Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill O'Turdly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Rush Turdball

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

issaturdThe former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock


This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich


Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Turdi Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera


Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Turdy England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre


I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.


  1. Reblogged this on H.E. ELLIS and commented:

  2. Speaker7,
    Mourdock doesn’t deserve the word “dick” in his name as that would imply he had balls… in which I could kick in. I’d like to add Paul Ryan to your list, as of pure spite.
    Happy New Year, brilliant friend.
    Le Clown

  3. Only 10, huh? GREAT POST – It must have been very challenging and a complete turdundrum to figure out which Turd made Top-Turd…they’re all worthy of being the biggest Shithead, er Turdhead, going.

    I kind of like Sporadic Turd too…or Sporific Turd…or Turd of the Hour, Minute, Moment, Second etc…. there are too many turds to have to limit yourself by a weekly standard of time.

      1. Well, you have have some sort of cut off, else you’d never get back to the library. Top 11 sounds weird and Top 3,000 would be a bit bulky – or maybe not if you did it as a ‘tweet’ (I like to put it in single quotes to indicate I don’t ‘tweet’…but I will Tweety if i’m a little tipsy).

  4. I was glad to see a woman on the list. Granted she only made the cut by spewing the same rhetoric of countless religious wrong men before her, she still made the list, and that counts for something.

    Give these ten credit though, I’m confident they could make this list damn near any year.

    PS: Extra credit for the ‘stache on Geraldo’s turd award.

  5. Speaker7 you have truly turded yourself out for these pictures. I would add a few names too, but I am sure the folks I’m thinking of will turd us out again in the New Year.

    Happy New Year!

    1. Elyse,
      Thank you. It means a lot coming from another person who readily recognizes and calls out the turds who populate our planet.
      Happy NY to you and may it be less turdish (likely not).

  6. You nailed it. Or should I say you turded it? Brilliant. And I have one more woman for your next year’s list: Ann Coulter. Can’t wait to see what turd balls eek from her mouth next year.

  7. The NRA. Ah, the NRA! Let us remember they refused to cancel their annual convention scheduled a few weeks after Columbine. Why should they, many ask. Well, let me go to the WayBackMachine™ (Thank you, Sherman and Mr. Peabody). Here’s the answer–because it was being held in Denver.

    Not a single winner (and quite a few whiners) in your list, so, well done!!

  8. That there was an excellent bit of surgery you just did, Speaker! Loooove to watch you slice and dice the Turdballs. Best wishes for the New Year!

  9. The Birther Train does go to BatShit Crazy, USA – but it doesn’t seem to stop there… it keeps going.
    (and I like “Sporadic Turd” – has a poetic rightness to it.).

  10. Dearest Speaker, I couldn’t help but notice a trend here. It seems that this list is comprised of conservatives and religious people. Could it be that the GOP is just one big pile o’ shit and the people on this list are just little balls o’ turds that just rolled off the pile?

  11. I love you Speaker 7, as well, but sometimes even in an icky gay way (Sorry, Lesbian Next Door, even us heteros have the right to partake). But seriously (she puts on her serious face now): You could have easily made it 20 or 25. Either this past year was unprecedented for turds (balled or not) or I am just getting a tad bit less tolerant of the endless supply of depleted gene pool our society keeps spewing out.

    1. Oh no doubt. I’m sure left off some pretty heinous examples. I couldn’t write about all of it or it would cost me my sanity. I’ve already lost so much from reading 50 Shats of Grey.

  12. Excellent list Speaker 7. I noticed that while I was away on vacation that a classic elephant-sized turd took the big dirt nap, Robert Bork. Back to turds of the female gender that are still kicking, two classic ones from my youth are Phyllis Schlafly and the mother of gay bashing Anita Bryant.

      1. If you ever have a slow ideas day about what to post, you might consider blogging about Top 10 Turds in History — for those of us that read your site for its intellectual enlightenment value.

  13. I can’t help but point this out: Tami Fitzgerald looks like a man that underwent a sex change operation to become a woman, and Geraldo looks like a woman that underwent a sex change operation to become a man. Am I off here?

    The list is 100% spot on. Fuck Bill O Reilly. He should be #1 and #2.

  14. A most excellent post, Speaker7. No wonder I often feel as if I am up that proverbial creek without a paddle – I’m surrounded by Turds. They live among us and some of them hold powerful or influential positions. The world is becoming a scarier place every day. Reading such pointedly funny posts as this one helps keep me sane.

  15. this is a turdtastic turd list. i would like to see tammy baldwin and tammy fitzgerald in a jello fight. my money (and prayer) is on the lesbo… LOVE, LOVE U. and happy new year. xoxo

  16. I got a Donald Trump tie for Christmas. I would take it back, but damn…it’s a good looking tie. He sure can order people to make things, can’t he? Great list…..I feel more and more great to be from Missouri. (Sarcasm)

  17. That must have been mighty hard to determine the top three. All equally turd-worth in my eyes. But there is just something about Bill O’Reilly’s smug face that makes me want to scream, so I’d probably pick him as number one. Or Rush. Yeah, he’s an asshat, too.
    God! This is SO HARD!! Well done, Speaker.

  18. Nice turd toupee. I was going to say something witty here ____, but my daughter ripped one with such velocity that it knocked my thoughts out through my nostrils and they tumbled off into oblivion. She did it in honor of your turdilicious post. At least, that’s what I assume her devilish giggles mean.

    Happy New Year

  19. Gaaaa! I hate LaPierre and the NRA. I am right now funneling all my Sandy Hook rage toward that shriveled turd which I’m sure therapists would call “healthy grieving.” I just got a comment on a blog post about “how tired (Mr. Commenter is) of the liberals playing politics with this tragedy and can (I) answer why liberals did this?” and I sort of wish right now I can give a turd award to blog commenters.

    I forgot how many worthy turds you’ve presented this past year. But what about the turd from Oklahoma (Arkansas?) who hated on the Girl Scouts, the one with the massive eyebrows? I miss that turd.

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