I look fat.
Shit! I just turned off all the guys who were reading this. Did I learn nothing from Josh Aiello’s seminal article “3 Words He Never Wants To Hear You Say?”
Josh decided to share his infinite wisdom about lady diarrhea-mouth with Yahoo!Shine, a women’s site about all things ladies like lipstick, turkey basters and weak upper arms. Yahoo!Shine was created by mixing three parts Mountain Dew, two parts Massengill and five parts bottomless sadness.
According to Josh, a woman’s…oh excuse me…a girl’s lament about her bulk is the equivalent of a dude cutting off someone’s head times 10. Let him explain:
“To guys, these words are the Holy Grail of annoying things girls say, the abracada bra of instantaneous mood killers. . .”
That is some good analogying. It’s like the King Turd of nonsensical analogies.
I envision Josh looks like this:
Now you may be thinking, how does Josh know these are the three worst words a woman can say? Wouldn’t “I love Hitler” or “Equal pay now” or “I hate your writing” (I know that’s four, but my brain is fat) be worse?
Josh did some scientific analysis of this phenomenon by interviewing his wolf pack at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Adam, or A-dawg as I like to call him, says it’s like a downer because if she’s talking, she’s unable to continue the blowjob. “She’s either fishing for compliments, she doesn’t like herself, or she actually has gained weight. . .”
Total boner killer
I mean, jesus christ, girls, you with your body issues, which are in no way the fault of a culture and media that value women for their looks and boobies. You are almost distracting me from reading the latest Us Weekly on whose body is definitely not beach-ready.
Adam is this brah by the way:
And the guy is helpless because once you say it, all he can see is your fat mouth spitting out fat words in between crumbs of Entenmann’s. Let Josh set the scene:
I once dated a really pretty girl who was convinced she was overweight. She told me she thought she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted whether what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.
Wow. Such a powerful story and what an amazing act of courage. It reminds me of the story of Harriet Tubman when she finally decided to make her escape from slavery. Harriet knew it was only a matter of time she would be sold away from her family and husband John. She tried to get John to go with her. “I won’t go with you Harriet,” he said bravely. “You look really fat right now.” Courage.
So what’s a lassie to do?
Incidentally the three words I would never want to hear from Josh are these:
“I got published.”
Thank you, although much of the credit goes to Josh for having a brain that thinks up stuff like this.
I always thought fat girls were better at fellatio because we care more.
That should be on a T-shirt.
I would wear it.
Sadly, there are a lot of women that find douchebags like this attractive.
Yes. At times we are our worst enemies.
Gawd, what a guy. I totally want in his pants right now. So I can cut off his tiny, tiny peen.
He cares about girls that’s what makes him so adorable.
My tattoo reads “FTD”: Fight The Douche.
Or, rather, it will.
Brilliant. FTD might be my favorite acronym.
Do you think he’s single? You don’t have his number, do you? Oh, well. It wouldn’t matter anyway. My fingers are too fat to dial the phone.
He is quite the catch of the day, a catch of the day that was left out in the sun far too long.
Although a girl saying “I look fat” is a HUGE buzzkill
Maybe, but is it the worst thing? Worse than “I eat people” or “I kill indiscriminately” or “I like JohnMayer” or “I read Yahoo!Shine?”
hee heee……Yahoo!Shine…so not a waste of the intergoooooglenetweb tubes.
You can learn so so much. Like I learned that I can harvest my cellulite to use in cake frosting.
Cake frosting is probably the reason I have cellulite.
It’s a classic Catch-22.
It is good to know that there are surefire ways to repel Josh and his minions.
I have already ordered my “I look fat” T-shirt.
You women are so lucky you couldn’t see his piercing eyes thanks to those Liza Minelli shades, or you would have been too mesmerized to stay objective.
Word. You always want to be completely objective when identifying douchery.
I was going to lament that women tend to ignore the sensitive, balding, older guys, preferring to value the attention of skinny young douches who have flavor-saver beards and brahs.
Hopefully, there will be a movement of women declaring “I got fat” so this bozo never has a chance to reproduce.
He’s just trying to help us with his wisdom and his soul patch.
Shut the fat up! I’m taking that to my meeting with Deepak Chopra tonight … it’s so enlightened!!
Josh is a bounty of wisdom.
Ohmagosh… I just laughed so hard my weak upper arms were jiggling.
I think Yahoo!Shine has an article about how to tie bows onto arm jiggle. It’s super cute.
What a fat piece of work! Unfortunately, it’s guys like him who are party responsible for women worrying that they’re fat!
Him and the entire media. There are actually articles published on actual news site about Hillary Clinton’s “fat face.” So…we’re doomed.
JeeeSUS I just went to see what this YahooShine business was about and after just twenty seconds I feel insecure, want to change the non-existant man in my life into marriage material and am wondering why I would need to boy-proof my lair? Are they talking bout my room, or my snatch? I don’t want to know. That place is an evil corner of the interwebz.
I think I read on Yahoo!Shine that reading Yahoo!Shine causes instant brain damage.
There are many times in life when i am glad to be old and married. Having to sling my fat through this chorus of assholes to find one with a brain would be far more work than reward.
I feel the same way. I basically throw my fat onto the kitchen table and proudly proclaim “Look at that fat!”
I usually call that dinner.
I don’t like to point out other people’s typos, but I think you misspelled Yahoo!Slime.
Whoops! Thanks for pointing that out. I won’t make that mistake again. The mistake is actually reading anything on that site, right?
I read this piece the other day and wondered where he got his info – of course it must all be true because it was on the internet.
Yes. And Josh did extensive research by talking to his bros and shit.
What an idiot. I hope some woman eventually eats him and gains 150 pounds.
That would be the greatest solution.
Hahah you are hilarious. I love the douchy supporting pictures.
Microsoft clip art is a treasure trove.
Speaker, I love you. I want a shut the fat up t-shirt when you make them.
I want to be fat to avoid this douche. I am grateful I am old and will never be near these insects in human skin thus will never actually kill.
I fear there are more of him than there are of us.
Just think, those of us who embrace the fat can overwhelm him with our fine selves.
Josh’s blow-up doll never says she’s fat.
She is truly the ideal woman.
His face is a mood killer.
His face makes me long for cupcakes.
My ex gf forever whined, “I look fat.” I forever said, “You look beautiful.” We had lot of terrific sex. Oh, she ditched me for someone younger that makes better money, or actually makes decent money. (sigh)
I think the problem was your lack of soul patch.
Brilliant. You’ve outdone yourself.
Thank you. Sometimes douchery can be really inspiring.
I believe it’s calle “anger”.
You should really put that brain on a diet of Cosmo and Mountain Dew. You’re already too clever for your own good and it’s making my blog look small.
Don’t say that, girl. Your blog is beautiful, baby. (Do I sound douchey-guy enough? That’s the affect I’m going for)
I was envisioning what these men would look like while I was reading and woman, you NAILED them! I mean, not nailed, NAILED them (you’re probably too smart and that intimidates boys), but that’s exactly what I think they look like, too 😉
You are too kind. Some people have an eye for style, I have an eye for douche.
sjhfkfjghsdflkgjhsdfgkjshfdgkdjsfgdksjfg sorry that was my fat splodging all over the keys. God I’m embarrassed, because I really didn’t want to mention it. Shit, I’m never going to get married now.
The 3 words that guys don’t like can be canceled out with these three words: “I give blowjobs”