“Celebrity” Apprentice

I think I need an assistant.

I’m finding it difficult to juggle the demands of writing this sentence with watching Adam Richman scarf down an entire family of four on Man v. Food.

I want to be able to explore the craters my tonsils left in the back of my throat. For instance maybe I can top my marbles-in-the-mouth record of 47.

And I need all my brain storage to come up with the perfect name for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. So far, I’m stuck on Kool-Aid.

But am I big enough to warrant an assistant?

When I lived in Los Angeles for three seconds, I nearly interned with a fledgling Second City outfit. I was looking for some comedic writing experience and a chance to get out of my routine of crying in my apartment. The random guy only wanted someone to tally up his personal frequent flyer miles. Even though he was the only employee with no future prospects, he still needed an assistant.

Hugo, the half-man puppet, has five assistants solely to shine his bald head.

And Le Clown’s getting one.

I recognize I’m not as one-ab’d or clown-like as his Magnificence™, but I am scheduled to interview Le Clown’s peen so that must count for something.

Still, would anyone be willing to work for me for the lowly salary of nothing and the 100% probability of recaping the latest season of Honey Boo Boo?

Well, holy shitballs, it turned out there was!

I recently received this email:

“Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a applicable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered brilliant clear idea”

How soon can you start?

Now, granted, I wasn’t planning to amend my “web site” and I don’t really broadcast anything, but I think this person knows what the Speaker7 brand® is all about.

Who is this person?

Why the Lap Dance Factory, of course!

I went to Lap Dance Factory’s “web site” and I really believe my account “aided (it) a applicable deal.”

Lap Dance Factory left an address that specifically directed me to this:


Could this object help the Speaker7 brand®?


I think this is the beginning of a beautiful apprenticeship.


  1. I’m afraid that unless the Speaker7 brand is constipated to the point of impaction this will not help. It might, however, be fun at parties.

  2. Your “applicant” is actually a Nigerian prince. I know this for a fact because he recently wrote offering me a generous chunk of change for helping with his large inheritance. The poor guy! Two weeks ago he was on the verge of inheriting millions and now he’s applying to work for free?! Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

    1. He just told me if you give us $25,000, you will be paid back tenfold. Please send a check with “CASH” written in the memo line. That is his name. Prince CASH.

  3. Are you sure that email was meant for you and not Hugo? That anal explorer seems right up his alley…

    1. Once the spawn leaves her body and she has bejeweled her placenta and has it being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest, I will be happy to write that fanfiction.

  4. Kool Aid works – how about:
    West End Girl
    Kan Dash
    Kanned Heat
    and the anal intruder doubles as a mole-enchanter if you pop it in a hole in your back garden (nudge nudge wink)

  5. I applaud the fact that you had the nerve to click on the link associated with that email. I hope you have excellent virus protection. You’ll definitely need it if you purchase that product, I’m just sayin’.

  6. Speaker7,
    The Anal Explorer has better hair than the Donald…. and I imagine its intended function is much more enjoyable than the Trump version.
    Le Clown

    1. Lap Dance Factory is very busy dealing with my fan mail and keeping me stocked with anal explorers, but we’ll see what we can work out for February.

  7. I’m so envious, I have never had anyone offer to be my apprentice. And certainly no apparatus as imposing as the Anal Explorer. I’m sure you’ll be able to probe many compelling items with that sort of assistance.

    1. Check your spam folder, you could be missing countless requests for apprenticeship from all sorts of reputable outfits like listaemails, porn emporium, etc.

  8. Of course you know I would make the best assistant of all time. I would provide you up to the minute updates on the whereabouts of Ralph Macchio’s peen, dress in a strict uniform composed of jelly bean-colored pompoms adhered to a glittered tank top, and I would stick circus peanuts up my nose to help inspire your comedic writing. Why do I right now feel as pathetic as Darva Conger blindly proposing and awkwardly on national television?

    What does Lap Dance Factory have that I don’t? I mean, besides an anal explorer?

    1. He (it?) hasn’t gotten to that stage yet. I haven’t heard back from my email request to him (it). I imagine he is busy at the factory making all those lap dances.

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