It’s over.
Thank jolly rancher, it is the last day of November and my final day of writing a daily post. I feel like I should celebrate.
Oh right. First I’ve got to write this goddamned post.
A few days ago, I sought out your help. I asked you to vote on a series of post ideas, and you obliged me by mostly voting to allow me to rerun a post from my seedy past.
I felt as a thank you, I would write mini-versions of all the other post ideas. The mini-versions will be performed by my favorite troup of stock photo models.
Pecan Sandies – Who the Fuck Eats These? (received 2 votes, one from my mother)
You survive and yet Twinkie is dead. Seriously these cookies are disgusting. They taste like sand. I’d actually rather eat pecans covered in sand than these.
People magazine’s Top 10 Stories of 2012 even though there’s more than a month left (3 votes)
To be fair, the top 10 stories were pretty awesome.
Full disclosure: I did not know many of the “celebrities” that did these top things. I did recognize Jessica Simpson. She had a baby. Top story #6.
My Best Spam Emails (13 votes)
Most of my wordpress spam are spambots remarking on how much they’ve learned from reading my website and like studying my articles, but sometimes these spambots can be downright hurtful.
Gigantic Greeting Cards (2 votes)
This is actually a thing.
Other (7 votes)
My bad habits from A to J – suggested by Wendy of Wendy’s Works.
Significant Udders – suggested by Adam S. of My Right to Bitch.
A book review of the The Secret – suggested by Angie Z. of Childhood Relived
And finally what happened to speakers 1 through 6 – suggested by both Laura of Unlikely Explanations and Jo Eberhardt
Speaker7,
I like how you also included mine: The Great Plains of Nothingness and Absenteeism , by Le Clown.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Your presence is in the duck face that last guy is making.
Speaker7
There is an uncanny resemblance.
You did it!!!!!! I am impressed not only that you were able to pull it off but that all 30 posts were really funny. How did you do that?
Thanks, Elyse. I have to give some of the credit to Hugo. Those Hugo posts kinda write themselves.
I’m thinking Hugo needs his own blog now. He could be the wordpress darling, up there on Freshly Pressed every day!
That’s exactly what Hugo wants, but I must protect the planet.
I say, unleash him onto the world! get him his own reality show.
Wait a hot minute — I think I like “What happened to Speakers 1-6” better than the cow titties one
Seriously? You didn’t like that B.J. Novak look-alike stock photo guy’s phone conversation with his mom? I punned my ass off right there. That is some punny stuff. See! I did it again. Comedy gold.
What the — I looked at this first thing this morning, and all of the photos were little squares with X’s in them. I take it back, I like Significant Udders the best behind Bad Habits A-J. Go brush your teeth. I can smell your egg beaters through the screen. Fucking brilliant as always!
You should be thankful you smell just that and not my F bad habit.
Pecan Sandies! My mother loved them. I never got it, but had no clue others felt the same way. Oddly, that comforts me. Whew! That was a ramble and a half, wasn’t it? Yeah, leaving now.
I enjoy bonding over mutual hatred of Pecan Sandies. You can ramble about them for 3,000 characters if you’d like.
My mother in law loved them. Would beat children with her cane if they tried to touch the disgusting morsels. {{{Shudder}}}
Did you notice that the old lady in the Giant Greeting Card picture is holding the card the wrong way? No wonder they’re putting her in a home 🙂
LOL at “Farting too wetly”!
I am going to miss my daily dose of Speaker 7 😦 But I do realize the time suck that is posting everyday. (I only did it once!)
Yes, it feels good knowing I can exist today without thinking “What the frackballs am I going to write about tonight?” This means more time devoted to watching shitty Lifetime Movies, and everyone benefits from that.
I’m going to review one of those crap movies one of these days. I’m stupid enough to watch them, I should get something from it.
It is a sad day in BlogHoodLand, where we no longer will have Speaker7 to read, bringing on the first chortle of the day. Yes, I said chortle. Yes, I use that word in actual speeches. Live with it, my kids do. Well done on your month of blogging–admit it, it was more fun than writing some novel.
Or not.
Yes, this was definitely better than writing a novel because a novel has to connect and make sense. I can’t have one chapter be Santa Claus sucks and then the next chapter on Hugo dating. And that’s what my novel would be. I’m just going to write chortle here because that word is chortlely awesome.
I know… I love to write that word as much as I love to say it aloud!
