Came across this new blog. It’s outstanding! Do I think this because I created it? That is as much of a mystery as what happened to the first six speakers. Don’t feel obligated to follow although I will engage in step 4 if you don’t, and it will be uncomfortable and awkward for all involved. This blog is also looking for writers–unpaid of course because money corrupts all–so if interested, contact TOHTB today.
You have just started a blog. No one cares.
Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.
Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:
- salsa
- the dust bowl
- sequestration
- VHS vs. Betamax
Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:
Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe Body Spray.
Step 4: Ask people to follow your blog. When they attempt to brush you off, start crying and…
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Speaker7 
I do the peeing and crying in person all the time. It works for almost anything.
I could swear there was a David Bowie somewhere in your composition. Then again, perhaps David Bowie *is* your composition.