It’s easy to lose track of time in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I spend so much time taking care of my family and obsessing about Jennifer Aniston’s alleged baby bump that I nearly missed Halloween.
Luckily the local grocery store put up its Halloween candy display on July 31.
I want to applaud the store for getting a jump on the holiday because seriously it would have looked like a giant wang-hole if it had waited until Aug. 1. By then, I’m completely out of the Hallow’s Eve mood, and ready for winter.
Although I appreciate the steady drumbeat of consumerism, I’m having difficulty deciding on my Halloween costume. Normally this is locked down on June 15 so I have enough time to plan my Saxophone Day activities (Nov. 6, only 97 shopping days away!!!!!!).
I wanted to portray my favorite superhero:
But I fear that it may have the shelf life of a pumpkin carved on Aug. 2 (Pumpkins should be carved on July 5, silly). And there’s a good chance that another politician will be embroiled in some other scandal that will eclipse Weiner’s wiener.
I’m feeling the pressure, a pressure that can only be relieved by ingesting 40 pounds of candy corn.
Unfortunately now that it’s Aug. 2, the local supermarket has moved on.
Speaker7 
I have been trying to figure out exactly what represents the “holiday” we Canadians have this weekend so I can post a “Happy whatever this holiday is” on client pages as I am expected to. It would be much easier to just grab some of that Halloween stuff and decorate their sites with it. All I can think of is orange, candy apples and face paintings now. Oh, crap…I’m in trouble.
Michelle,
You are of course referring to the International Week of Clowns, right?
Le Clown
Le Clown,
The International Week of Clowns is easy. I would just plaster your face all over everything. This I will enjoy thoroughly.
Michelle,
You should be figuring out what holidays are five months away and then said the holiday wishes this weekend.
Le Clown – Peace on Earth, good will to clowns.
Believe me when I tell you I have been thinking about this for six months. It is such a weird, strange holiday that I start to panic five months ahead of time. By now I am a puddle.
It’s that close to Halloween already? Damn, that means next week is when I have to start stocking up for Super Bowl Sunday…
You haven’t stocked up yet?!? Oh boy…I don’t know what to say.
Love your writing! Very funny!
Thanks so much.
I say go as Kenny G, this way you have Halloween AND Saxaphone Day covered. You’re welcome.
P.S. – Why do I get the feeling Carlos Danger and Hugo have an intense private message stream happening on Twitter?
You are constantly coming up with the most amazing ideas. I salute you.
Carlos Danger is already passe’ – you need to get more topical, sister. I say you dress up as Kim Kardashian and Kanye’s baby, North West. You’ll need to predict what that little rascal will be doing around October 29th and go with it. I’m guessing that North will be filling the designer diaper with number 2 while clubbing in the VIP room at Chuckee Cheez.
I disagree! I think a costume based on your Carlos Danger drawing would be very popular.
That’s technically not Carlos Danger, but is in fact Edgar W. Weiner himself…make sure you find a good ascot soon.
I think I could definitely pull off a designer diaper. Thanks for the tip!
Carlos is my first name and I would often sign “Danger” as my middle name in emails to friends because, well, that’s just funny. Never mind his wife. What a jerk for ruining my game. I like the superhero take, however. Maybe I can work with that. Happy Halloween.
I think you have the makings of a lawsuit right there.
So much shopping to do, so little time.
Seriously. I hope by now you are shopped up until National Yo-Yo Day (June 6).
Costumes come and go, but I think The Weiner’s here to stay. You could probably even recycle it next year. I don’t think that thing’s ever going to stay hidden…
Good point.
And it’s only 118 days until Thanksgiving/Hanukkah. Hanukkah is multi-tasking this year. I don’t think NYC is ready for a Mayor Danger, although we did have a Senator Pothole for far too long. Hey, maybe you could dress as a pothole for Halloween.
I’m afraid my pothole attire will attract Weiner.
Only 91 days to get all those razors in the candy – crap, it comes sooner every damn year!
