Some jerk said it is always better to give than receive.
That jerk obviously was never the recipient of a lamp with the Serenity Prayer etched into the glass. I received one of those as a high school graduation present from a boy I dated for two months, and it was not at all awkward.
People do seem to be in the giving mood. Every blog I click on seems to be giving something away to its loyal readership.
The Byronic Man and Jules of Go Jules Go have created a Christmas misery contest where the lucky recipient wins a custom-designed sheet set.
Madame Weebles gave her readers the gift of viewing her face as well as her marvelous middle finger.
Le Clown gave away his magnificent™ facial hair.
I feel I should be giving away something too, but what do I have to offer?
My facial hair is paltry although I do have a single hair that grows out of my neck and possesses the wirey resilience of a pube. Is that something people want?
Okay. I can’t really make anything although I did draw the turd picture for my Turd of the Week™ segment.
Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.
I suppose I could glue this image onto a roll of toilet paper for some lucky reader.
I really have little else. I am getting my tonsils removed in a few days, but Hugo has already staked claim to them for some nefarious purposes.
Hugo…hmmm. People seem to love them some Hugo. I’ve got it!
Okay, I’m pretty famous or I create the illusion of fame by sending myself fan letters. How would you, dear reader, like to appear in this blog space in an interview conducted by me and Hugo?
Fantastic.
All you have to do is give a reason why you think you are worthy of a Hugo interview in the comments.
Hugo, no. Please don’t do that. That is completely unnecessary. Just a simple comment is fine. I will attempt to interview everyone who responds, not in the same blog post because that can get kind of lengthy, but over the course of 2013.
Remember, I used to work as a journalist so I’m pretty good. I once was assigned to cover the local Memorial Day parade and I asked such questions like “So…why did you come to the parade?”
Expect that level of professionalism.
Your interview along with a write up and link to your blog will appear on Speaker7 to the delight of the human and puppet world.
Hugo, anything to add?
Fun!
The deadline to respond is Dec. 17.
Speaker7 
OOHHH!!! DO ME! DO ME!
My Hugo-worthy reason is that I am an author, and I’d let to get the word out about a pet project of mine. Basically, anyone who buys a wristband for my favorite charity gets a free copy of any H.E. Ellis ebook of their choosing. If you’d like to check it out go here:
http://wristsaroundtheworld.com/
Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get Hugo to take a picture wearing one!
That is definitely a worthy cause and one you can promote after you answer a series of bizarre questions thought up by the world’s creepiest half-man puppet.
But she’s already been interviewed by Edward Hotspur. What about your Hugo thing?
Good point. Hugo will also doing an interview.
Um, Is this like the first-caller scenario on the radio? Because if credentials or some kind of achievement is required, I will have to get back to you. Probably under a false name and equally false credentials. (As a side note: Hugo kind of freaks me out — I can’t even look at my biscotti now…)
I’m sorry Hugo has ruined biscotti for you. He has ruined many thing for me…happiness, laughter, joy.
Don’t worry about achieving anything. It actually makes me feel bad because I achieve so little. All you need to do is state a reason why you should be worthy of Hugo interview. It could be as simple as “Hugo owes me for ruining biscotti forever.”
Haha! I think Hugo should interview me because he looks like my great uncle and I’m suspicious my family isn’t being honest with me about where I came from. Not physiologically, but in terms of heritage.
Oh, how I envy your anonymity. I have an entire portfolio of bowel movement-related drawings I’ve been dying to share.
Maybe Hugo could coax them out of me. If he does, I’ll tell you whether or not I intended that pun.
Your bowel-movement drawings need to be seen by the world. I think Hugo can help.
To voluntarily subject yourself to the harsh unforgiving glare of a blinding journalistic spotlight, one would truly be viewed as stark raving mad! Much like a hatter!
Were a certain lamp, with the ability to teach me the difference, tossed into the mix, I may get all chatty and narcissistic for the two of you.
Smooches,
DB
P.S. Please no pantiless crotch shots of me getting out of a limo, so 2011. Yawn.
Sadly, the lamp has been lost or thrown out because its beauty was too much to handle. I can only offer the fame one gets from appearing on Speaker7, which translates into about 5-6 blog views.
Yes, yes, yes, oh HUGO, yes! I totally deserve it because I have suffered as you have with 50 Shades of Fuckballs.
You do deserve it, especially since you are still suffering. Hugo and I have entered recovery.
