Heckuva Turd

One might say criticizing the president for responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy is partisan hackery at its best.

But when that critic is the poster child of one of the most botched relief efforts in recent U.S. history, that critic floats to the level of turd superstar, otherwise known as Turd of the Week™.

Michael “heckuva job, Brownie” Brown took Obama to task for holding a press conference the day before the storm hit.

Apparently it’s way better to deal with the mess after it happens. The Bush Administration waited a good amount of time before noticing much of the Gulf Coast was underwater from Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. In fact the day after the levees fell in New Orleans, President Bush was quoted as saying “New Orleans dodged a bullet.” Once they realized things were grim, they responded by not responding. Brown, a former supervisor of horse judges and then current head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, “led” the relief effort.

Two weeks later, Brown resigned in disgrace.

In the storm’s aftermath, Brown, like much of Louisiana, seemed to be in over his head.

On the day Katrina made landfall, Brown was busy typing “funny” emails to staff, like:

“Can I quit now? Can I go home?” (2005 Speaker7’s reply: Yes, and take the entire Bush Administration with you.)

And emails about FEMA attire:

At the Congressional hearings on Katrina a year later, Brown pointed the finger-of-blame at everyone including a little boy scout who was visiting the Capitol for the first time ever after selling the most popcorn balls in his troop. When members of Congress demanded he admit his culpability in the colossal fuckery, he yelled like a two-year-old.

So it makes sense that Brownie should ever speak anything about someone else’s heckuva job since he knows exactly how disaster relief shouldn’t unfold.

Or what I meant to write is it makes sense that he won my weekly turd award because…cheese and crackers, Michael Brown, why the flipping hell do you think anyone wants to hear your take on this?


Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the third post. It is a post about turds. There may be many more due to the overabundance of turds. Would you like to read about something other than turds this month? Then leave a suggestion in the comments. 


  1. Great Piece and SPOT ON!.

    It’s interesting as I am working on a piece about a turd as well. I’m coming to love that word “Turd”. It’s an insult, but not really a swear. My turd in question (The name of my piece is “Turd With A Combover”) is about Donald Trump.

    A couple weeks ago Trump had a “huge announcement” to make. His “huge” annoucement turned out to be his latest beef with the President. Donnie Dicko offered $5 million to the charity of Pres O’bama’s choice if he would turn over his college transcripts. The country collectively rolled their eyes and internally cursed themselves for even listening to DT for even a second.”When will we learn?” The talking heads, especially the late night comedians all ridiculed Trump’s move, and righteously so. If anything good came out of this Turd with a combover’s latest idiocy it was the laughs from people like Steven Colbert. Even highly respected, non partisan journalists chimed in, like Barbara Walters “Donald, you are embarrassing yourself”

    Trump is quite literally in the middle of the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. He has an interest and his name on several casinos in Atlantic City and property in NYC. He could have polished this dog crap situation into a diamond with the simple “This is a time for American’s to come together, so I am going to donate the 5 million to the Red Cross and I will house some relief workers in my hotels…blah blah blah” Hell, he could have made money out of this in the long run and walked away smelling like Calvin Klein’s Obsession.

    Nope. What did he do? He publicly doubled down on his moronic stunt. He “extended the President’s dealine due to Hurricane Sandy” While we’re at it, what kind of ego does a private citizen have to give the POTUS a dealine? Half of this country dislikes President Obama to varying degrees, but what happened to even a small amount of respect of the office?

    Speaking of the President; where was he during this? He was in NJ with Gov Fatty Boombalatty doing their jobs like grown ups. A tip of the hat to Gov. Chris Christie for telling the press off and not allowing them to turn the situation into partisan politics. Both he and the President worked together like grown ups and did their jobs…Meanwhile little Donnie Trump was holding his breath because Daddy wasn’t paying attention to him.

    Brownie (and what a appropriate name for a turd) could have also used this oppurtinity to redeem himself after the Katrina nightmare. He could have flown to NJ and handed out water, gave blood, and worked to help the victims. The press would have noticed and he too would have emerged a hero who learned from their huge blunders of the past.

