Casting Ana Steele

Who will play Ana Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This is a very powerful role. Ana is the most beguiling, charming, strong, intelligent, and ambitious woman on the planet.

Wait…what the fuck did I just write? (Thanks Le Clown for freeing me)

Christian Grey says those adjectives a bajillion times in the trilogy, but in no instances do we ever see these qualities in Miss Steele. (To read my recraps, click here) Instead we know that Ana is always “wet and ready” and she can come on Christian’s command, and she reads, and she is a brunette, and, she thinks “Holy crap” ad infinitum, and she judges other women, and she thinks Christian only likes her because he’s “fifty shades fucked up” and she sometimes walks around with vaginal balls in her “down there.”

A couple of names have been tossed about. (For Christian casting, click here) I believe they are all Emma or Emily, and I believe they have last names that distinguish them. But frankly, they will never do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I searched for Ana Steele casting on the Internetz and I fell asleep so I’m making most of this up.

Ana responds to commands and Scooby snacks quite well. It makes one surmise that maybe this actress should take the part:

You are right, Lassie. You actually save people–and not with your magical dog vagina.

A dog is a good choice, but perhaps one that is more slobbery and dum. Like Odie from the comic Garfield. Odie continually gets kicked off the table by Garfield, but always comes back for more.

Sorry Odie, no offense.

Maybe the ideal candidate is one that is not actually life-like, but truly encompasses the essences of Anabella Steele.

Here are my top five picks

5. A wet piece of bread.

What can one do with a wet piece of bread? Nothing.

Totally nailed it.

4.  A pair of holey underwear.

Many times, Christian pokes his fingers through Ana’s underwear and they disintegrate (the underwear, not his fingers). This seems like ideal casting. The underwear is partially gone. It chaffs one’s ass. It’s annoying as lasagna-eating cat. It has no value.


3. A used tissue


2. The watery stuff that shoots out of the ketchup bottle that makes one curse because it’s gross and who the fuck wants that slimy shit on one’s hamburger.

I call this Ketchup Spooge. The same thing I call Ana Steele.

1. E.L. James

Yes, Dr. Frankenstein, you have created a monster. A monster you should play. A monster, I think, you want to play. Have at it, you gajillionaire hack.

Next up: brain transplants.


  1. Wait…I didn’t read this book so I am not sure what to think about fingers poking through underwear and it disintegrating. Please say you are taking poetic license with your blog verbiage and that someone didn’t actually write that within the contents of a novel. Otherwise I may have to kill myself.

  2. I couldn’t type for a few minutes, the full body shudders were too much. Currently I have my wallet in my mouth so the seizures wont make me swallow my tongue….Mr potato head deserves somuch better!!

  3. Why do VS underwear always come apart like that?

    I am not sure if food products is the right choice because of CG’s eating issues. He would make Ana eat herself. Hmmmm well maybe that does make sense. I officially hate myself.

    1. IS should be ARE

      I hate when I edit and forget to correct subject/verb agreement. Apparrently E L does not worry about silly things like this.

  4. Isn’t it a little premature to pull the plug on any possibility? OK, I guess I withdrew a little early…oh, wait, Christian would NEVER do that!

    We could coat a tampon with the ketchup scooge and place it on wet bread as if to depict a Christian hot dog….

  5. Oh good god, the ketchup liquid part is too amazing for words. I nominate you as the spokesperson for advocating against When Condiments Go Bad. Next up — that papery crust that forms around the edge of the salsa jar. Maybe the salsa crust should play Ana?

    1. My morning is now completely ruined, thinking about all the shit connected to condiments. That crusty stuff also forms around mustard in a jar. But if it’s in a squeeze bottle, you get the watery stuff. I can’t even go into the kitchen when Now Husband opens the relish jar, because the smell nauseates me. But then there are little pieces of relish that have dropped on the cutting board, which is almost worse, because they sneak up on you and pounce into other food. Now I don’t even care about Ana. I just hate condiments.

      1. Now I’m thinking of the hard little mucus plug that drops out of the mustard bottle on the first squeeze. Does this condiment horror ever end?

  6. You know what I realized when I saw the Lassie picture? Both dear Christian and I are owners of bitches that don’t always listen to us (but are all over us when presented with a piece of meat) – fuck, do I feel dirty now, as if E.L. just sneezed because of me.

    Anyway, I vote for the wet slice of bread. It doesn’t have a brain, personality, backbone, it doesn’t it, (but sucks very well), and it’s, well, wet.

  7. Two things…FIRST, you’re not showing up in my reader anymore. What the F, WordPress? Secondly, I didn’t get all the way through 50 Shades. I tried, but I just couldn’t stand hearing about anus play. I talk about it enough amongst friends and coworkers. I guess if I had to vote, I’d say Kristen Stewart. She’s a real person, and she’s got the same level of talent and emotion as everything on your list.

    P.S. Are those your underwear? HAWT.

    1. Jen,
      Fuck you, you preceded me with my favourite target! Yes, I think kristen Stewart would be perfect as a dry wall version of Ana Steel. And like any good dry wall, you can make a glory hole out of it…
      Le Clown

      1. I was also going to suggest KStew. Something about those cold, dead eyes that makes her so alluring.
        As a side note, I have never had a pair of underwear disintegrate on me. Am I buying the wrong kind? The right kind? I think I’ll stick with the sturdy stuff.

      2. Those are indeed my sexy-as-vaginal-ball underwear. My lucky husband. And backside. Lucky, lucky. I love the dry wall-glory-hall-dead-eye-disengrating-panty-wearing suggestion of Robert Pattinson. He is sparkly.
        Oh wait, you suggested K-Stew. She is good too, but less sparkly.

  8. All this talk about condiments reminds me of how much I hate it when you open up the butter and find bits of disgusting grape jelly swimming around in there…or open up the peanut butter to find congealed Fluff all over the place. Like someone violated it with their yucky knife. Maybe this would be a good analogy for Christian and Ana’s sexcapades? Disgusting exchange of fluids that makes us all want to vomit?

    1. Wow. Those are great! Wait…I hate these books. Do you have a T-shirt that shows Christian and Ana being consumed by a giant ball of fire? I would buy that.

  9. Oh my, I’m still laughing at the wet piece of bread. The fact that you actually took the time to get a slice of bread, dribble some water into a dish, place the bread in it, and take a picture of it. THAT, my friend, is what makes a bloody good blog. 🙂
    And you’re totally right about E.L ‘I’ve ruined everyone’s lives and I’m totally fine with that’ James playing Ana, because then she’ll have to learn her lines and realise that, actually, Ana only says ‘Holy crap’ throughout the entire film. PAYBACK, BITCH.

  10. Only one actor has the (2) emotional range to play this role: Keanu Reeves.

    Don’t thank me, it’s why I’m here–to help.

    1. Nice one. I remember seeing him in Much Ado About Nothing. He played the villain and there’s this one scene when he laughs after committing some nefarious act, and it sounded as if any moment, he would say “Excellent” ala Bill and Ted.

  11. I still think your earlier suggestion of inflatable doll is great. Except he might accidentally pop her while sticking stuff into her (like ice cream and condiments). But wait, a deflated Ana doll would actually be even perfecter. Although used tampon is a close second.

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