Oooooooohhhhhhh, I’m IN! I’m still waiting for Hugo to tell us which way he prefers to garotte people, but maybe we can discuss this during the interview, over some absinthe.
You realize the more you write these things, the more Hugo becomes obsessed with you. This is not a good thing.
Oh, whatever you do, please don’t let Hugo interview me. He might find out all about that time I did that thing at that place with that guy, that I’ve never told anyone about and I’ve done my best to never think about and forget, even. Although I’m sure Hugo could lay (tiny) hands on the closed circuit camera footage and hold that over my head. So please don’t let him interview me. Okay? We cool? Good!
Hugo says he “knows everything about everyone” but I think he’s lying since he mostly spends his day watching reality TV. Don’t worry I won’t let him near you or any closed circuit camera footage.
Ummmm … I feel safer already?
I’m a bowl full of crunchy wit with sour milk on it. Try me.
Hugo is on board. He has started doing push ups.
fack yeah
How awesome!! Well I’ve yet to see Hugo delve into the realm of Batman, cupcakes, and S&M. Errr…I mean just Batman and cupcakes! 😉
We are both intrigued. Me about the cupcakes and Hugo about the possibility of collecting another soul.
I’m excited to the core.
OMG, I’d rather receive than give, only joking..not..Anything hard as Biscotti can interview me..I’m all dogged out..lol I might blish but I will never cower..lol xx00xx
Mollie and Alfie
I think blish might be a new word that means blushing while peeing. I will credit you when I start actively using it.
See I can’t even spell anymore, mean’t to say BLUSH not blish..lol xx
Speaker7,
I will only accept being interviewed by Hugo if Le Clown’s peen is interviewed. I feel he’s been neglected for too long.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
This will be the first interview.
Speaker7
I’m too scared to be interviewed, but I live with an unfortunate family heirloom who’s had her creepy little plastic eye on Hugo for ages now, and she promised me if I left a comment she’d never ever ask for anything ever again and would possibly even throw herself in the garbage, where she belongs. Here’s hoping…
Hugo would like to see a picture. You do not have to oblige, but he may show up at your house.
I am unworthy of this honor. But I can’t wait to read the results.
You will never be unworthy of me, but I can see your hesitancy to expose yourself to the weirdness that is Hugo. I can barely stomach talking to him on most days.
I went to the parade to collect some beads. My life is pretty boring but I could make something up for Hugo.
Your life will be made fabulous once you sign over your soul to Hugo.
That sounds like a fair trade
haha! I am looking forward to these interviews. Alas, Hugo doesn’t know me (phew!) But I know of him. So I am going to sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh, and probably get a bit creeped out.
Oh you will definitely be creeped out.
I will sleep with him. It’s how I got my job, my car, this candy bar, my new haircut and a Mayan calendar.
Mayan calendar? One that extends beyond the 21st?!?! IS IT THE MISSING CALENDAR?!
I also found the Missing Link and the Loch Ness Monster. Keep that to yourself!
*zipped lip*
Jen,
Hugo accepts.
Speaker7
I’ll just enjoy watching it all. I’ll just make sure not to be eating anything because as usual, I’m choking laughing reading your blog.
It’s also smart because Hugo’s questions will likely be disgusting.
Why should Hugo interview me? He and I sport the same hairstyle and we’re both men of mystery with an admitted fondness of the generous use of butt plugs. Besides, my 4 loyal followers are eager to learn more about me.
Hugo says he feels he’s found his long-lost brother, the brother he thought he shoved in a trunk and dumped in the ocean. He is eager to catch up.
Sounds promising. Perhaps he can shed some light on my fears of elephants and dumpers.
I’m beginning to think this interview will rival Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping attacking-Oprah one.
Umm.. I am worthy because it’s my birthday and therefore I am a PRINCESS. That’s irrefutable and we all know it. Also my family are a world away so virtual love has to do…
Happy Birthday! Sorry this reader giveaway will be kind of weird and off putting.
You should pick me because I am attracted to Hugo in an odd way..*batting eyelashes*
I am so deeply sorry to hear that, but it earns you an interview and possibly a cookie…yeah, you likely will need a cookie after admitting that.
Chocolate chip??
As long as it’s not a biscotti, right? 😉
I will give Hugo quite the great chase because a) I’ve been working out on a treadmill, I’m so much faster now (and his lack of legs helps me be even faster!), b) when I’m not being hit by car I drive quite fast in them and would be able to do epic chase scenes like the recent one from Taken 2 (especially since I too don’t know how to drive stick and would perfectly learn how in the middle of Istanbul side streets!), and c) my lack of emotion towards men would make Hugo have to work for his love.
