So a lot of shit has been happening. . . not monumental shits, but those little rabbit pellets that make going number 2 so uncomfortable and unsatisfying.
First off, my son has been sick since Saturday. He is very tired in the morning so I end up rocking him to sleep instead of catching up on my blog reading and posting comments like “Balls!” Today I even watched the Today show, which exposed me to this:
Judging from the first 2 seconds, I think I won’t like it.
Second off, my son has been throwing up onto his sheets. We’re moving so extra sheets are packed away. This is problematic.
Third off, we’re moving! When? Three days after my tonsillectomy surgery.
Fourth off, I’m getting my tonsils out. When? Next Monday. I will pack them in one of the moving boxes.
Fifth off, my gall bladder is rivaling my tonsils for my attention. It has “sludge”– whatever that is–and is basically performing like Britney Spears did at the Video Music Awards in 2007, meaning its slowing down my digestion much like Britney sleepwalked through her performance of a forgettable song. It will likely have to come out. My doctor said I should try to find an ENT with an extra long knife who can take out both my tonsils and gall bladder so I punched him in his gall bladder. I get to be injected with a radioactive dye that might possibly give me superpowers. Or not.
So rabbit-pellet shitballs.
But will this stop me from celebrating Take It In The Ear Day on Saturday?
Fuck no. Even with all the chaos, boxes, vomit, bad hairpieces, sludge and tonsil stones, I have still manage to cobble an assortment of objects I plan to take in my ear.
Here is a small sampling:
- a green bean
- Hugo’s finger
- a corkscrew
- a waffle iron
- a pair of stirrup pants
- John Travolta and Olivia Newton John’s Christmas album
What is Take It In The Ear Day?
Even Hallmark doesn’t know.
Hallmark’s ignorance has not prevented it from crafting exquisite Take It In The Ear cards.
What will you take in your ear this Saturday?
Right or left? You are hilarious!
And damn those tonsils and gall bladders and hallmark!
I think it sounds like you should be taking a Hallmark card in the ear.
Why, why, why, why did you post that video?? I can never watch ‘Grease’ again and enjoy it!! John, who is doing your hair?? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????
Oh, I’ll be taking a, um, let me think here–an acorn. I’ve enough of them lying about.
I just watched it. Why? Why???
I know, right?
It made me long for the commercial prior to the beginning of the video.
Me, too. *sobbing*
The hair is strange enough, but what is happening on John’s chin? That is the mystery. What makes it even more troubling is that gdamn song has been in my head all day. I blame my shitty tonsils.
I second that concern and that blame. I’m sorry you’re sickly, and, send you virtual chicken soup.
The sound of Eminem singing(?) from my daughters bedroom. Followed by a Q-tip to clean out the smut.
That is a proper celebration right there.
Good luck to you with all this going on. You still manage to be funny as the shits!
Thanks. The comedy helps mask the trauma.
White people shouldn’t be allowed to make videos like this.
No one. No person.
No inanimate objects either.
The little shits can wear a person down, fur real. Keep you chin up, or whatever it is they say.
I’m going to keep my chin, tonsils and gall bladder up.
Oh yes, I am sorry about your son being sick and your tonsils and gall bladder and moving and everything else. My kids are grown and gone and no longer require that I clean their butts or their shit or their noses or any other part of their anatomy. My tonsils were removed in 1954. My gall bladder, whatever that is, is fine. I am not moving. MY CURRENT POST IS FRESHLY PRESSED. I have just won the Pulitizer. Best of all, I am not riding in that stupid car with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. So I feel really bad for you and really good for me.
As you read this comment, imagine me leaping off a plane with my chin pubes and spray-on hair singing “I think I might like it!” because that represents the joy your comments bring in my life.
Don’t you love it when all of your bodily systems rebel at once? It’s like they send messages to each other. Okay, lungs you did a great fail there, now stomach and bowels, please go in reverse. Thank you. Now then, let’s cause an allergic reaction all over her body. GREAT! Also, it’s so funny when people can joke about your various physical ailments like that. Maybe you could have the doctor take it in the ear with a scalpel. That is the best new holiday ever.