I am forced to eat all of my kids’ Halloween candy because of people like you. I wouldn’t be responsible as a parent if I didn’t give their candy a close… erm… examination. Heaven knows it is a huge task because I force… um… encourage them to lug a pilllowcase around, not some flimsy plastic bucket that might cut their little hands. Mother of the year, right here.
It’s a tough task, but someone has to do it. Don’t forget you are also protecting them from cavities.
Jumping on a dentally hygienic grenade. See, I am such an altruistic mom.
I think Carlos Danger is going to outlive Anthony Weiner’s political career.
Or maybe the’s just “hope”…
Where’s the Arbor Day love?
Trees are dumb. What have trees ever done for us?
I hate how crass commercialism has totally buried the religious message of holidays like Halloween. I know it’s tempting to down 40 pounds of candy corn, but that’s just asking for trouble. Be sure to mix it up with some popcorn balls adn those peanut-butterish taffys.
Those are the second grossest candies ever.. right behind circus peanuts.. followed by candy corn. Some candy was meant to die after the Great Depression.
Is that how these candies came into existence, from The Great Depression? Explains a lot.
It is then only rational explanation… either extreme deprivation of anything sweet or an intense desire to just die must have inspired the creation of such despicable candy.
I totally missed the New Year’s noise makers and cheap ‘champagne.’ Were those on display last night? I like the Weiner costume. Does it come with a cell phone and Twitter acct?
Yes, and a bunch of sexting tips.
And also how to wrangle a wife who will take the blame?
Nothing says “I love you” like six-month-old candy and partially-deflated balloons.
You’re such a romantic!
See, you’re joking, but I totes already know what my Halloween costume will be.
And I’m not telling.
Carlos Danger?
you’re so close.
I am PRAYING Weiner wins the mayoral race. The New York Post and Daily News have been having a field day with the headlines and I don’t want it to end. The other day, Howard Stern and his sidekick Robin Quivers read the transcript of his salacious text messages with Howard as Weiner and Robin as the femme fatale. I thought it was going to be an all-out laugh riot but instead I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I didn’t see that coming.
Actual headlines:
Weiner Pulling Ahead
Stiff Competition for Weiner
Weiner Trouble Hard on Huma
Plenty more where THAT came from! An inexhaustible supply. Tell me you don’t want more Weiner double entendres. I sure do!
The headline if he wins: Weiner Slips In
I think the real question is: what is hugo going to be for Halloween?
It’s always tough for him because he is the man of 1,000 disguises.
I never do anything for Halloween but I think it might be fun to dress up. I don’t remember if I kept my latex cat suit or not. Meow.
That might also work for Run It Up a Flagpole and See if Anyone Salutes Day on Jan. 2.
Every holiday happens seven weeks before it should in marketing land. This is why you can buy a bathing suit in January, and wool pants in June. Sigh. Silver lining: funny post by you as always – hooray!
This is the reason I’m using a woal coat as a bathing suit.
And yet I did not see anything in stores for National Orgasm Day and almost missed it on July 31st. Priorities people!
I missed it?!? Typical.
If only they would start marketing for Easter already, because I could really use a Cadbury Cream Egg.
Those should start appearing in September.
I am going as Lisa Vanderpump, and I’m hoping Hugo will be my Giggy.
ZOMG. You will win every costume contest.
Thanks for reminding me the Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.
One of my Facebook “friends” recently posted her status as being done with her Christmas shopping. I have been needing a place to vent about how much that pissed me off, so thanks.
Can you come down to NYC and decorate some of Weiner’s campaign posters like this? I’d really appreciate it.
The problem with buying Halloween candy now—aside from the obvious problem, that IT’S STILL SUMMER—is that with the heat, all the chocolate pumpkins and witches melt and get all misshapen and they’ll just scare the children. I know because I’ve invested in Halloween candy at this time of year before. I thought it would be fun, before I realized that those marshmallowy weird candies get insanely sticky and messy in 98-degree heat.
But fortunately, according to the retail calendars, the 4th of July is right around the corner, and that’s always fun.
Once again, I’m late to the party.