A Pad of Ass

Chris B. is feeling down, you guys.

His Bachelor Pad besties have betrayed him. The woman he would alternately make out with or ignore has been voted off. His ex-partner Blakely has been saved and Chris hates her stupid face. He does the only thing he can think of as a “grown ass man.”

He gets into his little bunk bed and pulls the covers over his giant head.

His partner Sarah comes over and tries to coax Chris out with a graham cracker, but he’s, like, so grown-ass-man upset, yo! Then his ex-bestie Kalon comes in and Chris B. says “You’re a lying jerky poop head.”

Chris finally pulls himself out of bed to solely go yell at Ed, his other ex-bestie. He shouts at Ed to not shout at him. And keeps repeating the phrase “grown-ass man” in a manner that speaks to the opposite.

Ed has had enough or he needs to pee and he storms out, flinging a wine glass in his wake. He grown-ass says “This game is stupid.” And finally I agree with a contestant on something.

It’s the next day. Chris said he couldn’t sleep, and Tony responds “Relationships are tarnished. Trust is gone.” Not too melodramatic.

The challenge is The Great Fall of China, which involves the contestants carry stacks of teacups without dropping them. Blakely’s excited because she has worked at Hooters for 13 years.

Chris is bitching because he doesn’t think it’s fair. I’m sorry, Chris, I’m sure they’ll have a contest you’ll be good at like whiny bitching.

Blakely and Tony win. They decide to go on the date together so they give their immunity rose to Kalon. Kalon goes on a bridge date with Lindzi and kind of non professes his non love.

Blakely and Tony go on a trailer park date and feign interest in one another.

Tony and Blakely decide to give the remaining rose to Jaclyn despite Chris’s best efforts to get the rose for his partner Sarah.

Host Chris Harrison shows up to stoke the flames of drama. He asks all the couples about their coupledom, and Ed actually answers truthfully that he’s not interested in anyone in the house while his partner Jaclyn looks like she’s been punched in the stomach.

Chris Harrison tells the contestants that in this elimination round all the contestants will vote for one woman and that woman will choose the man she will take with her.

Chris B. knows he’s not long for the Bachelor Pad Gonorrhea Emporium. He attempts to come up with a strategy.

He tries to patch things up with Ed, and get Ed on board with voting off Lindzi. Ed says he can’t believe they were acting like stupid 15-year-old boys while being dressed exactly like 15-year-old boys.

Michael, the don of Bachelor Pad, tries to convince Erica that Chris B. is leading the brigade to get her voted off. Michael knows that he is vulnerable being the top Bachelor Pad dawg (what a distinction!), and wants Erica to take Chris with her. But his plan backfires when Chris brings Erica into the voting booth with him and shows his vote for Lindzi. A-doy.

Erica is voted off and takes Michael with her. In her valley-girl drone, she lists all the ways Michael sucks.

Michael’s partner Rachel is devastated and wants to leave with him, but he tells her to stay and “enjoy the experience.”

And that’s it! So much grown-assness that I actually grew another ass. Or it could be all the potato chips I consumed while watching this. . . whatever it is, I have grown.

An ass.


  1. “This game is stupid.” <– One of my favorite quotes of the whole show. FINALLY, someone gets it. "Grown-ass-man" gave me the giggles. I'm almost not upset Chris is still around, because he's so retarded it's actually funny.

    Nicely done as always.

  2. I just love some of their names. What’s with these names? Lyndzi? That’s a name someone’s going to see on a job application and say “I want her.” Now that I’m done offending anyone with names like Lyndzi, I have to ask how you do the text bubbles over the pictures? What magic photoshop secrets do you use? Because I can’t figure photoshop out. If that’s even photoshop. Which just proves my point. Maybe my name should be Lyndzi.

    1. I think what’s also awesome about Lindzi’s job application is her two stints on the Bachelor franchise. That makes me want to start a business–excuse me, biznizzd–solely for the purposes of hiring her.

  3. Any man that refers to himself as a “grown ass man” is not. Because ass men don’t grow. Everyone knows that.

    Oh how I love reliving the episode through your twisted mind. You’ll continue through the Bachelor’s and Bachelorette’s too, correct?….Please???

  4. You know how the Olympics had a condom shortage? I think I can handle some illegitimate, finely-toned babies. But THIS…?? God help us 9 months from now.

    1. I think the copious amounts of alcohol slows sperm down. I’m not sure so I’ll check with Rep. Todd Akin who seems to know quite a bit about reproduction.

  5. I still can’t get over that one of the contestants is named Blakely. Did her parents specifically name her as a strategy to increase the odds that their daughter would grow up to be on a reality show about chlamydia?

    Oh, crap. I’m waiting for someone to reply in a rant to me that their daughter is named Blakely. Inhale, exhale….must not back down…

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