Speaker7 Attempts Some Type of Reader Giveaway Thingy

Some jerk said it is always better to give than receive.

That jerk obviously was never the recipient of a lamp with the Serenity Prayer etched into the glass. I received one of those as a high school graduation present from a boy I dated for two months, and it was not at all awkward.

People do seem to be in the giving mood. Every blog I click on seems to be giving something away to its loyal readership.

The Byronic Man and Jules of Go Jules Go have created a Christmas misery contest where the lucky recipient wins a custom-designed sheet set.

Madame Weebles gave her readers the gift of viewing her face as well as her marvelous middle finger.

Le Clown gave away his magnificent™ facial hair.

I feel I should be giving away something too, but what do have to offer?

My facial hair is paltry although I do have a single hair that grows out of my neck and possesses the wirey resilience of a pube.  Is that something people want?


Okay. I can’t really make anything although I did draw the turd picture for my Turd of the Week™ segment.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

I suppose I could glue this image onto a roll of toilet paper for some lucky reader.


I really have little else. I am getting my tonsils removed in a few days, but Hugo has already staked claim to them for some nefarious purposes.

Hugo…hmmm. People seem to love them some Hugo. I’ve got it!

Okay, I’m pretty famous or I create the illusion of fame by sending myself fan letters. How would you, dear reader, like to appear in this blog space in an interview conducted by me and Hugo?



All you have to do is give a reason why you think you are worthy of a Hugo interview in the comments.


Hugo, no. Please don’t do that. That is completely unnecessary. Just a simple comment is fine. I will attempt to interview everyone who responds, not in the same blog post because that can get kind of lengthy, but over the course of 2013.

Remember, I used to work as a journalist so I’m pretty good. I once was assigned to cover the local Memorial Day parade and I asked such questions like “So…why did you come to the parade?”

Expect that level of professionalism.

Your interview along with a write up and link to your blog will appear on Speaker7 to the delight of the human and puppet world.

Hugo, anything to add?



The deadline to respond is Dec. 17.


  1. OOHHH!!! DO ME! DO ME!

    My Hugo-worthy reason is that I am an author, and I’d let to get the word out about a pet project of mine. Basically, anyone who buys a wristband for my favorite charity gets a free copy of any H.E. Ellis ebook of their choosing. If you’d like to check it out go here:


    Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get Hugo to take a picture wearing one!

    1. That is definitely a worthy cause and one you can promote after you answer a series of bizarre questions thought up by the world’s creepiest half-man puppet.

  2. Um, Is this like the first-caller scenario on the radio? Because if credentials or some kind of achievement is required, I will have to get back to you. Probably under a false name and equally false credentials. (As a side note: Hugo kind of freaks me out — I can’t even look at my biscotti now…)

    1. I’m sorry Hugo has ruined biscotti for you. He has ruined many thing for me…happiness, laughter, joy.
      Don’t worry about achieving anything. It actually makes me feel bad because I achieve so little. All you need to do is state a reason why you should be worthy of Hugo interview. It could be as simple as “Hugo owes me for ruining biscotti forever.”

      1. Haha! I think Hugo should interview me because he looks like my great uncle and I’m suspicious my family isn’t being honest with me about where I came from. Not physiologically, but in terms of heritage.

  3. Oh, how I envy your anonymity. I have an entire portfolio of bowel movement-related drawings I’ve been dying to share.

    Maybe Hugo could coax them out of me. If he does, I’ll tell you whether or not I intended that pun.

  4. To voluntarily subject yourself to the harsh unforgiving glare of a blinding journalistic spotlight, one would truly be viewed as stark raving mad! Much like a hatter!

    Were a certain lamp, with the ability to teach me the difference, tossed into the mix, I may get all chatty and narcissistic for the two of you.


    P.S. Please no pantiless crotch shots of me getting out of a limo, so 2011. Yawn.

    1. Sadly, the lamp has been lost or thrown out because its beauty was too much to handle. I can only offer the fame one gets from appearing on Speaker7, which translates into about 5-6 blog views.

  5. Oooooooohhhhhhh, I’m IN! I’m still waiting for Hugo to tell us which way he prefers to garotte people, but maybe we can discuss this during the interview, over some absinthe.

