STDs and the Olds

This post was a suggestion by the remarkable Jen from Sips of Jen and Tonic. And Jen never steers me wrong…except when I jumped on that post-a-day bandwagon because now I’m writing about the elderly and genital warts. And I never wanted that to happen.

And yet here we are.

So STD rates are thrusting and thrusting hard in an upward direction among the elderly.

And scientists are like “Ew…old genitals.”

They asked some questions in their labs with the beakers and bunsen burners flaring:

Can one get chlamydia from bingo? 

Does watching Matlock lead to herpes?

Do early bird specials at Denny’s lead to syphillis?

So they studied and studied and rented Cocoon and hit upon a reason:

The elderly still have sex! Because they’re still human beings! And human beings like to grind against one another especially when the specter of death looms!

But the elderly think they’re past all that protection crap because of menopause and shit, and so there you have it.

The scientists proposed a solution:

Abstinence-only education and less Matlock.

I kid. That’s about as effectual as dentures made of paper.

So instead when Grandpa picks up his viagra prescription, Grandpa will also get a little chat about safe-sex.

It will likely go a little something like this:

Pharmacist: Here’s your viagra. It might be a good idea to also buy some condoms.

Grandpa: What?

Pharmacist: Condoms. You need them

Grandpa: Car plugs? What did you say? Speak up!

Pharmacist: CONDOMS!

Grandpa: Groundhogs?!? Are you crazy?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the sixteenth post. She will never look at senior centers the same way again. 


  1. I don’t know if watching Matlock leads to Herpes, but I’m not taking that chance. What a gripey ass old man. Why did they have to come up with viagra? Did we need old guys with erections? No. No we did not.

  2. First I had to deal with the fact my parents had sex. THEN, I had to face up to the realization my daughter has sex (I do not put Bud in that category because he’s not married and Anne is, so, he’s not having sex. Do NOT ruin my vision). Now, I’m going to have to deal with things like my grandparents doing the deed long after they forgot my name.


  3. Yep, they know they’re fertile years are behind them so they get lazy about condoms… I like to think, however, that the old men all look and sound exactly like Sean Connery, which makes it okay. Yikes, I should clarify that. It makes the sex okay, not the warts.

  4. This is so timely! I was picking up a prescription yesterday, and the guy in front of me was around 1,000 years old. The pharmacist was whispering to him, and he said, “WHAT?” in that loud, super old guy voice. She whispered again, and he said, “I can’t hear you. Are these my dick pills? Did you give me more than 30? They don’t last me that long.”

    Not gonna lie, I was kind of turned on.

  5. So, instead of “Would you like fries with that?” at MacDonald’s they will be getting the up sale from the pharmacist, “Would you like some condoms with that viagra?”.

  6. I too will never look at old folks homes the same way again.

    And reading all these comments had me rolling around laughing as much as your post did.

    Also, I think I’m going to have sex-ed teachers read this to high schoolers and say, “Now that I’ve sufficiently killed any sexy images you’ve ever had of sex. I bet this abstinence only education will work. But if you like wrinkly genitalia, just remember: if they can get it at 70, what do you think will happen to YOU?!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s