Massage Freak

I am getting a massage today.

I’ve never had one before. I don’t think rubbing against the Criss Angel waxwork at Madame Tussaud counts. Although I did get my mind “freaked.”

crissangelMy last birthday my husband gave me a gift certificate to a swanky spa. It has heated foot pools, herbal-infused steam rooms, rich people and unicorn rides.

I made the appointment a couple of days ago because I have been feeling tense. We had a death in the family. I feel like I’m treading water in my professional life. My husband is running for political office. And like Demi Lovato, I am worried about Miley Cyrus’ twerking.

Of course, the spa phone call made me even more tense because I’m generally awkward when dealing in unfamiliar subjects. I ended up ordering the “Monet” massage, which I guess involves being kneaded with a rolled-up Water Lillies poster.

I was told to arrive early and bring my bathing suit so I can enjoy the other “amenities.” Jesus christ, I have to wear a bathing suit now? Maybe I can also rewatch that film strip about a girl’s changing body to feel the highest level of discomfort.

The whole spa idea makes me a bit anxious. I’m not much for pampering. I did get a manicure once before my wedding, and sweated through the whole process trying to make agonizing small talk with the manicurist.

Did you know that it looks like your nails grow after you die? That’s because your skin is receding and decaying. . . Oh, you just do one nail for a manicure? It looks good. Thanks.

My limited understanding of massages comes from playing the Justin Bieber Massage game.


I’m hoping my experience involves less hubris and trucker hats.

Maybe I would feel more comfortable if I took someone with me, someone who has gone through the experience and knows what to expect.


On second thought, maybe I’ll keep Hugo at home.


  1. No need to be nervous. A good massage will make you feel light and wonderful. It’s one of life’s less guilty pleasures, just behind rich, dark chocolate. Let yourself enjoy it. 🙂

  2. First off, I’m really sorry to hear about the death in the family.

    Second, imagine other famous greats-massage possibilities! Jersey salons would have the “Edison” massage – you walk over burning coals and crushed light bulbs.

  3. Dear Huma,
    A day at the spa might just make you forget you’re married to Anthony.

    (Sorry to hear you lost a family member. Death sucks. If only we could avoid it.) xx

  4. They want you to wear your swimsuit? I thought with all professional massages you were supposed to just show up naked? All of my massages were….Hmm…maybe I walked into a Zumba studio/porn ring by accident?

    Enjoy yourself. It really does make you feel like a new woman.

  5. Condolences on the death, here’s to the win for the husband, fingers crossed on the job and never, ever twerk. I’d have to seek you out, which meanings driving my car for days, staying in hotels, eating in restaurants I’m not familiar with–all things that raise my anxiety level–and stop you. Friends don’t let friends twerk. Jus’ saying.

    Enjoy the day, remember to immediately pick your polish–OPI has the best names–and sit there waiting and pulling your bathing suit out of your bum. Fun!

  6. So what will you take for your ritual sacrifice. I took a cow once. Caused all kinds of commotion. If you take a cow, make sure it is unblemished and is wearing a diaper.

  7. I’ve had one massage. I was nervous too. First the lady told me all about my toxins and how I should drink water. Ummkay. Then she said she wouldn’t massage my boobs. Nooo problems there. Then, oh, she told me to strip – well I could wear my underwear. And a sheet. I didn’t really care that much, as I’ve had my feet in stirrups in front of lots of people by now. She pounded on me a while, and it felt pretty good at the time. Then I was sore. But it helped – maybe? Better than one of two manicures I’ve had. Scraped off in less than a day. Oh, um, good luck!

  8. I’m not crazy about massage places either. I know lots of people that go and swear they are not skeevie but … eeeeww. Schmancy or not, I don’t think I like to be touched by strangers.

  9. A bathing suit? I thought the magic of spas/massages was the nudity? I don’t know. I’ve been to a spa exactly one time. And I was naked the whole time. And I got a cool robe. But, that was a long time ago.

      1. It was sort of like watching a warrior weep. I was sort of hoping, leglessness aside, that Hugo has no weakness, that perhaps he was joining the Hell’s Angels and had gone to get his sleeves inked.

    1. I recommend it and I’m totally socially awkward all the time. You just have to get through not knowing if you’re supposed to be naked or robed and the giggling and you will be fine.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Time will help you cope better. And good luck to your hubby in his race!
    I got a massage once, when I was pregnant. It was glorious! I’ve never forgotten the feeling, and it’s been more than 25 years. I soooo want another massage.

  11. Haha that sucks! Massages can totally be scary on your own! I had a great one recently, but the first one I ever had the guy got a little too touchy feely. It was horrible.

    But that won’t happen! It will be amazing! Being massaged with a rolled up Water Lilies poster sounds fantastic! I think you should bring Hugo anyway.

  12. I cannot handle getting a massage. I feel way too vulnerable and I don’t like strange people touching me. Freaks me out. Hope you had fun! *shudder*

    1. I am not into strangers touching me, but this was da bomb. And I’m sorry I used “da bomb” but that’s just how relaxed it made me.

  13. If you can get past the anxiety, which I can’t always (see here for the embarrassing details, a luxury spa massage is one of the greatest things ever. Whenever I walk out, I look as if I’ve done all of the drugs in the world I’m so zenned out.

    I hope it helped you relax and gave you a needed hour to clear your head. I’m sure you handled the whole experience like a champ.

    1. It was pretty sweet. It started off feeling awkward because, let’s face it, it is awkward, but then I just wanted to pass out. It’s almost identical to my behavior at social functions.

  14. Sorry about the death in the family. It sounds like you are in need of some de stressing. Unfortunately, I got so stressed about my first massage I couldn’t breath. It was just weird.
    On another note…I was at my Dr on Tuesday and noticed that there were quite a few babies coming and going. I commented on this to the nurse because I usually only see old sick people there. She said, “We call them the ‘Grey’ babies, because they were all born 9 -10 months after the 50 Shades of Grey came out”. Clearly they hadn’t read your blog.

  15. I find massages both awesome and creepy. I one time had a massage therapist who looked just like a blond Julia Child and it scared the crap out of me. That’s how much I liked it.

    Mr. Speaker7 for President!

  16. I don’t think a day goes by when there isn’t some allusion to Miley twerking. I have had to google it to find out what people are actually talking about, and it seems like its fast becoming a world issue! Glad you liked your massage. I’m always a bit worried i’m going to get too relaxed and dribble. Serious panic!

  17. Sorry about the death in your family, and glad you enjoyed the massage. I only had one once and, though I ended up liking it, I was so uptight about the protocol it took the first 15 minutes to work out THAT tension in my shoulders.

    I had to google “twerking”, too. Your link just lead to more links about Miley and company, and more links, and more links until it was a bottomless vortex of celebrity gossip and I got lost like I was in the 9th circle of Dante’s Inferno looking for Virgil to show me the way out. But thank for that link.

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