I am every man’s chasing dream!
Hugo is up for the pursuit. We will be in touch sometime in the future.
I gave away a signed copy of my erotic stories anthology (my first giveaway ever). You didn’t list it in your post. The way I figure it, you owe me. An interview with Hugo will have to do.
You are correct. That will be remedied in 2013.
🙂 Was only kidding S7 but hey, if you wanna help me reach stardom, who am I to refuse? 😛
If my getting interviewed prevents some other poor bastard from facing Hugo, then this a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before…
Besides, 2013 might have something interesting for me to share; ya never know…
Your name should be put up for sainthood. Hugo accepts your offer.
Pick me. I have Hugo’s legs!!
A-ha! I knew someone had to have them. If we interview you, does Hugo get them back? Please say no.
I’m too cruel to answer that BEFORE the interview 🙂
I’ve never really met anyone famous before, so getting to talk with Hugo will likely get me like 20,000 Twitter followers. So, I’m in. 😀
An interview with Hugo will likely get you something and it will likely be unpleasant. But if you are up for it, so are we.
I will only agree to this if Hugo lurks outside my bedroom window. Or is that skulk?
Hugo is definitely more of a lurker.
Guaranteed six-pack abs in 10 days!
Yes, and it only costs 3 payments of $19.99. Order now.
I forgot to mention that Hugo is largely responsible for the end of my childhood innocence. For true.
My new dog has chewed the lips and eyes off a monkey puppet. It is the creepiest, most revolting thing I’ve ever seen. Do you think Hugo would like to interview my dog? Or maybe just play with her for about two minutes? (That should be enough time, especially if I smear a little liver sausage on him first.)
Hugo would like pictures please.
Hugo obviously must interview me, as I am the inaugural winner of the Unshitty Blog Award. http://stuphblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/08/the-pinnacle-of-blogger-awards/
That is a true accomplishment. I’ve always wanted someone to recognize me for being unshitty, but that has yet to happen. Consider yourself on the list.
I met Helen Hayes. She was the First Lady of the American Theatre. And the little old lady in “Airport.” And “Book-em, Danno’s” mother. And very short.
And I rode in an elevator with Donald Sutherland. And once with some World Wrestling dude with a mullet.
And I almost rode in an elevator with Mark McGwire.
Am I a celebrity, or what?
Yes, but only because of the WWE dude. Hugo is excited to talk in great depth about that.
I deserve to be interviewed like Frosty the Snowman deserves to be saved from global warming for future generations to enjoy.
Plus, my vaggy juice is in a ziplock in the mail. I overnighted it so it won’t get stale on the way.
You’re welcome, Hugo.
Wonderful…um….the DNA part was not necessary, but Hugo really appreciates it.
Anything for Hugo.
Hugo is weird. And intriguing. I have legs and wear pants; I’m not sure he and I would have much to talk about. Maybe we could talk about cats.
A long as Hugo is ok with my love of potty humor, I think we could have a magical interview session. I’ll even draw you a turd, too.
Hm, I probably wouldn’t ever purposefully buy biscotti, but if someone gave me some, I would probably eat it. As long as it was soaked in very hot coffee first. That last part is important.
Don’t have a Magnificent™ reason , but I do have a totally done in rapunzel doll thanks to la 7 year old me that I could fix Hugo up with.
Turdbrickle! I’m ineligible for this contest since I’m your BBFF and Hugo’s concubine.
This morning I was sifting through my WP reader and thought, eh, what’s the point? Then I saw your post. I have a new reason to live now. Thank you, Hugo.
It would be the highlight of my year.
Has Hugo ever wanted to party in Vegas?
I am unworthy of a Hugo interview. What I need is a Hugo intervention.
Y’all can interview me! 🙂 But I didn’t go to the parade so you’ll have to come up with another question…. unless that’s the only question, in which case it sounds like you just interviewed me without even trying. I’m impressed! Oh yes, I think I am worthy of a Hugo interview because (a) our rooms look pretty much identical so we must be soulmates, (b) I once had a pet chicken named Hugo, so obviously destiny has pushed us to this moment, and (c) I squish things if I don’t get my way. No pressure. 🙂
tada! the first response AFTER. the dead/dying/lying. but i did want to mentschun sumthinnk: you know about mr. hankey, rite?