You should totally keep posting every day-ish. After all, nothing can be worse than 50 shades. 🙂
But what if there is something worse than Fifty Shades? I thought Twilight was a sparkly shitheap and now it seems kinda okay in comparison to Fifty Shades. What if there is something out there that will make me think “you know Fifty Shades is pretty decent compared to….” These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. That–and my tiny bladder.
The thought that something could make 50 shades seem decent is appalling. Appalling I say!
You want something worse than 50 SHADES? Ask, and ye shall receive…
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr-esq/fifty-shades-grey-porn-adaptation-395478
Is it too late to cast my vote for who the fuck eats Pecan Sandies?
It is never too late.
Congratulations on completing the challenge and doing it with such flair! I could get used to reading a funny post by you every day. Actually, I already am used to it, so please don’t stop.
Thanks Sandy, but at some point my daily posts would become painfully unfunny because I can only sustain this so long, and that would put you in awkward position of ignoring my daily post and then I would call you and be like “What did you think of my post today about placemats?” and you would have to lie and say “Oh….yes…..that was…um….funny. My kitchen’s on fire, I’ve got to go!”
Those are some fly stock models. I enjoyed all of these mini posts but I liked your take on pecan sandies and Jessica Simpson the best.
If there was only way to combine Jessica Simpson and pecan sandies? Maybe a new Jessica-inspired signature scent called Pecan Simpsies.
I don’t want to think about what it would really smell like.
Probably like Joe Simpson
To quote the incomparable Pauly D from “Jersey Shore, “Yeaaaaaaa buddy!!!” You did it! A post every day for a month.
I’m going to celebrate with pecan sandies. C’mon. They’re not that bad.
Your praise is far more meaningful in that you quoted the erudite Pauly D. I’m going to celebrate by powering my brain off.
A millionaire had a baby????
Holy shit is that true?!?! Oh, right I wrote about that. You were posting this while I was commenting on your blog. It’s like we’re psychically connected. I’m on the horn to Dionne Warwick right now.
Tell her to do “Do you Know the Way to San Jose?”!!
Hahah I loved the gigantic greeting card quote you made. These were awesome! Congratulations. Now I have to think of my last post. Damn.
You can always do ginormous greeting cards.
YABAFS7P! (Yet Another Brilliant And Funny Speaker7 Post) Thank you, thank you, Speaker7, for spreading some much-needed hilarity in this overly-serious world. I will miss your daily posts, and wait eagerly to read the next (non-daily) ones.
I think you might have a career in acronym making.
Can you still write about People’s top 10 stories of the year? I don’t want to be bothered having to do it myself, and I’m sure your version would be much more eloquent and comical.
I’m hoping that you would find it extremely informative because it’s, like, news and stuff. It’s, like, the top stuff from, like, the year.
Oh. My. Gawd. Really? The whole year?
Like, yeah. And stuff.
The name Mortimer is fucking hilarious.
I’m really tired this morning….
I think it’s a pretty good name for a stock photo guy. And no one else.
You must follow up some time on Hugo’s dating, once you’ve rested from the post-a-day nightmare. And Goofy. Why does no one ask about Goofy? I’m telling you, there’s a shallow grave in your backyard somewhere with a blue bunny paw sticking out and Hugo’s prints all over it.
Goofy’s fine. I just asked Hugo. He said she’s in one of the moving bins. Why would Hugo lie to me?
Congratulations! I knew you could do it.
I must say, though, I am really intrigued as to what happened to Speaker 1 – 6. I have always wondered this and more than a little ticked off that I never thought to ask.
I think the picture does a good job clearing up the mystery. The other speakers are in whatever that thing is he’s holding.
Someone once sent me a card so big it cost them $5 to send it. I think he wanted to have sex or something, but it didn’t work.
Congrats again on getting through it! You deserve a million dollars, or a day off. Whatever.
I’m surprised that didn’t work because who doesn’t love gigantic cards? They’re not at all cumbersome and they’re easy to store. Congrats to you as well. I would like to give you a giant million dollar bill.
Yay Speaker7, 30 funny posts in 30 days-well done! And I think you wrote somewhere that you started your blog last November? If so, Happy Anniversary!!! (If not, Happy NoMoDailyPo!!!)
Thank you. I started my blog Aug. 2011. It will soon be a national holiday like Stick it in the Ear Day. Don’t forget to stock up for your celebration on Dec. 8.
