Bland Tells All: A Very Special Edition of The Bachelor

Brace your fucking selves right now.

I’m serious.

This is going to stun your goddamn faces off.

Bland is in The Bachelor hizzouse getting ready to unload the contents of his meat brain to the very dyslexic Chris Harrison. I’m guessing Chris Harrison is dyslexic because he has trouble comprehending words like “dramatic” “tension” “exciting” “romantic journey” and “very special.”

I know you’re thinking Speaker7, wasn’t this fucking show on last night for two fucking hours? Like what the fuck, man?


But America has all these questions, Chris Harrison lies. And now is our chance to get our answers straight from Bland’s taint.

So what does Bland have to say about his bullshit romantic journey? What was so important that it required a whole extra hour of Bland’s blankness?






  1. Hold the presses!! Whilst in a food store, I saw one of the ‘news magazines’, and they said, *GASP* that Bland was a…

    ….virgin. If it’s there, it must be so, right?

      1. Why, yes. I love the news magazines for the illerit..the illeri…people who can’t read or write!

  2. Chris looks delighted to hear that news in the picture.
    Perhaps his suspicions were confirmed and he just won a great deal of money.
    And perhaps he just heard “peanuts” and then opened his mouth in anticipation.

  3. Are they the kind of packing peanuts that you can add water to in order to dissolve them to indescribable chemical messy goo? Am I enabling this crappiness by asking?

  4. No, no, no, his head is filled with circus peanuts, the worst candy on the face of the earth. That has to be it. I wonder which lucky, lucky lady is going to get that fine specimen of manly manliness? Oh, let it be LYndZii or whatever her name was!

  5. So, I’m hooked on this show now. FUCK ME.

    I watched the rose ceremony, but haven’t watched this episode yet. Honestly, what more can he have to say? My favorite part is when he left the rose ceremony, and Chris came in all concerned and laid down his words of wisdom, “The only advice I can offer you is to take as much time as you need.” Meanwhile, the cast and crew are waiting around wanting to punch both of them in the face for delaying staged reality.

      1. Have you read that Bland is a virgin? He’s saving themselves for “The One”. In other news, Chris Harrison and the producers of the show shit their britches over how lucrative this story line is for them.

  6. I’m not sure which makes me warmer and fuzzier: the fact that the speech bubble says “My head is full of packing peanuts” or the fact that you named that photo “Idiot.jpg.”

    1. Thank you for noticing the idiot filename. I put a lot of thought into it. I initally wanted to call it meatpacking, but thought idiot was far more elegant. And that is what The Bachelor is all about…class.

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