I don’t think my body likes me very much.
Oh, I imagine I’ll take in my ear this Saturday, like I do damn near every other day, all the whining a bullshit that comes out of my children’s mouths.
Hear! Hear! See–that was very punny.
Indeed.
Oh man! I’m so sorry to hear of all the sicknesses. Glad you are finally getting those darn tonsils out! Can’t wait to hear how that goes. And then the gallbladder. Good luck with everything.
As for what I’ll put in my ear…..hmmmmm….a tiny gold vaginal ball?
Aw…that is so sweet! Would you be upset if I start my own Take It In the Ear Day vaginal balls with a Fifty Shades theme? The Fifty Shades part will be that the balls will be covered in excrement.
I’m not gonna lie, that sounds awful. So awful that I think I’m having sympathy pains for you… Or it could just be my body’s reaction to watching just over 5 seconds of John Travolta singing in that airplane. Either way, feel better! (You should try to sell your tonsils on E-Bay, and then humblebrag about how you sold your tonsils on E-Bay).
Oh, I bet I’ll get nothing for my tonsils on eBay. It won’t be like that time I offered to sell the Christmas album I made of my duets with John Travolta’s hairpiece. That went for $50. #humblebraggery
I’m no doctor, but is there any chance that there’s a correlation between the video and your vomiting offspring? Just putting a bug in your ear.
I amaze myself, some days.
Also, I feel the need to do a plethora of good, smart deeds to counteract the global effects of that video. Like carbon footprint offsets, but for dumb-making drivel.
That video makes me wish I lived in neanderthal time. Your plan is a wise one. I might go buy some local musician’s CD now.
I just took it in the fucking ear, thanks to that video – and now you’ve ruined Saturday – because my ears have sealed themselves over after hearing that awfulness and are refusing to open again. So screw your tonsils, and your gall bladder – may your oesophagus decided to play pinball with your entrails and flip your gall-bladder onto your tonsil-bumpers and down again through your sphincter till it pops out like a greasy little rabbit-pellet poop!!
With love
Panda
Fierce Panda,
You spelled oesophagus wrong. Even my spell-check says so. If you’re going to wax all British on us, at least admit that you are one, Limey twat. How’d your trouble and strife enjoy last night? Did she call my name?
Kisses,
U/CL
Shut-it spleen breath. That’s the brit way to spell it (google it!)
You could have pointed out that I put decided instead of decides!
But your a girl and so your rubbish!! Bet your bum smells of goats…
She did call your name. Matter of fact I printed a photo off your face book and stapled it to her head – she said it was the best ever!
(Help me, I’m getting carried away!)
I don’t have FB, mate. Not after you posted pictures if your skidmarked skivvies and then put a picture of my face in there. If my bum smells like goats it’s because I made you kiss my arse so much during the last two days. And I believe the phrase you were looking for is ‘you’re rubbish’ not ‘your rubbish.’ But since your spelling is rubbish and you are, therefore, wasting your time as a writer, it is probably a good time to tell you that you are the love child of your mum and her dad. Cheers, love. 😉
You’ve been fantasising about me again haven’t you!
The only reason I’d kiss your arse is coz your face is so ugly.
I believe you meant ‘of’ not ‘if’ – which makes it clear that you have no hopes as a writers either.
And there’s no way I’m the love-child of my mum and Grandad – he’d never have slept with me if I was!😈
Gross, on so many levels. I can’t help what my phone writes for me, mate. Didn’t you read WTF Friday: Volume 2? Well played, Fierce Panda. Well played.
Panda,
Do you write for Hallmark? Because if you don’t, you should.
Taking it in the ear,
Speaker7
I nominated you for an award!
I also figured out that you’re god in my “acceptance post”, so you might want to read it …😀
How did you know??
And OMG I just had the time to let that video run…couldn’t take it. Every time I see John Travolta I think: Scientology! Gay! (like literally)
I think “chin pubes”
Oh jeez…I guess problems don’t like to travel alone. Good luck to you!