    Brown(ie) never belonged as head of FEMA to begin with. His backround was in Arabian horses. Junior Bush apparently owed someone a favor and as a result FEMA got Brownie and the people of New Orleans got it firmly up the ass without a kiss (Pardon the crude analogy)

    After Hurricane Katrina Daddy Bush and Former Pres Clinton worked together to bring aid and help. Once again Poppy Bush was picking up after his irresponsible frat boy son. Where was Junior Bush during all of this? After Twit Money told him “Thanks, but no thanks, just stay out of sight please” during this campaign…Junior was in the Cayman Islands during Hurricane Sandy giving a $4000 a head speech to wealthy bankers, venture capitalists etc. Here’s a man who is not only a true humanitarian, but also with his priorities well in line.

    1. “Turd with a combover” is now the only acceptable way to refer to Donald Trump. He is truly masterful in his idiocy. I’m so sick of these hating-goverment people getting into government so they can make it ineffectual all the while drawing a goverment paycheck and benefits.

  2. Sorry Speaker. I didn’t mean to rant and hijack. I’m IN NYC and this situation is personal to me given many friends who are suffering. You are SO right about Brownie. When will this asshat learn. I think you should try to send you rpiece out for publication. Lots of people could use the laughs.

    Great Job. I’m really impressed.

  3. I just read an article about how conservatives are trying to spin Obama’s response to Sandy. Basically, the fact that he’s taken any time at all to campaign since the hurricane shows he’s a terrible president. Never mind the fact that their candidate turned his own fundraising party into a useless photo op for relief efforts the day of the storm. And wants to cancel FEMA funding all together because you shouldn’t spend public money to rebuild cities and stuff. We should leave that to corporations who surely have our best interests at heart.

    1. The conservatives are right. It is way better to have a president pretending he gives a damn by accepting nonperishable food that he himself bought and cleaning pots that are already clean all for the sake of a photo opp.

  4. I am in MALAWI and I left the USA the day before Sandy hit and I was in the lounges muttering, “This is God’s will … he wants Obama to win and he is going to bring hell and high water to the fore to make it happen.” And guess what? Obama did the right thing — as usual — and he IS GOING TO WIN. You all have to BELIEVE!!! And btw, isn’t it just ironic that the GOP has Bush barricaded into a bunker somewhere until after the election so everybody can have Romnesia about the fact that their candidate is ANOTHER SPOILED ROTTEN, ARROGANT, CLUELESS, OVER-PRIVILEGED SON OF A BIG POLITICAL DADDY? Please … don’t get me started. Keep the faith!!!

    1. They can’t help themselves. I read somewhere about another Republican congressional candidate talking about his stance against abortion even in cases of incest and “the rape thing” because incest is so rare and abortion is just putting more violence in the woman’s body.

      1. Oh, yeah, I saw that one too. Yup, incest rarely happens. That’s why the foster homes are so empty these days. And a quick abortion of a tiny embryo is so much more violent than expelling a 7 pound fetus from your body. Then possibly getting sued by your rapist for custody. Makes sense to me!

  5. The caption on that first picture is so funny. Honestly, is there a picture of George W. Bush that doesn’t make him look like a dimwit? I’d love to see it because I don’t think it exists.

    Topic suggestions:

    Horrible Christmas presents. What are some things you’d hate to receive, or would only give to your worst enemy?

    STDs in the elderly. Why is grandma contracting The Clap?

  6. Definitely a well-deserved weekly turd award. When I first saw the headline for this story, I honestly thought it had to have been from The Onion.

    Oh, and since you’re taking suggestions for future posts — I’ve always wondered what happened to Speakers 1 through 6.

  7. Brilliant. Turdtastic. You said writing a post a day would be a train wreck? if this is a train wreck, I’m happy to watch from the sidelines. I’ve got my jiffy pop cooking on the stove as I type this…keep it up, Speaker!

  8. You can never have to many turd posts. Especially if they are as funny as this. Between you and me when an embarrassing bodily function story is not about me, I feel like I’ve had a good day.

  9. Even funnier (or turdier) is Cheney and Rumsfeld criticizing Obama for Benghazi. He had intelligence and didn’t follow it, he didn’t do the right thing, slow to act, people lost lives, etc. – but on 9/11? Criticizing the president is unpatriotic. We had no warning. Not our fault.

  10. The disclaimers at the end of the blog are hysterical. I can’t imagine how you could run out of turds to talk about in an election month. Feel free to continue the turd-talk. Lovin’ it.

  11. A well deserved turd. It could’ve gone to a better guy doing a heckuva job. I forgot about those emails. I forgot he was the commissioner on the international arabian horse association. And I forgot about how his eyes are dead. Seriously, dead. Look at that first photo! Eeeeeeek.

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