. It’s going to be one of those historical events where people will ask “do you remember where you were when Miley finger-banged that foam finger?”
When I was watching this (not the show of course – I didn’t even know it existed), but the HuffPost video. I had the same thought that I had when Michael Jackson died – “Didn’t that already happen?”
I think you’re right. I know I’ve seen Miley’s long, gross tongue before.
Speaker,
There is no such things about “low traffic”… There is only WordPress being broken,
Make it your mantra, and sing over Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines. It will make the song infinitely better… Although, you have to admit, musically, it’s one catchy fucking melody.
As for Miley Cyrus, I was more amused by the Will Smith family’s reaction… I have printed their photo with their mouths open, and I carry it in my wallet as my new reminder that I look better than most. Not that I am shallow, or anything.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Personally, I carry a picture of Miley thrusting a giant foam finger between her legs to make myself appear more attractive. Whatever works, you know.
Speaker7
Speaker7,
I would do the same thing, except I myself walk with a giant foam finger between my crotch.
Le Clown
Not even freaking kidding Le Clown, but when I saw the Smith family photo, I instantly thought “I need this on a pillowcase.” Which would be weird if it weren’t coming from me.
I am taking a screen shot of Le Clown admitting Blurred Lines is “one catchy fucking melody”
It will make me feel like less of a douche for liking the song
Best post on this topic I’ve read (and I’ve read about 1,000 in the last hour alone)
The thing that no one pointed out, the main controversial issue here that was swept under the foam finger-masturbating-creepy-teddy-bear rug was that she was basically dry humping the son of Dr. Seaver from Growing Pains. How can I go on with my life now?
Seriously, and who would have thought that Alan would be the better singer of the two. The only thing that was being hit successfully that night were Robin’s privates. Not the notes. Definitely not the notes.
Ugh, you’re right. I need to shower now.
Lol great take. I personally found the whole performance hilarious.
At times, I thought I was watching SNL.
Lol!
When I saw this steaming pile of a performance, my immediate reaction was to Google “what is Miley Cyrus net worth”. Prepare to throw up, weep, bug out your eyes, drop your jaw or follow my lead and do all at once.
http://www.celebritynetworth.com/richest-celebrities/singers/miley-cyrus-net-worth/
This explains all that is wrong with the world to me.
$150 million will buy you a lot of teddy bears and giant foam fingers.
I feel like all women (except me), should be the best versions of themselves at all times. Miley lived up to that. Well done, Miss Cyrus! I tongue-waggle with you in solidarity.
The best version of myself is covered in potato chip crumbs.
Wait, didn’t she pose nude a few years ago and didn’t she already get a similar reaction then? (Not going to research that myself now since I am at work). Compared to posing nude, shouldn’t dancing in her underwear be considered a step towards modesty?
She’s only 20 so I hope her foray into nudity was last year or something because…pedophilia and all.
Nope – 2008. (I had to retreat into, ummm, a research stall, just in case). Google “Cyrus + Leibovitz” if you want to peer-review.
Uh…christ on a stick..okay. I don’t believe I have to vouch for your research skills.
First off I think Miley and Robin getting together to bang, I mean to sing was a PR’s wet dream. They maybe talking trash about both, but they are talking! I don’t understand why myself as both of them can’t sing worth a flip. That’s just how I see it anyway. I just shake my head at so much talk going on about nothing. At least your’s was funny and fun! I love the Donald in the last pic. haha! 🙂
I think they’re geniuses because no one is talking about the fact that their “singing” was shit-tastic.
Good thing I have no idea what that video was nor do I care about awards shows, but I’m very concerned about Donald Trump and a possible far-in-the-face. Please send skunks – ASAP
I have heard from multiple sources that Trump’s hair smells like a fart in the face.
That does not surprise me
Where was twerking when I was young and pollinating as many flowers as I could get my hands on? Same place as “Friends with Benefits.” It didn’t exist. Figures. What are the odds I can get my wife to twerk? Pretty low. She has a loooong tongue. Miley. Not my wife. Did you happen to see a photo of the Will Smith clan’s collective reaction to Miley’s performance. It’s so funny!
[As an aside, have you seen the news story about the New York Attorney General suing Trump over his Trump University? Yes, there’s a Trump University. You’re not going to believe this, but apparently Trump was scamming people. I can’t decide what’s more entertaining, the indictment or Trump’s bellicose reaction. Best part of the scam: students were told they’d get a photo standing next to Trump but what they got was a photo standing next to a cardboard cutout of Trump. Yes!]
Wait. You mean paying $35 K to have my picturE taken with a cardboard cutout of The Donald won’t get me a better job?
That’s what THEY thought! The AG has a thing or two to say about that.
Holy hairweave! How did I not know about this. I have 500 RSS feeds set specifically to “trump news.” In actuality I don’t know what an RSS feed is. Off to google immediately. Do you think I can still get a picture with the cardboard cutout?
Do you have $35K to spare? Because that’s what it costs. If you do, your dream can come true.
Tell me that our whole civilization is not totally warped. Who gives a crap what Miley does. Please keep the talentless paparazzi lovers home and away from the TEeVee.