That’s why there’s that saying: When it rains, it’s a shitstorm.
You are super busy, with no small amount of 20 things to do. Still, your funnies have not slowed down one bit.
That video has been seared into my retinas and now I am wondering how bad my hair looks today.
Your hair will always look amazing in comparison to John Travolta’s felt head.
I feel like I have a luxurious mane after reading your comments.
I feel bad that you have to go through all that crap. It sucks, even with a great sense of humor like yours. But I must thank you for posting that video. I’ve been meaning to watch it based on other bloggers’ trash talk…er, I mean…recommendations. Wow. It just has a little bit of everything, doesn’t it? Matching clothes, people trying to hold onto their youth, bright red lipstick, dancing guards, has-beens, dancing grandparents, teenagers who want to be anywhere else but in a loser video, bad two-stepping… Oh, shucks, I could go on and on.
Thank you. I needed that.
I imagine that John Travolta, maybe not Oliva Newton John so much, but Travolta has people, right? People to say “Um…John, this video is the visual equivalent of a fart.”
Haha. One would think.
I thought the video was going to be a heartwarming soldier coming home video and then panicked when I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop. What the hell? 1978 called and they don’t want you back. Nice soul patch John. I’m taking my Grease dvd in my ear tomorrow.
I think that’s appropriate.
Holy pellets you poor thing. I’m glad you’re packing the tonsils, though, because we have big plans for them. Also I want to put them in my ear.
Your comment has made a single tear drip from my eyeball. I am moved almost as moved as if I was John Travolta, leaping all felt-haired like from an airplane.
I took it in the ear when I watched that ghastly video here at work on my headphones because my colleagues are people I care about personally. How much work was made to the images to make those two look like that in this stage of their decline?! Permit me to be blunt here, he’s a fat, bald, queen and she’s what? 114? As entertaining as I found this gem of a post, good God woman, what a shitstorm is going on in your world! If it’s not the tonsils, it’s the gall bladder, if it’s not your kid puking into his sheets, it’s packing to move 72 hours after you can your tonsils. Hopefully, you’ll get through all your upcoming hells okay and with your last shred of sanity you’ll keep us updated on your recoveries. I truly wish you well buddy.
Your description of John Travolta and Olivia Newton John is the stuff of magic. I watched it and felt all of that, but was not able to articulate it. And you did. For that I thank you.
It’s the least I can do for you these days!
That sounds… pretty awful. Funny you should mention it though because there is a newer surgery where surgeons have successfully removed the gallbladder endoscopically by going down the throat. Hope you feel better and recover quickly!
Is that for reals? I would love to get it all done at once along with a butt enhancement and a thigh lift.
Sick kids suck. I feel for you.
I plan on being high on Nyquil as I throw a belated birthday party for my son (19) and daughter (3) (don’t ask) tomorrow, so I will likely take everything in my ear and not even notice. Or care. Confession: I did not watch the video. I read some of the comments first and thought I’d pass on exacerbating my current nyquil hangover.
Damn. You have one helluva week ahead of you. I wish you the best.
You made a smart move both on the non watching of the video and the Nyquil consumption.
I do not like Grease. I do not like John Travolta (though he is still pretty hawt). I barely have any idea who Olivia Newton John is but I am glad for the 2 seconds I watched her that she was not wearing a leotard and headband. I hate you for posting that video. I turned it off after 20 seconds when I realized there was no chance this was going to get any better. I am sorry about your tonsils, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Count your blessings that you are not puking, too, because the last time I had the clean my son’s sheets because he was sick, I happened to be sick too, but mom’s don’t get f*cking sick days, do they? NO they f*cking don’t, and you probably (obviously with a move) will not get one either. I hope what your doctor takes in the ear is pleasant given that you are his Monday morning. (You might consider postponing to a Wednesday.) Tomorrow I will probably take some bitching in my ear, right along with a few shots of some spirits. I will be giving my husband a ladder in his ear if he doesn’t put up the goddamned Christmas lights tomorrow.
This comment made my fucking week. Thank you for the laugh!