  6. Oh, whatever you do, please don’t let Hugo interview me. He might find out all about that time I did that thing at that place with that guy, that I’ve never told anyone about and I’ve done my best to never think about and forget, even. Although I’m sure Hugo could lay (tiny) hands on the closed circuit camera footage and hold that over my head. So please don’t let him interview me. Okay? We cool? Good!

    1. Hugo says he “knows everything about everyone” but I think he’s lying since he mostly spends his day watching reality TV. Don’t worry I won’t let him near you or any closed circuit camera footage.

  7. Speaker7,
    I will only accept being interviewed by Hugo if Le Clown’s peen is interviewed. I feel he’s been neglected for too long.
    Le Clown

  8. I’m too scared to be interviewed, but I live with an unfortunate family heirloom who’s had her creepy little plastic eye on Hugo for ages now, and she promised me if I left a comment she’d never ever ask for anything ever again and would possibly even throw herself in the garbage, where she belongs. Here’s hoping…

    1. You will never be unworthy of me, but I can see your hesitancy to expose yourself to the weirdness that is Hugo. I can barely stomach talking to him on most days.

  9. haha! I am looking forward to these interviews. Alas, Hugo doesn’t know me (phew!) But I know of him. So I am going to sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh, and probably get a bit creeped out.

  10. I’ll just enjoy watching it all. I’ll just make sure not to be eating anything because as usual, I’m choking laughing reading your blog.

  11. Why should Hugo interview me? He and I sport the same hairstyle and we’re both men of mystery with an admitted fondness of the generous use of butt plugs. Besides, my 4 loyal followers are eager to learn more about me.

  12. Umm.. I am worthy because it’s my birthday and therefore I am a PRINCESS. That’s irrefutable and we all know it. Also my family are a world away so virtual love has to do…

  13. I will give Hugo quite the great chase because a) I’ve been working out on a treadmill, I’m so much faster now (and his lack of legs helps me be even faster!), b) when I’m not being hit by car I drive quite fast in them and would be able to do epic chase scenes like the recent one from Taken 2 (especially since I too don’t know how to drive stick and would perfectly learn how in the middle of Istanbul side streets!), and c) my lack of emotion towards men would make Hugo have to work for his love.

    I am every man’s chasing dream!

  14. I gave away a signed copy of my erotic stories anthology (my first giveaway ever). You didn’t list it in your post. The way I figure it, you owe me. An interview with Hugo will have to do.

  15. If my getting interviewed prevents some other poor bastard from facing Hugo, then this a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before…

    Besides, 2013 might have something interesting for me to share; ya never know…

  16. My new dog has chewed the lips and eyes off a monkey puppet. It is the creepiest, most revolting thing I’ve ever seen. Do you think Hugo would like to interview my dog? Or maybe just play with her for about two minutes? (That should be enough time, especially if I smear a little liver sausage on him first.)

    1. That is a true accomplishment. I’ve always wanted someone to recognize me for being unshitty, but that has yet to happen. Consider yourself on the list.

  17. I met Helen Hayes. She was the First Lady of the American Theatre. And the little old lady in “Airport.” And “Book-em, Danno’s” mother. And very short.
    And I rode in an elevator with Donald Sutherland. And once with some World Wrestling dude with a mullet.
    And I almost rode in an elevator with Mark McGwire.
    Am I a celebrity, or what?

  18. I deserve to be interviewed like Frosty the Snowman deserves to be saved from global warming for future generations to enjoy.
    Plus, my vaggy juice is in a ziplock in the mail. I overnighted it so it won’t get stale on the way.
    You’re welcome, Hugo.

  19. Hm, I probably wouldn’t ever purposefully buy biscotti, but if someone gave me some, I would probably eat it. As long as it was soaked in very hot coffee first. That last part is important.

  20. Y’all can interview me! 🙂 But I didn’t go to the parade so you’ll have to come up with another question…. unless that’s the only question, in which case it sounds like you just interviewed me without even trying. I’m impressed! Oh yes, I think I am worthy of a Hugo interview because (a) our rooms look pretty much identical so we must be soulmates, (b) I once had a pet chicken named Hugo, so obviously destiny has pushed us to this moment, and (c) I squish things if I don’t get my way. No pressure. 🙂

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