Wow, you published a post every day this month and I didn’t write a single one. What stamina, what fortitude, what masochism. Even when I’m not on hiatus, I don’t think I’ve ever published more than 13 Lame Adventures in a single month and that was years ago. If someone pointed a gun at my head and ordered, “Write a Lame Adventure every day for a month or eat a Pecan Sandy every day,” I’d learn to love Pecan Sandies so fast you’d think I was a Keebler elf … the one clad in black with choice accessories in leather.
I probably won’t do this again. . . unless someone pointed a gun at my head and gave me that pecan sandy choice. I couldn’t do the pecan sandy even in a Keebler gimp outfit.
You did it! I’ve really enjoyed your laugh-out-loud posts, Speaker7. I look forward to reading more after your well-deserved hiatus!
Thanks so much. I hope someone posts something ridiculous on Facebook soon so I’ll have something to write about.
LOL Well you did it! I don’t think I could do it! Your comment about writing this post made me laugh out loud. 🙂
Thanks. I think this last one may have been the hardest to write.
Congrats on finishing! And do we get to see the blast from the past??
The blast from Speaker past was the Santa Claus=dick post. I might resurrect another one during my tonsil surgery recovery.
Apparently your mother hates you since she voted for the Pecan Sandies post. Congrats on finishing, by the way! 🙂
I know. Or else she really loves pecan sandies more.
I carry Pecan Sandies in my emergency kit in my car. If I get stuck in the snow you can put them under your tires for traction. If someone tries to carjack you you can throw them in their face – as effective as throwing rocks. If you are starving in the Andes with a soccer team, you may have to eat them.
You have made me see pecan sandies in a new light.
Pecan Sandies are right up there with Dirt Nuggets and Cashew Turds when it comes to marketing names for mediocre, dry cookies.
For some reason I believe those are the real name of cookies.
You cracked me up for 30 days in a row S7. Well done. 🙂
Thank you Wendy for the great post suggestions. I may have to rely on them again when I decide to write another blog post.
No problem. You can pick my brain anytime. 🙂
Stock photos are great for humorous purposes. Some guy once commented on my blog, mocking my use of stock photos. Apparently he didn’t think that my blog (which features a Paint-edited picture of a fire breathing kitten, mind you) was professional enough.
I love your gravatar. In fact, it makes me wish I had a fire-breathing cat.
Congrats on finishing up,Speaker. It was a good run, and I especially liked the Santa Claus and Breaking Dawn posts; thanks to you I can’t watch THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT’S WOMAN without cracking a smile…
So how’d you deal with the whole “God-I-need-SLEEP” issue by Week 3…?
Sleep has always been something I need so that’s just a constant hum in my head, what was difficult was finding topics to write about, and that’s how one ends up with stock photo models discussing pecan sandies.
I am super curious about these pecan sandies now. We don’t get them in South Africa (as far as I know). One day when I get to the states again I will seek them out :-).
All you really have to do is chop up some pecans and mix them with a scoop of sand, pour in a little glue so it sets, and viola! pecan sandie.
Sounds revolting…maybe it is supposed to be an indigestant cure…you know, like the little mini sand balls assisting the process in your stomach?
Congrats. In all seriousness, it is no easy feat to blog everyday for an entire month and to have them as funny and relevant as yours. Well done.
Thanks. I may need to take this next month to recuperate and enjoy all the crap I purchased from my LTD commodities catalog.
Congrats and kudos to you. I could never, ever manage to pull that off like you did.
You just need your own Hugo puppet.
You are the only one who could make me not hate stock photos.
I feel like our relationship has been taken to another level then.
Congrats on completing your gargantuan post-a-day challenge. I’m gonna miss not seeing a daily Speaker7 post. How can I eat my breakfast without it??
As for Top Stories of the Year articles. I hate those. They weren’t that interesting first time round, do we really have to hear about them again?
But that millionaire dated that person and then didn’t and then did again. That was AMAZING!!
I can’t believe you made it! I would’ve fallen flat by November 12th. I’m in awe of what you were able to accomplish — in a month (Freshly Pressed) and even in this single blog post (Jessica Simpson, anal leakage).
RE: The Secret. I’m going to go to sleep tonight thinking of how I wish I was the inventor of the gigantic greeting card and see where that gets me.
Angie – that is a topnotch plan. I seriously think it will work because I went to sleep last night wishing you went to sleep wishing you invented gigantic greeting cards.
excelente blog