This post was a suggestion by the remarkable Jen from Sips of Jen and Tonic. And Jen never steers me wrong…except when I jumped on that post-a-day bandwagon because now I’m writing about the elderly and genital warts. And I never wanted that to happen.
And yet here we are.
So STD rates are thrusting and thrusting hard in an upward direction among the elderly.
And scientists are like “Ew…old genitals.”
They asked some questions in their labs with the beakers and bunsen burners flaring:
Can one get chlamydia from bingo?
Does watching Matlock lead to herpes?
Do early bird specials at Denny’s lead to syphillis?
So they studied and studied and rented Cocoon and hit upon a reason:
The elderly still have sex! Because they’re still human beings! And human beings like to grind against one another especially when the specter of death looms!
But the elderly think they’re past all that protection crap because of menopause and shit, and so there you have it.
The scientists proposed a solution:
Abstinence-only education and less Matlock.
I kid. That’s about as effectual as dentures made of paper.
So instead when Grandpa picks up his viagra prescription, Grandpa will also get a little chat about safe-sex.
It will likely go a little something like this:
Pharmacist: Here’s your viagra. It might be a good idea to also buy some condoms.
Grandpa: What?
Pharmacist: Condoms. You need them
Grandpa: Car plugs? What did you say? Speak up!
Pharmacist: CONDOMS!
Grandpa: Groundhogs?!? Are you crazy?
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the sixteenth post. She will never look at senior centers the same way again.
Speaker7 
Ewwwwwwwww…. Old men still have peni?
Apparently. And they’re heavily diseased. All I can think about is Newt Gingrich’s and now I will never consume food again.
I don’t think he has one. And I’m sticking to that.
Or perhaps you can just puke on Calista. That might make it all worth while.
I spit my coffee.
Hopefully not onto an old couple engaged in some heavy petting. They’ve got enough problems.
Gross! Thank you for informing all of us about this danger. You are a true hero 🙂
I guess it’s a good rule of thumb to be suspicious of shriveled genitalia.
LMAO
The sad fact is that elderly do not need to laugh to have their asses fall off. It just happens from the STDs.
Gross..lol
I don’t know if watching Matlock leads to Herpes, but I’m not taking that chance. What a gripey ass old man. Why did they have to come up with viagra? Did we need old guys with erections? No. No we did not.
No, I would have thought curing menopause hot flashes would have higher priority. That other stuff is Darwin working.
I have been meaning to call my Grandpa. He is recently single. This is going to be one hell of an awkward conversation. Talk about role reversal.
Good luck. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but all I can say is…ugh.
Agreed. I wrote a bit about this a couple of years ago, suggesting a hook-up between erectile dysfunction meds and condom producers. May I impose? http://tinyurl.com/az9cqu4
Yours was way more mature than mine.
Thanks for that imagery. Just what I needed for the weekend.
So you weren’t planning on engaging in any type of boinkery.
First I had to deal with the fact my parents had sex. THEN, I had to face up to the realization my daughter has sex (I do not put Bud in that category because he’s not married and Anne is, so, he’s not having sex. Do NOT ruin my vision). Now, I’m going to have to deal with things like my grandparents doing the deed long after they forgot my name.
Thanks.
It’s best to live in a constant state of denial. I will only accept the stork as my means of arrival in the world. Makes life a whole lot easier.
Yep, they know they’re fertile years are behind them so they get lazy about condoms… I like to think, however, that the old men all look and sound exactly like Sean Connery, which makes it okay. Yikes, I should clarify that. It makes the sex okay, not the warts.
Much better than imagining them all as Wilford Brimley.
Walking in on your grandparents has got to be at least 100 times worse than walking in on your parents.
Agreed.
Can’t believe I read this all the way through, fell down laughing and couldn’t get back up.
I hope everything is still intact.
well, that will leave a mark on my mind I won’t get over easily. 😉
I apologize for that. It’s better a mark on the mind than on the genitals as the saying goes. Wait…is that a saying?
it is now! 🙂
I wish I could scrape my retinas to remove the unholy images that are now in my head.
Oh Madame Weebs,
I am sorry for the image of shriveled weiners, but I am not sorry to be able to write shriveled weiners in this comment box.
Now I finally understand what is meant by the term “active seniors.” Thanks for clueing me in!
Ewwwwwww.
I have been blinded by unwanted realities.
Reality is way-overrated. It’s way more fun in deluded land.
as long as you have company!
I am NOT amused.
Note: If you make your dentures out of real stiff cardboard, they last a lot longer than paper ones.
Duly noted.
Ha, gentle heart!
Better than a genital heart.
I’ve heard that, too. Makes sense. You’re in an old-folks home… an std is going to be the least of your problems… have at it!
I see that. Maybe feeling a burning sensation is better than feeling nothing.
I truly hope Matlock doesn’t lead to herpes, because Husband is obsessed with that show. Sometimes he eats relish dogs so he can be more like Matlock.
Just make sure hubby has protection. Matlock is highly contagious.
I love Mattlock – don’t take him away…and I’m not even elderly yet….
Librarians are so clever….
We are, aren’t we. We don’t just sshhh, stamp books and deal with monthly budget cuts.
I don’t even work in a library!
This is so timely! I was picking up a prescription yesterday, and the guy in front of me was around 1,000 years old. The pharmacist was whispering to him, and he said, “WHAT?” in that loud, super old guy voice. She whispered again, and he said, “I can’t hear you. Are these my dick pills? Did you give me more than 30? They don’t last me that long.”
Not gonna lie, I was kind of turned on.
Bam chicka bam bam. Ohhhh yeeaahhhhhhhh
I don’t blame you – a guy who knows what he’s getting and isn’t afraid to put it out there for everyone to hear? He’s manly!
Or has dementia.
I thought heavy petting for the elderly was a way of saying they’ve got too many cats.
I wish that’s what it meant.
So, instead of “Would you like fries with that?” at MacDonald’s they will be getting the up sale from the pharmacist, “Would you like some condoms with that viagra?”.
Let’s hope so.
You deserve a Nobel Prize for this elegant, poignant PSA.
Great minds think alike
I too will never look at old folks homes the same way again.
And reading all these comments had me rolling around laughing as much as your post did.
Also, I think I’m going to have sex-ed teachers read this to high schoolers and say, “Now that I’ve sufficiently killed any sexy images you’ve ever had of sex. I bet this abstinence only education will work. But if you like wrinkly genitalia, just remember: if they can get it at 70, what do you think will happen to YOU?!”
Wrinkly diseased genitalia is the perfect save-yourself tool.
Hahaha! I heard about this too! Loved your spin on it 😛