Donald Trump is the news again because. . . um . . . there have been no shark attacks? I’m not sure why.
ABC scored the interview after a bull shark from Discovery Channel’s Shark Week had to cancel.
Trump is our generation’s P.T. Barnum, if P.T. Barnum was a raging hemorrhoid covered in silly string.
Here’s what happened: A moistened hole opened in that giant orange face and spewed out something. What he said was a mystery because I had the interview on mute. I just got over a debilitating case of diarrhea; I didn’t need a relapse.
I can only imagine the important news Trump imparted:
And perhaps the biggest surprise of all:
Speaker7 
Dear Baby Jesus in Heaven: Please, please, PLEASE inspire Donald Trump to run for president. Better yet, can you arrange a Trump/Palin co-president ticket? (Neither will accept a VP role.) If you do, I’ll go back to taking communion on Sunday mornings.
Neither has to actually run for president in order to blather about absolute nonsense on the tee-vee.
It doesn’t hurt.
I knew Gollum looked familiar, I just couldn’t place it. Now I understand where I got the resemblance from.
The Donald was precious as a baby. Preciouussssssssss.
Hahaha! Good lord, I cannot stand that man. You would think with all of his “riches” he could at least afford a good hair piece.
Maybe he thinks it makes him an eccentric millionaire rather than a giant douche-toole, which is what he is.
I think Trump should shave his head bald. So he can give me his hair and I can finally get my kitchen floor shiny. Also, I would guess he is suffering from ‘tiny-dick’ disease for sure.
I feel so bad for all the sufferers of “tiny-dick” disease. Like Rush Limbaugh…Bill O’Reilly. My heart bleeds for them.
If Trump was bald he’d look like a Bond villain.
That’s a lot of Yoplait! I don’t understand the segment of society who keep idiots like this relevant. I know he’s loaded, but so are a lot of people. Who gives a fuck? Somebody must.
When I was a reporter, my boss always wanted me to interview the local racist. I guess stupid sells or something.
Let’s see: Not qualified to give us business advice, marriage advice, public speaking advice, hair advice. Qualified to be president.
Totally. Just think how awesome it would be if he said to Putin: “You’re fired.” That’s how you run the free world, gentleman and ladies. Negotiation is for losers.
My goodness that was simply brilliant. Thank you. Though I must ask, is that Swiffer Dry Mop cloth actually a real thing? As I have been fighting hair loss for some time now and could really do with that shit if so!
The Swiffer Dry Mop cloth only really works on men with gigantic orange faces, raging narcissism and minimal intelligence. You’ll have to look elsewhere.
Given this furry Oompa-Loompa is my least favorite ‘celebrity,’ seeing this post was like the best birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gift combined. I owe you. Big time. Gave me a good laugh, and you’ve lightened my spirits indefinitely.
I imagine more of these “exclusive” interviews will be happening in the future so prepare for more gifts.
His blow hole truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Best LINE ev-ah, my friend: Trump is our generation’s P.T. Barnum, if P.T. Barnum was a raging hemorrhoid covered in silly string.
I was just trying to think how I could convey Trump’s showmanship along with his gigantic assfaceness.
Reblogged this on The Mercenary Researcher and commented:
I have to reblog this just for this line: Trump is our generation’s P.T. Barnum, if P.T. Barnum was a raging hemorrhoid covered in silly string.
Especially love the last caption!!
The last caption is a 100 percent factual. I even checked it out on Snopes.com.
hahaha!
Gollum!! Of course!! “Obama is a thieffff, he stole hisss preciossss birth sssssertificate… He won’t show it to ussss!!!”
I’m not convinced Trump was born in the US. I think he might have been grown in some alien lab.
There are so many things I don’t understand about the world, but I do understand that it takes a special kind of person to think they’re still relevant when they are wearing a Swiffer on their head for dozens of years. I am surprised he hasn’t had it gold plated.
He’s a man ahead of his time. In the future, we will all wear Swiffers.
I am just going to jump on that bandwagon and be an early adopter for once.
The last frame. Yes. This.
I am at a loss to explain how anything he says about anything is newsworthy. It’s like interviewing everybody’s drunk, racist uncle.
A good laugh was had, and needed. Thanks. 🙂
We laugh because otherwise we would lose our minds.
It is amazing that people keep listening to him considering the whole brain dead thing. As you say, his other head is so small it is irrelevant so no brain there either. I’ve always wonder if you could stick him to any smooth surface via his puckered lips.
Oh I would definitely think his sucker mouth would stick quite nicely.
I had my suspicions about the hair and the dick. I’m grossed out but gratified to have my suspicions confirmed. As for him being brain dead, can you imagine how much more damage he could do if he WASN’T brain dead. I don’t even want to think about it.
Luckily we won’t ever know. His brain is completely done.
The Yoplait one killed. You really need to stop being so funny because I don’t much like the feeling of milk going through my nose.
I always enjoy hearing Trump bloviate about his supposed “wealth.” I’m pretty sure most of his money is Schrute bucks that he printed himself from some template on the Internet.
Donald Trump sucks so much, it amazes me sometimes.
He’s very talented that way.
I love it. Especially the bankruptcy comment.
I always make a point of pointing out his bankruptcies whenever I write about him. I think it should become part of his name especially when he’s attacking the poor about something.
Hilarious! In Australia we have our own brand of crazy billionaires – eg. Clive Palmer who is building a replica of the Titanic (because the first one worked out so well)
I did see a bottle of Trump’s cologne in a discount chemist. I bet it smells like money and toupee glue
Trump also has his own line of Trump Steaks, which I imagine taste just like his cologne.
If The Donald is running for blowhard, he owns my vote.
I think he’s running for blowhole.
Why can’t we simply go back to billionaires who hide away like Howard Hughes. He didn’t feel it was necessary to masturbate on TeeVee.
No kidding. Now we even get updates on Suri Cruise’s style and North West’s diaper offerings.
I totally agree with the last statement. Why, oh why?
Because there were no shark attacks bahahahahaha. Also, references to tiny dicks and cocktail weiners will make me laugh every time. I’m 12. You’re awesome.
I’m a sucker for fart jokes myself.
Hahahaha! 🙂 Loved this!
Ah, Donald. It’s like he thinks what he says is important or something. It’s not election year sweetie, even the Republicans aren’t listening to you. Shut the fuck up.
But Obama’s birth certificate?!? What about that?!? And what about…um…Trump steaks?…ok, I’ve got nothing.
That man has to do something with his hair. He’s so fucking rich, and yet he walks around with that ridiculous hairstyle. I think he must have a magic mirror in which he sees the reflection of Fabio. Jerk.
Finally, it makes sense now.
Good call on the mute. He would have DEFINITELY set your recovery back another week or seven.
Now if I can avoid all other people on the tee-vee blathering nonsense I will be all set.
I get the feeling you don’t like Donald Trump. I’m really perceptive that way.
Oh my gosh, I think you’re right! What the hell is wrong with me? I’m probably just jealous of his orange face and cotton-candy textured hair.
I’m going to be controversial for a moment here and say that his hair looks fluffier, softer even, than usual. Do you think he’s using conditioner now? In the olden days I’d have paid good money for that hair to get my stainless steel pans cleaned. By the looks of it here, I find it more appropriate for packing fine china.
Trump and P.T. Barnum … lol! All we need is an elephant in a pink tutu. Brilliant post.
This is just awesome. Thanks for the laughs!
This is great. I always wondered what was in his hair.