The only thing I want in my ear is the soft whisperings of David Hasselhoff
Whilst eating a hamburger of course.
Wow, Colonic Tonic. I just vomited in my own mouth. Put *that* in your ear.
Wow, your week sounds so…um, so… great!
Sorry everything’s going wrong at the same time! And hopefully the tonsillectomy won’t be too bad! *fingers crossed!*
But don’t make yourself listen to any more John Travolta or Olivia Newton John, that’s just masochistic…
And as much as I want to stick things in my ear, my doctor keeps telling me I need to stop doing that…
Your doctor does not understand the strong traditions of Take It In the Ear Day. Wait…what the hell is that holiday?
Thanks for the nightmares – seriously – what was that on his head. It’s scaring me.
Whatever it is, I think it’s controlling his decision making and that’s how this awfulness came into being.
I just hope it’s not catching.
Olivia Newton John is so unfortunate. I will be taking this in the ear:
http://www.amazon.com/Fifty-Shades-Grey-Classical-Album/dp/B008PZ69T8
*primal scream*
I wish I had known it was Take It in the Ear Day tomorrow. I took it in the ear today. Dammit.
You don’t have to wait for the holiday to take something in your ear. The day is set aside to give thanks for all the wonderful things we have taken in our ears.
Wow…you have a lot on your plate right now S7. I’ll take it in the ear, just for you.
That is especially kind.
Kind is my middle name. Actually, it’s wicked.
Good god, you poor, poor woman! Wishing you well while you slog through the shitstorm the next few weeks.
I couldn’t get past 30 seconds of that video and I tried, I really did.
So you missed the part when Xenu comes in his spaceship and declares this song the end of civilization.
7, I feel for you as you face the trials and tribulations ahead of you this week and next, but really, did you HAVE to drag us all down to suffer with you with that video? It was like a train wreck! I couldn’t look away! I was expecting something about soldiers, and got … THAT. I need my codeine now to stop the pain.
Seriously, though, I hope you sail through the tonsillectomy come Monday, and the best of luck on the move. I’m sure you won’t have to wait so long to get the gall bladder taken care of, and even the sickest boy will get better, eventually. This might be the perfect time to teach him how to use the washer, just sayin’. You take care, and thank you for reminding us all that our lives could be so much worse – we could have to watch that video again!
Misery loves company.
I think we all took it in the ear with that video. Some things you just can’t un-hear.
Well, you get the award for the most pre-holiday stress possible. I am also moving next week and I know of at least two other bloggers that are. Personally I think we all drank some kind of toxic, hallucinogenic koolaide. Who moves this time of year!?! But you Speaker7, packing, cleaning puke, watching whatever that was videos, tonsillectomy, gall bladder, you I think are the Queen of taking it in the ear. I am not worthy.
This time of year already blows so why not do one of the most stressful things on top of that, right?
goddermn it, i love you and your blog. i hope you and the 7th son, which is what i’ve taken to calling your boy, feel better. xoxox, sm
Thanks sm. The 7th son’s illness is the main cause of my stress. I can take a bum gall bladder and shitastic tonsils and a monumental move during the shittiest holiday over that.
Take your gall bladder and shove it in your doctor’s ear. Or maybe Olivia Newton John’s.
Good luck with the surgery and the move. The only things I will admit to taking in my ear are loud noises and Q-tips. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for a lot of events that deserve cards. Everything says “get well soon” and “happy holidays” when it should say “Hope you survive…” for pretty much everything. Survival cards, that’s what they should start making.
All I know is I won’t be taking anything by John or Olivia in my ear.
There, don’t you feel better now?
I read this in my hotel last week but never commented! Dammit, I missed the whole thing and the universe will surely suffer without the 1987 banana hair barrette I had every intention to stick in my ear. I guess I’ll just throw it back in my hair then.
I go away for a couple of days and they tear apart your body and you are stuck listening to pub-chinny John Revolta, Olivia Newton Mellow.
Damn, I thought I only blinked.
I know you moved and you survived. Hope it wasn’t too horrible. Or if it was, I hope you get some good stories out of it.