Another Black Friday has come and gone.
Maybe you weren’t able to pummel someone in the face to get your hands on a $4.99 version of this:
Does it make sense that the model is not wearing her hair in a ponytail?
And for that I’m truly sorry.
But there still are some great deals to be had. And they’re all conveniently located in one spot: The LTD Commodities catalog!
Recently I received mine in the mail, and picked out my favorites, which I cut out and mailed ransom-note-style to Santa. I made it quite clear if I don’t receive these items, I will cut his bowl-full-of-jelly belly.
But I wasn’t just thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, and I wanted to share my knowledge to help you find the perfect present for that acquaintance you got stuck with in the secret santa drawing or a “loved” one.
What do you get for the man in your life or total stranger coworker who enjoys sitting on a tree stump to drink his coffee, but thinks outerwear is too cumbersome?
Men’s Performance Thermal Sets.
Maybe the man in your life or total stranger coworker is more of an indoorsy sort.
Have you ever witnessed a loved one or random coworker bite into an egg sandwich and just get the bread. And the loved one or random coworker was like “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”
Well, life just got better for this person. I give you…The Microegg™:
Maybe your loved one or random coworker likes to hunt, but does poorly because he covers his shaving accidents with Dora the Explorer band-aids.
This person desperately needs these:
Maybe your loved one or random coworker is more of a brainiac type who enjoys puzzles and boring you with facts about Star Trek convention hook-ups.
Then The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions is the ultimate gift of ultimateness.
Maybe your loved or random coworker is a girl and finds tools all icky and hurty-like because “ow…my manicure.”
Then there’s this:
Maybe your loved one or random coworker is football fan, but not just a normal fan–one who borders on obsessive. Like when his team plays, he doesn’t just paint his face, he paints his balls in his team colors, and you know this and you die a little every day.
Then get this person this:
Maybe your loved one or random coworker is filled with pep and zing, always cheering your minor accomplishments like your ability to do a number 2 in the workplace.
Get back at this person with this:
Yup. You might know someone who would actually put this in his house and that’s okay because someone has to, I guess.
The boot lamp.
Maybe your loved one or coworker is really stressed out and stressed for time so this is the perfect combo gift:
Or maybe your loved one or random coworker is someone you don’t know very well so you just go ahead and get something Christmas-related because what the fuck else are you going to buy.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wrote this post in the dim light of her cowboy boot lamp.
Speaker7 
*choking with laughter*
*am supposed to be working*
Knowing how to read and comprehend complex texts like the LTD commodities catalog is a helpful skill for any job.
I do so want to warm my husband’s chestnuts. Thank you so much for the suggestion. Does the log come with the underwear?
I don’t believe it does. I think you’re required to chop down your own tree, but at least your husband will be warm while you do so.
“Does the log come with the underwear?”
Depends on the guy wearing the underwear.
Bam chicka bam bam.
I feel kinda bad stepping on what should have been your line. Don’t hate me, OK?
How can I hate when you came up with the perfect comeback. I only have love. It makes me want to sit on a tree stump in my thermal unitard and applaud.
OK. I will need to pay better attention!
nice. Well done, Pegolego!
That boot lamp..must have it…
I find it difficult to choose between the ridin’ cowboy and the American flag. That’s why I ordered 50 of each.
You can never have enough ridin’ cowboys, for sure. Smart thinking.
When you get to be as old as I am, you will start getting the “truss catalogues” which feature, among other things, a dazzling array of the aforementioned hernia support devices, as well as incontinence products for every need and marital aids for the mature set. And no. I am not making this up.
Please tell me the trusses have American flags on them or the marital aids include spirit fingers.
OK, I’ll bite. What are spirit fingers?
They’re gloves that have a pom-pom on each finger.
I’m finding it hard to imagine these as marital aids, unless of course, they are to be used to put on an erotic shadow show of some sort.
Oh Holy Hugo. I am EXTREMELY tempted to do all of my Christmas shopping by purchasing ONLY items listed in this post. Do I get a discount if I buy the bacon pajama pants in bulk?
Are you thinking of a new giveaway?
Laugh all you want, but my small investment in TardCo’s “Inflatable Dartboard” is set to explode.
I want 10 of them.
Speaker7,
You know, these are all great. But. They do nothing for my one-ab. All of these super tight spandex jerseys just press on my magnificent™ one-ab. I need something that will allow my belly to float freely, not feeling the pressure of social stigma. Please help me find something that my one-ab can be proud of…
Le Clown
I think the bacon-peen pants are just the thing to accentuate the one-ab.
