Hunky Hugo Unfortunately Answers Your Questions

This was not a well-thought out plan. Curse you, NaNoWriMo.

In case you didn’t know, I began a new feature called Ask Hunky Hugo™ where readers could submit questions to the world’s creepiest half-man puppet. I completely stole this idea from the Byronic Man. So basically all this weirdness is his fault.

Some of you had questions that were of a sexual nature. These made Hugo very excited, which in turn made me feel a discomfort that rivaled the time a giant golden retriever burst in on me in the bathroom.

From Wendy of Writer Wendy ReidMy husband no longer satisfies me sexually. I am horny all of the time and I work in an all male environment. Would it be wrong to have a gang bang in the parking lot one day after work?

Storkhunter wanted to know: Since you portrayed Christian and managed to get Goofy Ana pregnant even with only half a body, perhaps you have some advice on sexual positions for effective procreation.

Nancy of Not Quite Old wondered: Do you think older women are sexier than younger women? What is the sexiest thing about women over 60?

Tara of Always Overthinking It pondered: Do you prefer to go down on women with or without your mustache? Do you find they enjoy it more or less?

Maggie O’C of Someone Fat Happened: I have been waiting for this moment for months now. I won’t read any posts if you aren’t in them. Any, not just Speaker7′s. Two questions:
1. How do you feel about product placement in blogs?
2. Will you get me pregnant even if I’m menopausal and you have no genitals?

Jo Eberhardt queried: Back when you were just an anonymous half-man puppet amongst starting out on the rollercoaster ride of fame and infamy that was Speaker7′s 50 Shades Recraps, I thought you were creepy looking. But now when I look at your smooth head and your expressive eyes, I find myself moved by your extreme hotness. How did you get so sexy? Have you had plastic surgery?

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant:

Some of you had questions about Hugo’s lack of a down there–sorry I have lost all other terminology to describe it from my Fifty Shades of Grey recrapping. And some of you worried about Hugo’s mental health from his participation in the Fifty Shades recraps as the enigmatic and buttpluggy Christian Grey.

Miranda Gargasz of Scattering Moments worried: What sort of medication do you take for the PTSD you suffer through after participating in all those recraps? Seriously, I need to know. After only making it through chapter 7 of the first book I find the flashbacks unbearable. Any help you can give me, Hugo, would help.

Michelle Gillies of Silk Purse Productions asked: Were you at all uncomfortable gaining fame and fortune from portraying the 50 Shades of Grey recrap moments? What made you the most uncomfortable?

Lyssa of Psychobabble expressed concern about Hugo’s genitals: Where did you leave your legs? And your genitals? Did they shrivel up after all that recrapping with Ana?

iRuniBreathe questioned: Hugo, where are your pants? And legs, for that matter.

Blogless Wonder wondered: Dear Hugo, if you did have legs and all that comes with them, would you have the kind of feet where the big toe is the biggest, or would you have those weird feet where the second toe is actually the longest? Also, how big would your feet be? Just curious!

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant.

The rest were a smorgasbord of bizarre that really had no common grouping. Hugo decided to answer these individually.

I’m sorry.

Jules from Go Jules GoHunky Hugo, do you like it when girls cry? If so, then what are you feelings on Fergie from Black-Eyed Peas, who claims, rather passionately, that big girls don’t cry

Heather from Becoming Cliche asked: Hugo, I can’t balance a checkbook. Should I see a chiropractor?

El Guapo asked: Hugo: Are you just a pawn in Speaker 7s play for world domination, or are you just biding your time, lulling her into a false sense of security until you can run off with all her reindeer sweaters?

Jen from Sips of Jen & Tonic: Cockfighting: sexy man play or cruel animal sport?
Would rather: Charlie Sheen in his Tiger Blood phase or Nick Nolte during his mugshot phase? I found out I have herpes while browsing WebMD. Is that a deal breaker for you?

She’s a Maineiac posed this: How can we stop Dr. Phil? Who would you rather have sex with, Stalin or Dr. Phil? How much wine is appropriate to drink on Thanksgiving? Is it okay if I get sloshed, then ask my mom why she never loved me while I’m passing her the peas?

Alice of Alice at Wonderland and Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat both wondered what Hugo was doing with the locks of hair he collects from his admirers.

The final question was by far Hugo’s favorite. After he read it, he made out with his reflection for over an hour. I present Madame Weeble’s tour de force:

Madame Weebles of Fear No Weebles: Do you prefer to garotte your victims using leverage, or brute strength?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the 4,000th post or at least it feels that way.


  1. Is he secretly a war hero, and doesn’t like to brag about it? Is that how he lost his legs, or is he just an alcoholic who chopped them off in a drunken rage? Better still, did you cut off his legs to make him lighter and more portable for travel? Also, should I continue to buy clothing for my daughter’s dolls even though they always end up naked anyway?

    I still have so many questions…

      1. Apparently, as I am “quiet” disturbed. Not “quietly”, not “quite” but “quiet”. I fear I am lost … to Hugo

  2. If Hugo had a “like” button, I’d push “loooooove!”

    (Soon that puppet will have a harem to rival Le Clown’s!)

    1. This is what frightens me. I’m afraid Hugo is going to some day challenge Le Clown to a duel of Magnificence™, and while it would be Magnificent™, I’m worried they both would not survive. It’s almost like Harry Potter and Voldemort.

      1. You are right- Hugo has the eyes but Le Clown has le nose… This is beyond anything J K Rowling could have dreamed up.

  3. Well I suppose I forgive you, Hugo, for not wanting me as your first wife. Someone needs to teach you a few things before you’re ready for me.

    P.S. – I like soul patches.

    1. That was the only toy I ever wanted as a child. I never received one because my parent’s insist I never mentioned it. That sit-n-spin was a college graduation present.

  4. I am SO PSYCHED about being Hugo’s first wife. So much so that I’m breaking my rule of never shopping on Thanksgiving weekend by going to look for a wedding dress made of spandex and chains. And in lieu of a bouquet, I’m buying a cat-o-nine-tails.

    1. I am refusing to print what Hugo just said to your comment because even I have standards of decency. Just be aware that it was quite vile even for Hugo. He has since snuck off to the bathroom.

    1. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to give Hugo this platform when you came up with Ask Sexy Stalin.

      I actually have to thank my husband for Hugo. When my parents moved, they presented me with bags of crap from my childhood. I was ready to toss Hugo, but my husband insisted we keep him. I have no idea why. Maybe Hugo hypnotized him.

  5. After these dramatic insights, I have never felt more close to Hugo. I feel a little jealous by all the swooning women here but, like I learned on every season of The Bachelor, I’m not here to make friends. You’re goin’ down, bitches.

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