Confessions of a Non Shopaholic

I am a woman so therefore I like “woman” things, according to them.

I like to substitute actual dessert with shitty, chemical-laced low-fat yogurt bearing the same name of the actual dessert.

yoplaitI like to have old white men with shriveled balls control my family planning.

abortioncrusadersI’ve watched Sex and The City so I know I’m supposed to love expensive shoes, mindless consumerism, and two horrible movies, but I don’t. I fucking hate shoes.

I get the necessity of them. They’re helpful when walking on broken glass, hypodermic needles and tar balls of gonorrhea. They conceal hairy toes, yellowed toenails, and feet stench (not mine…a friend’s). They assist when kicking a ball or a nutsack.

But I just don’t get the shoe-shopping fetish that has been ascribed to women ever since Cinderella screwed her foot into a glass slipper and married a dolt.

The shoes are mostly uncomfortable, yes? I can’t be the only one who experiences the sensation my toes are merging into one when I cram a high heel onto my foot and proceed to trot-wobble around like a newly-born foal. They also seem to be made on the cheap. When I picked up a slingback, it disintegrated into a pile of insulation, sawdust and the tears of the seven-year-old who made it.*

*This is a lie because it would mean I would have to know what the fuck a slingback is and that I’ve also gone shoe-shopping in the last decade.

Shoe-shopping is on par with making a sandwich at the beach without plates, and attending weekend-long dance recitals not starring your child.

The trouble is, I need to go shoe-shopping. Like me, my shoes are falling apart. It became apparent when I mistakenly left a pair of shoes at the gym, and they went untouched for a month. I figured if they were pretty good shoes, someone would have walked away with them–literally.

But they were these:

oldshoes

I’ve worn these for over the last five years. These shoes are the worst shoes because they have no back to them yet I wear them in the winter, during rainstorms, mud tornadoes, etc. because I am a moron. They slip on easily and I guess I can’t be bothered to spend that extra millisecond wedging my heel into a shoe.

I used to have other “dressy” shoes for work, but they’re in even worse condition and/or lost because I can’t be bothered to look in my closet.

I nearly left these shoes, but I do have a wedding coming up.

I do have my “summer” shoes:

wornoutshoes

They’ve taken on the appearance of a roadside attraction in central Florida.

And I own a pair of sneakers for Zumba. They are currently caked in grass snippets because I mowed a wet lawn in them when I had mistakenly left my “dressy” shoes at the gym.

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59 comments

  1. Shoe Haters UNITE!

    Why do women wear horrible uncomfortable shoes that crack the bones in their feet, pull their calf muscles all out of whack and make them walk like someone whose IQ is lower than their stilettos?

    Comfort and protection for woosy feet is the only reason to buy shoes. That and those annoying “no shoes, no service” signs.

      1. I hate shoes too! I had no idea there were so many of us. Which is saying a lot since “so many” is, so far, four.

    1. Hmmm…I looked them up online. They look comfortable although I think I might get tripped up in the straps, and I can order them without having to step into a shoe store. Win-win.

    1. Although I left it out of the post, I do have a pair of mowing-the-lawn sneakers. I would have worn them the last time too, but it has been raining here every other second so I took the opportunity when there was a 20-minute lull and ruined my “good” sneakers. There was no time to change, Darla. No time!!

  2. I like shoes well enough, I just hate shopping. & by hate I mean loathe with every ounce of my being.

  3. lmao – I used to love shoes with ridiculously high heels, but these days I wear Ugg boots all winter and a pair of falling-apart slip on sandal in summer. I feel your pain. 🙂

      1. Being short and fashion conscious I tottered around on 4 inch heels all through my 20s and 30s. With age came more trips to the chiropractor. I learned. 🙂

  4. “Shoe-shopping is on par with making a sandwich at the beach without plates, and attending weekend-long dance recitals not starring your child.” I want that inscribed on my gravestone. I hate shoe shopping too. My summer sandals are five years old now too and they smell like death warmed over, but darn it if they don’t have some life left in them. I plan to replace them when I’m 50.

    1. I really think shoes should be made to last forever. I know that goes against capitalism and the free market and the exploitation of cheap labor, but it should be the case.

  5. I have one fashion crazy friend who is addicted to heels. She knows how to walk in them and she is eye candy in those stilettos. She also has bunions, constant foot infections, and her feet are forever killing her. Whenever I am with her, wherever we go, we always get preferential treatment. I think it must be assumed that I’m her food taster. When I’m with my pal, Milton, and I’m wearing my Jack Purcell badminton shoes, we generally sit in steerage.

  6. I put in my high heel time back when I was young–when my thighs were rock hard, my face free of lines and my tatas up where they belonged on my chest, not nuzzling the tops of my white pants. I adored shoes back then.

    Now, I survive using a great pair of leather flip-flops, fleece lined Uggs for cold winter days, sneakers to walk in, a pair of Easy Spirit shoes and, my favorites, my red Sanita clogs.. I have tons of other shoes, just in case, but, I don’t wear them.

      1. SO comfortable! And durable, too. Easy to slip on and off…i suggest a half size larger to accommodate socks. Mine are five years old and look great. I wear them with or without socks, my feet don’t get that weird sweat thing, I can walk for ages and my feet/legs don’t hurt. I like them better than the other brands. And, did I mention mine are RED????