My random coworker, whom I do not know very well,will be so happy I got inspired by you! Out with the homemade biscuits, chocolates and nut-rolls (I assumed everybody likes sweets) and in with the pink tool set. “Pink Tool” is also a great nickname…
Make sure you explain what the tools are. Even though it’s pink and looks inedible, she may try to eat them because of being a girl and tee-hee and math is hard.
I should hope the lady tools are extra light because of ladies’ kitten-weak arms. And the pink is, indeed, important, to keep women from picking up a tool and turning insta-lesbian. It’s a scientific fact I got from Todd Akin’s website.
You get all your science from Todd Akin too? That’s great. Unfortunately, he’s leaving so I’ll have to get my science fix somewhere else…maybe Pat Robertson’s 700 club?
I love this so much and only wish you had seen the awesome ad I spotted in the airline catalog (and immediately thought of you) for a big plastic neck device that allows you to sleep sitting up! (And for $5 you can get a scarf that wraps around the huge apparatus so …nobody will know that something is holding up your chin!) I loved the bean pants. Wow … so many gifts, so little taste!!!
That big plastic neck device sounds like just the thing I should be wearing in my Christmas card picture. I’m on the hunt.
I will not admit that I have a pink tool belt that will fit those pink tools really well. No, I won’t. You can’t make me.
Just make sure to only lift one tool at a time and you will hurt your girl muscles, which have the consistency of cotton candy.
Thank you for solving the problem of what to get my college freshman niece — Collegiate Spirit Fingerz. I’m sure that will enhance her popularity.
Those spirit fingerz almost make me want to enroll back into college.
I love that catalog. It is the best catalog EVER. (If you are looking for ridiculous random items or toxic toys not available in the US— you know, because of the lead content!) Are you supposed to use both of those massagers at the same time? I would think that would exacerbate whatever ache you were trying to rid yourself of.
I think the idea is you massage with one while whipping up a souffle with the other.
I literally stared at the ponytail hat image in my reader for, not kidding you, a whole minute out of my life because the girl didn’t have a ponytail that I could see. Unless there is some new style of full ringlets in the front with all the back pulled up. Either way I was relieved when I clicked your post to see that you noticed it, too. Well you noticed it before me, but I would be lying if I said I was anything less than confused.
It’s like when Ambercrombie and Fitch have those models with not a stitch on to advertise . . . clothing. So confused.
I know! I can understand Calvin Klein as that man loves nudity and underwear and perfumes/colognes you cannot see with the naked eye. But Aber&Fitch? It’s all about sex sex sex. Who needs clothes when girls, boys and gays alike will flock like birds into the store for the sex appeal alone?
Laughed so much at that hairstyle comment. Maybe that’s what girls with collegiate spirits wear?
I think you’re onto something there connecting those dots! I can see it.
Those are Christian Grey’s pajama bottoms, right? Do they have an easy open crotch so that his peen can go SPROING? Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve actually seen someone wear those stupid gloves. It’s like having little heads on the ends of your fingers. Delightful.
The bacon-peen pants are too weak to handle the mighty Grey schlong. He needs something made out of armor.
Those first two almost had me rethinking my long john collection. Excuse me while I go do ALL of my Christmas shopping in one sitting.
See, LTD makes Christmas shopping so easy and so beautiful.
Oh my gosh, this is wonderful!
I’m imagining you were staring at the cowboy lamp when you wrote this comment.
Ooohh, close.. Actually, it was the bacon pants that enticed me.
That was totally my second guess. And I would have come up with it if I wasn’t too busy staring at them myself.
Staring? What about smelling them? All that meat… Oh god, what am I saying.
How much do I have to pay to get on your random co-worker Secret Santa guest list?
You just have to pay the small price of sacrificing your dignity.
Hmmm I have RED handled tools. That’s ok right??? I mean they are in my red toolbox too. I’m going to have to re-think sooooo many presents this year.
I don’t know. I’m worried you might get hurt and get scared by the non-pinkishness of it all.
Well, I might indeed. I will have to re-think the red.
You mock, but I actually have one of those head whisk things. It is UNREAL. But all the other items, well, you pretty much nailed them all. But I kind of want those camouflage bandages.
You can use them if you have an unfortunate whisking eggs accident while massaging your head.
You have completely solved my Christmas Shopping quandaries – thanks! I have always wanted to beat eggs on my loved one’s or random coworker’s head!
Don’t forget to use the microegg afterwards so the egg will fit the bread to avoid that major unpleasantness.
Nice combo – someone’s gonna have an eggtastic Christmas. Or maybe a craptastic one – not sure which.
Why can’t it be both?
Both it is!
Man, without these ideas, I don’t know WHAT I would have put on my shopping lists! Must check out the other items on LTD!! *twitch twitch*
They also have a ceramic mug that cooks bacon. I pinned that on my Pinterest, which means I’m getting it?