Elyse,
How can I put this without destroying your sense of wonder and idealism….hmmm….so here’s the thing, we’re totally fucked. That’s about it.
Speaker7
What I found the most alarming was just how tall Robin Thicke looked in those vertical stripes.
Yes and the fact that he couldn’t sing a lick.
What shocks me is that the whole thing wasn’t just a parody you manufactured for some first rate blog fodder. Groping giant foam fingers and teddy bear teddies? Miley7, I’m sorry but that’s Speaker7’s territory you’re treading on.
I think Miley read my Fifty Shades recaps because some of that looked like it came from my parody of the Red Room of Pain.
It’s sad. She was fun as a teen, and I get that she wants to grow up now and be sexy. Why not? Too bad no one told her that wasn’t sexy, just foolish and gross.
I never understood how the VMA turned into a bat mitzvah of sorts for child stars…their moment of “I am woman now. And I will do something horribly degrading.” It’s quite depressing.
I have not had the pleasure of viewing this wholesome bit of entertainment from the former Disney star. I cannot wait. It will be disappointing without Trump or Hamburger Helper. I think those additions really make the video right there. After those slutty pics with her father, I really wondered where Miley would go next. Down, it appears.
I think it’s truism that all things are made better with Hamburger Helper.
If most people talking about this is honest, I don’t think it’s the morals that they object to. People love sex. They love sexy women, sexy dancing, lots of flesh on display. Especially at the VMAs. That’s the stuff music videos are made of! I think that most people are objecting because the whole thing was the opposite of sexy. It was awkward car crash TV. She had no rhythm, no sex appeal and I have no idea what that Jean Simmonds thing with her tongue was about.
BUT, this has worked. I previous;y had no idea who Miley Cyrus is and now, I kind of love her. Most people at some point have surely tried to do some ‘sexy dancing’ that fell a bit flat. Usually in a darkened club after a few too many sherbets. But how many of us have failed that spectacularly in front of such a huge audience? She’s awkward, she’s a mess and she’s trying much to hard to be sexy. The results are cringeworthy, but strangely endearing.
I want her to continue her expression of “sexy” because it will be the greatest performance art of our time.
Agreed. She has a new fan in me and I will be waiting. Haha, I just realized how many errors I made in that post! I can’t type on my phone.
You forgot the one good thing about this whole mess: It allowed people to calm down about Ben Affleck being cast as Batman…
Miley takes one for the team.
I agree. She’s breaking out to find herself and I don’t see why it’s such a big fucking deal. People need to find something else to do with their time.
Wait a second….are you saying our priorities are out of whack?!? Miley’s performance has affected my life in the following ways….um……I will think of one way soon.
hehehe…you let me know what you do. 😉
This is the best thing that has happened to my brain since Dave Coulier was born.
Sincerely,
Ericka “I Wish I Were a Stuffed Bear” Clay
It was pretty awesome. Robin Thicke isn’t actually real, correct?
Poor Billy Ray’s heart must be achy.
I imagine it’s more swelled with pride because he seems kind of f***ed up.
On the upside, Britney Spears can now show her face again in public, because after Miley, no one is going to remember her last VMA performance….
Was that the one where she lumbered around like a bear coming off an animal tranquilizer? Because that was sexXy.
I’m not sure! Sigh, so many Britney VMA disasters, so little time….
I’m really not kidding when I say I had to read your proposals for Madonna and Katy Perry twice, because at first I thought it sounded like exactly what [I’d heard] happened during their actual performances.
When I saw that you posted about the “Cyrus-versy”, I said “YESSSSSSSSSS!”
I tried to watch the VMA awards, but I gave up after Justin Timberlake just wouldn’t stop singing. He sang for sooooo long. Even after he said STOP! and I thought it was over…. it kept going. And then he sang more. And more and more and more, and I was like, “Do we have any more beers?” and we didn’t, so I turned on Adventure Time.
mmmm…hamburger helper. Now that’s sexxxy.
At first I wasn’t sure if she was trying to catch flies with that tongue, but licking the butt of a frog makes just as much sense. I can’t believe nobody has had the good sense to tell her, “Um, Miley, that tongue thing you do? Not sexy. Just ugly.” But then again, she’s just not sexy in general, as much and as badly as she tries. And grinding against Alan Thicke’s spawn’s junk? Even less sexy.
if there is one positive aspect, it is indeed that the will smith family now has a Christmas card photo 2013 that they can be proud of.
Of course this is all Donald Trump’s fault! OF COURSE!
Ha ha ha! The best take on the Miley story so far.
This is freaking hilarious and spot on. And, say, my page views are down. May I reblog it?
Any truth to the rumor that the Hamburger Helper hand is considering a brand shift to Career Helper? I knew Trump was involved somehow.
Gee, I missed all this. But that is a good thing. That means you are my go to source for all that is Miley, Alan Thicke seman and foam fingers. That has to help the page views!
If Lady Gaga and the Traci Lords had a baby, it would be Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.
Perfect. I also think a lizard got in the mix for a bit.
Fabulous break down.
All excellent points. Cyrus needs to stop it. Now. And so does America for encouraging such things. England’s not blameless in these things, I’ll admit – we gave the world Cliff Richard, for God’s sake – but America: stop it NOW.