Donald Trump Explains it All

Donald Trump is the news again because. . . um . . . there have been no shark attacks? I’m not sure why.

ABC scored the interview after a bull shark from Discovery Channel’s Shark Week had to cancel.

Trump is our generation’s P.T. Barnum, if P.T. Barnum was a raging hemorrhoid covered in silly string.

Here’s what happened: A moistened hole opened in that giant orange face and spewed out something. What he said was a mystery because I had the interview on mute. I just got over a debilitating case of diarrhea; I didn’t need a relapse.

I can only imagine the important news Trump imparted:









And perhaps the biggest surprise of all:



  1. Dear Baby Jesus in Heaven: Please, please, PLEASE inspire Donald Trump to run for president. Better yet, can you arrange a Trump/Palin co-president ticket? (Neither will accept a VP role.) If you do, I’ll go back to taking communion on Sunday mornings.

  2. I think Trump should shave his head bald. So he can give me his hair and I can finally get my kitchen floor shiny. Also, I would guess he is suffering from ‘tiny-dick’ disease for sure.

  3. That’s a lot of Yoplait! I don’t understand the segment of society who keep idiots like this relevant. I know he’s loaded, but so are a lot of people. Who gives a fuck? Somebody must.

    1. Totally. Just think how awesome it would be if he said to Putin: “You’re fired.” That’s how you run the free world, gentleman and ladies. Negotiation is for losers.

  4. My goodness that was simply brilliant. Thank you. Though I must ask, is that Swiffer Dry Mop cloth actually a real thing? As I have been fighting hair loss for some time now and could really do with that shit if so!

    1. The Swiffer Dry Mop cloth only really works on men with gigantic orange faces, raging narcissism and minimal intelligence. You’ll have to look elsewhere.

  5. Given this furry Oompa-Loompa is my least favorite ‘celebrity,’ seeing this post was like the best birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gift combined. I owe you. Big time. Gave me a good laugh, and you’ve lightened my spirits indefinitely.

  6. There are so many things I don’t understand about the world, but I do understand that it takes a special kind of person to think they’re still relevant when they are wearing a Swiffer on their head for dozens of years. I am surprised he hasn’t had it gold plated.

  7. It is amazing that people keep listening to him considering the whole brain dead thing. As you say, his other head is so small it is irrelevant so no brain there either. I’ve always wonder if you could stick him to any smooth surface via his puckered lips.

  8. I had my suspicions about the hair and the dick. I’m grossed out but gratified to have my suspicions confirmed. As for him being brain dead, can you imagine how much more damage he could do if he WASN’T brain dead. I don’t even want to think about it.

    1. I always enjoy hearing Trump bloviate about his supposed “wealth.” I’m pretty sure most of his money is Schrute bucks that he printed himself from some template on the Internet.

    1. I always make a point of pointing out his bankruptcies whenever I write about him. I think it should become part of his name especially when he’s attacking the poor about something.

  9. Hilarious! In Australia we have our own brand of crazy billionaires – eg. Clive Palmer who is building a replica of the Titanic (because the first one worked out so well)

    I did see a bottle of Trump’s cologne in a discount chemist. I bet it smells like money and toupee glue

  10. Why can’t we simply go back to billionaires who hide away like Howard Hughes. He didn’t feel it was necessary to masturbate on TeeVee.

  11. Because there were no shark attacks bahahahahaha. Also, references to tiny dicks and cocktail weiners will make me laugh every time. I’m 12. You’re awesome.

  12. That man has to do something with his hair. He’s so fucking rich, and yet he walks around with that ridiculous hairstyle. I think he must have a magic mirror in which he sees the reflection of Fabio. Jerk.

    1. Oh my gosh, I think you’re right! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m probably just jealous of his orange face and cotton-candy textured hair.

  13. I’m going to be controversial for a moment here and say that his hair looks fluffier, softer even, than usual. Do you think he’s using conditioner now? In the olden days I’d have paid good money for that hair to get my stainless steel pans cleaned. By the looks of it here, I find it more appropriate for packing fine china.

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