I saw that! But I like my bacon flat rather than U-shaped…
And you’re TOTALLY getting it! You get it more than me! I haven’t pinned anything yet! I know, tragic…
You’ve topped yourself once again Speaker 7! I wish I had thought to do this! My blog is very lackluster lately….
You should adorn your blog with collegiate spirit fingerz. Give it some pep.
Is anyone else thinking that if you could program that NFL toaster to print an image of Jesus instead of an NFL logo, you could make a fortune selling miracle toast on eBay?
Oh my Jesus toast, that is a brilliant idea.
I want the spirit fingers and I’ll even wear them while using my pink hammer that I intend on bludgeoning santa claus with. He thinks he’s getting milk and cookies. Ha.
Well at least it will be a festive looking bludgeoning.
In about 5 minutes, I plan to have my evil Stepmonster’s Christmas present purchased. I am eternally grateful. I hope she likes the 500 Steelers toasters I just ordered.
I think that gets you a complimentary tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Steelers Butter!
Wow -thanks so much! Now I’ve got all the total stranger and random co-workers on my list covered. But what about the “slightly acquainted because she’s always hitting me up for donations for other total stranger and random co-workers’ baby/wedding/retirement gift” co-worker?
http://www.google.com/imgres?q=police+officer+eagle+wings+comforting+girl&start=234&hl=en&client=safari&tbo=d&rls=en&biw=1280&bih=610&tbm=isch&tbnid=wEG4-UzM4kHXNM:&imgrefurl=http://www.themetamorainn.com/jos-journal/page/2/&docid=TUd5Tad2gXITDM&imgurl=http://www.themetamorainn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/tumblr_m36wkcOF281rodz1bo1_1280.jpg&w=1250&h=938&ei=afazUOvIGunm0gGJ3IGQAw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=625&vpy=118&dur=178&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=177&ty=90&sig=101588536455628781507&page=10&tbnh=139&tbnw=154&ndsp=27&ved=1t:429,r:38,s:200,i:118
I didn’t want to post this whole thing, but I’m a failure at wordpress commenting. Anyway, the shortest link in history will take you to the perfect gift.
I’m having technical difficulties….please stand by.
That IS the perfect gift. Perhaps I could have that picture of Ahh-nold emblazoned on a coffee mug for her?
My father would be all over the boot lamp – it would go with his velvet Rottweiler paintings. I also want to know exactly WHAT performance those thermals are going to perform so I can get tickets for the Sunday matinee on the stump. Please send me 1-10 of everything. I might go psycho if I don’t have pom-poms on my fingers.
Now I want velvet Rottweiler paintings.
He also has one of the “The Duke” – if my family did not know who The Mercenary Researcher was – I’d have some fucking HILARIOUS posts about my father – but alas – I would not go over well with the family… just know he has the most hideous taste going…. he displays a DIRTY 20+ PLASTIC water pitcher (from the dollar bin) on a display shelf AS IF IT’S FINE CHINA. Then he’ll possibly give you water out of it after he’s given some to the non-velvet rottweilers.
ha ha – that post made no sense – a 20 year plus plastic water pitcher…etc…
But I love him despite his artistic sensibilities 🙂
I so want those spirit fingerz. Especially because of the way they’re spelled.
I know. They are spellezed so goodz.
Can I ask why all those girls in heels are stepping on the nuts of those poor businessmen?
That’s the optical illusion part.
I don’t get the illusion. The girls are stepping on their man-bits. There is nothing illusionary about that.
After the bacon ‘lounge pants’ picture, everything else kinda paled in comparison. Although I would kill to own some spirit fingerz.
The bacon-peen pants are the penultimate Christmas gift.
I want those Spirit Fingerz so that I can cheer people on during work meetings. “2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate? Accounting, accounting, goooooooooo accounting!!!!!!!”
They are in the mail. Your only job is to film you doing this.
Someone actually gave me one of those ladies’ tool kits for Christmas once (I’d just bought a house and mentioned that I wanted tools). It wasn’t pink, but all the tools were tiny and flimsy. Also, it said it was something like a 50-piece set, and 45 or so of those pieces turned out to be nails.
Maybe it was meant for Barbie?
That ladies tool kit makes me wanna bash some dude’s head in with a pink-handled hammer.
That should work out well for you because it’s made for your precious girly arms.
A new personal favorite. I’m supposed to be sleeping but I can’t stop giggling.
Oh no. The first thing that came to mind when I saw the ponytail hat was, “Hey! Good idea!” It’s not good. But I wear a lot of buns/ponytails and it IS a bitch to keep warm. Hats crush that shit! I’m hoping these become trendy and not ridiculous so I can be happy. Until then, I’ll continue with my Roots Canada headband circa 1998. I can’t win.