The Borelor

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Hmm?

Oh, yes. I’m recrapping The Bachelor.

It is two hours long!?! What the fuH.

I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this.

Um…

So this guy? Yep, his name is Bland. He likes his harem o’ ladies. He’s getting really connectedvilled with some of them. Some ladies are like “Fart.” Others are like “Poopy.” One sharts a sonnet.

This one climbs a mountain and claims her religion prevents her from kissing Bland on TV, but not from completely humilating herself on TV. Bland wants to kiss her, but also wants to drink a shoe filled with milk.

Roller derby group date. Woman I’ve never seen before say “I’m irrelevant.” Someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out. Sarah, of the one-arm, cries because this is the most boring episode. Bland’s heart bleeds Pringles® and gives her a pep talk that makes me want to chew off my arm.

Skate, skate, ambulance, feh.

One woman on the group date is trying to be interesting by being “the villain,” but she is just boring and makes me wish I was watching someone chew gum. “I’m going to leave,” she bores and ugh.

There is an hour left.

For fuck’s sake.

Random woman wonders why she is not sticking her finger in Bland’s bunghole. She does not get the coveted one-on-one date card. The other woman who earlier was crying about bloopy gets it and I’m so…..I’m so dead inside.

They both have crazy eyes and talk about how “excited” they are for this date. Driving. Interesting conversation ensues:

“We’re in Beverly Hills,” Bland says.

“I know,” says date person.

Pretty Woman reference. “We’re living out the fantasy,” Bland says. I think he thinks he’s getting a blow job from a hooker.

Clothes montage and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I’m up. I’m up.

She is getting her wish or her chlamydia, I don’t know, but she’s getting something and pffttt….45 minutes left. I swear time is standing still.

Bland is not feeling a “romantic ” connection with date person. “Romantic” connection means “hand job.” No rose for her. She leaves.

Bland heads back to the date by himself to hear “Ben Taylor” sing on his guitar. What is happening?

Rose falls “dramatically”to the ground. Some petals fall off.

I look dramatically at the clock and cry.

Bland platitudes to a bunch of random people before the rose ceremony. “I love ______ about ______.”

I love nothing about this show.

And this is why I won’t make it to the end, but I’m sure the rose ceremony is “dramatic” and “shocking,” but now is the time for…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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54 comments

  1. I watched this for the first time last night. It will be the last time. Your recraps are far more interesting than the shzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  2. It seems this show is about as classy as I thought it would be…where’s our world headed, Speaker7? I need some wisdom of yours.

  3. I appreciate you taking yet another pop culture assault for us, S7, but it keeps me up at night worrying for you. I am also worried about this show’s core audience. Once they stop making the show will they have to gently reintroduce them to society? Or just send them to an island?

  4. hahaha! The perfect reminder of why I don’t have TV. Your show is way more fun to watch anyway. If there’s someone named Pusseye on the show, I’m pulling for her.

  5. What I love is that most of these women are attractive. Stupid, but attractive, which is what men like Bland like. But it also means hundreds of other men would like them too, so why compete for this one idiot when there are so many others? Oh. I forgot. There’s money involved, so they’re definitely going to act like idiots. Sort of like that Wipeout show, only in that one everyone is physically assaulted instead of just nauseatingly assaulted. They had one episode that was a blind date one and OMG I think it would be awesome if they were to put the girls on the Bachelor through those obstacle courses. I’d watch them get smacked over and over again.

      1. Holy. It’s like a lifetime lost.
        You could eat a lot of chips in that same amount of time and somehow still come out ahead. Two Hours of Borelor? I think it’s worthy of only your blog fodder. Thanks for the sacrifice.

  6. Again? Good God Almighty, how many of these freaking shows will there be? Could they just go on for all of time? Will they start using Roman numerals? Because isn’t this The Bachelor XIIVIIXVVVXIQW?

    Put a blond wig and veneers on a handful of shredded paper and most men couldn’t tell the difference.

  7. If a narrator said, “Next, on “The Bachelor” someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out”, the entire nation might tune in. I think you could be the mother of the next big thing in network TV. Maybe you could persuade Hugo to act as your agent.

  8. This sentence: “Someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out.” This is what makes you so fantastic.

    The only way this show could be interesting is if Hugo is The Bachelor.

    1. Adam S.
      One day…one day I will be the next Chris Harrison. And you will watch, and you will find a connection with something, maybe even a person. And it will be glorious.
      Speaker7

  9. I want to try to get on this show and have a total freakout at the rose ceremony. “Are you people crazy? I mean, here’s this guy who lives in his mom’s basement and gets his hair done at Supercuts and we’re all fighting over him like hungry tigers on feeding day? Fuck you, you STD-laden jezebels.”

    Then I’d rip my mic off and make history.

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