      2. “my tatas up where they belonged on my chest, not nuzzling the tops of my white pants” – milk squirting out my nose here.

  7. Oh wow. A bunch of shoe shopping hating women! Yea!!! My mother used to say I was not a ‘natural’ woman because I hate shopping. Especially shoe shopping. Last count my mother had 53 pairs of shoes!! And she gave a whole bunch away! I have 2 pair. Sneakers and sandles. Oh and my slippers that I live in. I’m a diabetic so I’ve been told NOT to go barefoot or I would be all over that!

  8. I not only hate shoe shopping. I hate shopping. does this make me less of a woman? am I really a man? am i just a broke woman who doesn’t give a $hit? damn you S7 for making me question my identity. p.s. – are weeklong dance recitals that STAR your own child better? (all of my kids get their coordination from me and suck at dancing, so i’m just wondering.)

    1. I don’t give a fig about shopping. I don’t wear make up. I never think People’s Sexiest Man Alive is remotely sexy. I think we are the “new woman.”

  9. I love looking at shoes, and I do own a few different pairs for different occasions because that’s what adults do or something, but I wear the same black Chucks every single day. Raining, snowing, blistering hot…these shoes are like the post office, yo.

    1. Adults do some weird shit, yo. I recently bought placemats because I learned that was something else adults use. I might even buy a weedwacker too.

  10. My only requirement for shoes is they have to be comfortable. Chocs for work and flip flops the rest of the year. I reside in SC cause it’s pretty much accepted here. My flip flops are always being stolen from the beach access so I know I’m right.

  11. Oh god that sounds horrible. I hate shoe shopping unless it’s online because I know I’m not actually going to buy it and end up hating them like I normally do. I basically try to live in flip flops because then no toe squishing.

    What about a dressy pair of Birkenstocks? I’m being totally serious, the sandals are cuter and back in style. Plus, they’re comfortable. And I think they have ones with a back. Good luck.

      1. Have you considered having your feet cast in plaster to send to the footwear companies and tell them to fit those feet castings?
        Of course, it might take some time to scrub the molding compound out from under your toenails, but hey, if it means you can ‘ship your feet’ and still stay home, you might consider it. 🙂

  12. I hate shopping with an absolute passion; one of the reasons why is that my feet always hurt and sweat and then I break out in a heat rash. Lovely. Over the years I have figured out how to deal with shoes – I have to wear socks, for instance – and as a result have I changed my wardrobe, too. I force myself to get out there and find the shoes that work and then I usually buy two or three pairs of the same kind. Eccos often work well for me. How to find shoes without shopping – well, when you figure out how let me know! 🙂

  13. I don’t like shopping much either. I hate crowds. I own several pairs of shoes…skateboarding shoes, Pumas, Nikes and a few pairs of sandals and flip flops which I never wear. I thought I was weird because I never wear heels (and the fact that I’m almost 6′ tall in flats had a lot to do with that) but then it hit me the other day. I DO love shoes, just not the kinds that most women love. 🙂

  14. Shoe shopping is actually the ONLY kind of shopping I like, actually. I loathe clothes shopping. Your shoe size doesn’t really change over time so there’s no drama or panic over what size you are, and you don’t have to try shoes in while trapped in a room with hideous lighting and diabolically malformed mirrors. It’s not so bad, really. Oddly, although I have many pairs of shoes, I always go barefoot in the house and wear flip-flops almost exclusively during the summer. Go figure.

  15. I cannot relate to this as I love shoes and vapid consumerism. But I hate Sex and The City. And stepping on tar balls of gonorrhea. It’s the worst

  16. ~sigh~ I thought I was the only one. Turns out, I have a “sole” mate. Not only do I have ten year old shoes, I have 25 year old dresses. I don’t need no stinkin’ consumerism.

  17. I have no idea what you’re talking about. A love aspartame-laced yogurt, especially the kind that keeps me regular while slowly killing my happiness and also my insides.

    What’s ironic is that it’s so hard to find nice shoes that are comfortable, that when you finally do, you wear them every day until you’re forced to shop for shoes far more often than you’d like to.

  18. I agree with everything. I enjoy a shoe. I have about eight pairs, ranging from trainers to a rather nice pair of salmon pink heels. But do I orgasm in my pants at the prospect of scrabbling around a shoe department peering in low mirrors and being embarrassed by the socks I chose to wear that day? No. No I don’t. I orgasm in my pants at the prospect of shopping for a nice sandwich, but that’s about it.
    You are not alone.

  19. Can I join the club if I don’t HATE them, exactly? Sometimes I love them. But I feel really ambivalent about this, especially when you consider all the damage they can do over the years.

    Wait, are we talking about shoes or mothers?

  20. I don’t see the thing with shoes either. I have one pair of heels. I wore them to my wedding and exactly never since then that I recall. I used to wear dress shoes to work then I started wearing tennis shoes and no one has noticed yet. I also hate that cream pie yogurt – it tastes like crap. I have clearly failed as a woman.

  21. Holy shit you’re hilarious – I love this post. I’m the jackass that has a closet just for shoes, but wears busted ass flip-flops, Vans or boat shoes 93% of the time. Clever…Totally with you on being barefoot, and not pregnant…Also? “Dessert” that isn’t loaded with fat and sugar is a lie and I’m not touching it. Good luck shoe shopping!

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