Casting Call: Christian Grey

Who will portray the venerable protagonists Ana Steele and Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This has been quite the guessing game with such actors like Matt Bomer and Ian Somerhalder being bandied about for the part of the dashing and enigmatic Christian Grey. Frankly I don’t think either will do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I have no idea who either person is.

I feel I know Christian intimately from reading all three books in the trilogy (for recraps, click here). I know he smolders. I know he curls his lips and arches his brow. I know he wears his pants off his hips in just that way. I know he likes to stick his fingers in various holes to check Ana’s humidity.

To portray Christian Grey, one must possess the charm of Girls Gone Wild magnate Joe Francis, the brawn of performer Chris Brown and the soul of former Hogwarts’ student Voldemort.

I think it’s obvious that Hugo is the clear choice to take on this role.

Unfortunately Hugo is busy with other projects. He is starring as Mrs. Pearce in a local production of My Fair Lady.

But there are still several other worthy candidates to delve into the fifty shades of fuckupity that makes Christian Grey so fascinating.*

*Full disclosure: I do not know what fascinating means.

I present my top five choices:

5. Mr. Potato Head

First of all, try to name someone hotter. Didn’t think so. Second, he possesses the capabilities of being able to raise his eyebrows and curl his lips by the simple act of inserting the correct pieces. His arms have Christian’s talon-fingers-like quality. And B, when he wore pants, it would make sense that Ana comments on this fact 5,346 times (in the first book alone) since the pants would swim around his blue shoes.

4. Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut is wealthy as evidenced by his sexy monocle. He is an icon in the peanut industry much in the same manner Christian Grey is an icon in his bullshit made up company of nonsense. He also tastes salty, and I’ve just been informed by Ana that is exactly how Christian tastes. And he’s nuts. Just envision the tagline on the movie poster: Is Ana’s magical vag strong enough to crack his shell?

3. A bottle of Axe Body Spray

Ana is always stupiding about Christian smelling like Christian-smell. I interpret that to mean Axe Body Spray. Commercials have led me to believe that women cannot resist the smell of cheap cologne mixed with sweaty desperation, and nearly every woman (except the lesbians) in the books go limp in the panties at the sight of Christian Grey. My only quibble is that the bottle should be completely gray. Get it? Get it? Yeah, I don’t either.

2. Ted Bundy as played by Mark Harmon since Ted Bundy is dead

I think it’s pretty obvious that Christian Grey hates women, yes? Oops! I mean he loves them. *Sigh* He is so dreamy especially in the way he abuses loves Ana. I do think there’s a 98% chance that he’s likely killed a few of his submissives “accidentally,” for example accidentally dropping the cattle prod into the bathtub. But I’m sure he did it in a really charming, sexy way so no biggie. Tee-hee!

1. Nosferatu

He is the total package. He’s rich. His fingers are actually claws–not just talon-like. He is as sexy as a package of Necco wafers coated in asbestos. He sparkles. . . wait I’ve just been informed that is not a characteristic of real vampires. And he kills people. This is Christian Grey, people. Sign this man…er…monster up. That’s a wrap!

Next up: Who will portray the grease stain that is Ana Steele?


    1. I don’t know…Bella and Ana are just so different. Like Bella is a plain, clumsy brunette and Ana is a clumsy, plain brunette. Bella likes that Edward watches her sleep and controls her every move while Ana likes that Christian controls her every move and watches her sleep. Don’t know if it would work.

  1. Reading your and Alice’s work about this masterfece (© me, 2012) I felt the need to see and hear E.L. James. I found her on youtube (the View) and at least she as well “doesn’t know” why it’s been so successful…(doesn’t make me feel better about mankind, though).
    I’m voting for Ted Bundy, dig him up.

  2. Just a plain blow up doll as Ana. perhaps one of those dashboard hula dolls for inner goddess. Although no one, no one can do it like Goofy the blue bunny. Her performance with the vagina balls brought tears to my eyes.

  3. Just brilliant… except, you have totally forgotten Christian’s sensitive side. Therefore, I propose: Linus Van Pelt. He would bring complexity and vulnerability to this profound story – and a blanket.

  4. I *cackled* at the mention of Axe Body Spray. I think that’s perfect casting. Because it screams “arrogant douchebag.” But if the bottle proves to be too profound a choice, then I think Nosferatu or Mark Harmon’s Ted Bundy would fit the bill nicely.

  5. You have wonderful suggestion, but I feel we are missing one important factor. Whoever takes on the role, must be comfortable with doing a porn movie…with a plot. That’s like a guaranteed career killer. Let me ponder which actor I never want to see again a little longer…

  6. Speaker7,
    Great choices, but I have to admit that I am a tad surprise not to see Darth Vader as a potential Christian… Butt plugs + The Force = A block-buster…
    Le Clown

  7. Another genius post, Speaker 7! I think you have excellent suggestions. I don’t know who the two actors you mentioned in the beginning are either. Could it be that REAL actors have turned down the part?

    1. Matt Bomer plays Neal Caffrey on White Collar. I love that show in a non-snidey-snarky way, therefore Matt Bomer may NOT play master douchebag.
      The other fella, Ian whatisface, is on Vampire Diaries – sometimes referred to as VD – might just work!!

  8. Can I throw in Christian Bale as a contender?
    A) He’s already named after Christian Grey
    B) He starred in the prequel to “50 Shades”, “American Psycho”.
    C) I want to see Christian Bale naked.

    If not, I vote for Axe Body Spray. Same IQ, same charm, same reaction when I’m stuck on a subway car with it.

  9. I just don’t know if Mr. Potato Head has “impassive” eyes in his collection. How else will he speak impassively and look impassive, as needed?

    Love loved this.

  10. Now this is rare (and refreshing). People actually having fun with who should play CG. Far too many people are oddly serious about it, too much so for my liking. I like the blow up doll idea for Ana. Casting should mere minutes at the most.

  11. I vote for Mr. Peanut. With the monocle and top hat, he reminds me of the scratchy-drawn Turn of the Century political cartoons that would appear in our 10th grade history textbooks. And this reminds me of how I love history and old stuff, yet also fear it for the simple fact that it typically involves corpses. And this reminds me of books that disturb me. Wait, what was the question? Who is the best food mascot? Mr. Peanut of course.

    1. I agree, that is an appropriately ugly and awkward design. It matches James’s prose pretty well. I especially like the way the lips look bruised.

    1. Interesting casting choices. I think Ana would be better as the swiffer rag that collects all the crap on the floor. The actual Swiffer seems too useful.

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