Ibex Peen and Perfume: New York Travels

I actually left my home and laptop, and traveled to New York City this past weekend.

It was weird. There was the outside and real people and very limited access to wireless networks so I could not check my wordpress site stats every five minutes like I typically do.

I met up with my two closest friends from college. We are getting old, and at one of our “Jesus Christ, we’re this old now?” celebrations–otherwise known as a birthday–we made a solemn alcohol pact that we would go on a trip every year.

This is the first.

We stayed at the Millennium Hotel near Ground Zero. I don’t have a picture of it, but I do have this:

This is my foot. I was trying to take a picture of the view. This would be the view of a bed bug sitting on top of my head.

I had just lasted six hours on a train without Internet access so I was eager to tap into the free wireless access at the hotel. No such thing in NYC. You had to pay, and considering I just doled at $4 for a tub of lip balm fit for a Barbie Doll, I figured wireless access might be a tad pricey.

We ate at a Korean restaurant the first night. I don’t remember the name because I am American and if it doesn’t say “McDonald’s” then I will not remember it so let’s just say I went to a non-McDonald’s. I don’t have a picture of my dinner, but I do have this picture I took at the Museum of Sex:

Every guy’s fantasy.

Incidentally that is not what I had for dinner.

The second day was all about seeing the sites. We stopped in a perfume shop that likely had a name, but I’ve forgotten it. The perfume was costly, like 40 tiny tubs of lip balm. I asked the saleswoman if she would be interested in developing a Christian Grey scent with me. In the Fifty Shades trilogy, Ana is always going on about the fantastic smell wafting from Christian’s body. She describes it as the “Christian smell,” which is pretty descriptive. The saleswoman asked me what that smell is and I said I believed it was a combination of Axe body wash, lube and vag-flavored ice cream. She asked me to leave.

Spritz some perfume to say a prayer for the creation of “Christian Grey Dildo Butt Plug Scentasm.”

We trekked to the Empire State Building and were immediately accosted by a bunch of people in blue vests. One blue vester had the better ticket deal, he insisted. If we purchased tickets inside the building, then we would have to wait 16 hours standing on hot coals while shadowboxing roosters. If we bought from him, we just would have to pay more. Not a bad deal.

We bought tickets inside.

The view. Not my foot.

Here are my friends:

I also do weddings.

We saw the New York Public Library…

Me and the lion who starred in Ghostbusters.

And Central Park.

Me and a fern?

A butterfly landed on my foot and made love to it for several minutes. No one seemed to care. That’s New York for you.

The butterfly moves on to make sweet love to my friend’s hand. I’ll admit it. I felt used. And a little jealous.

We had an encounter with “Joke Man,” a guy who tells jokes for $1. I warned him that I was humorless.

We had a fantastic dinner at some Italian restaurant. You should really try it if you’re ever in NY. I cannot remember the name or begin to tell you where it’s located, but check it out. I don’t have a picture of my meal because it was dark and my belly was full of Chianti and despair over making joke man displeased. But I do have this:

Bed bug peen at the Museum of Sex. This is the main reason you want to avoid bed bugs while in NY.

Incidentally I did have bed bug peen for dessert.


  1. You should become a tour guide and offer a photography package! You could charge something like 500 tiny tubs of lip balm.

    Love this post! 🙂 Teehee! Can’t stop giggling!

  2. I walked by that museum, but I didn’t go in. The bicycle in the display window scared me. I don’t care what anyone says; it is not possible to combine biking and sex. Porn doesn’t count since we all know it’s fake anyway (and probably smells like Christian Grey…)

      1. Not kidding. There was a bicycle in the display window last March…

        For your sake though, NY did tone down all their sexy advertising. (That’s actually a lie. They toned it down because they believed it was causing car accidents.) By the way, are you reading Fifty Shades in paperback?

  3. I assume the animal giving itself oral treats is on the endangered species short-list. Not so much due to over-hunting but because you know, sex with others has lost it’s luster. Plus the whole competition thing during the rutting season is just time consuming and exhausting. Ever since he got cable, there’s really no reason to leave the den.

    As for the restaurant experience, I was at that same Italian place the last time I was in NYC.

    1. I didn’t even consider that with the butterfly. I thought he just dug me.

      Oh my god! I can’t believe you went there. Isn’t the bed bug peen dessert to die for?

  4. This is my favorite trip recap (not even a recrap!) of all-time. It almost makes me not mad that you were RIGHT HERE and I missed it. I would have told you terrible jokes for FREE. And maybe even taken you to McDonald’s.

    I think you’re spot-on re: the Christian Grey scent, too.

    1. I’m sorry. I didn’t think to announce my trip because I was afraid everyone would break into my house and steal Hugo. You can understand that.

  5. I seriously know someone who started a sex museum. Somewhere. I love the photography. It’s like those old French films where you stare at people thinking their own deep and meaningful thoughts but you have no idea what they are and you are afraid if you tell anyone that you don’t like the movie they will think you are a shallow twit.

  6. Judging by the pic you took at the Empire State Building, I think we have the same friends.

    Btw, I bet that butterfly just finished reading Fifty Shades and was reenacting scenes on your body.

  7. Bed bug peens? Eww. I can’t believe James hasn’t used that in one of her books yet. I’m sure the bed bugs on Christian’s bed have the most ginormous peens on the planet. As far as the perfume goes, you know they’re going to make one. I’m reminded of the Twilight perfume they had that ripped off some other designer’s bottle. But I couldn’t imagine James ripping off anything, could you? Oh, and looks like you had a fun time, and take pictures almost as well as I can, saying I even remember to bring the camera.

    1. No, EL James would never steal anything from anyone–that kind of thinking is ludicrous. She’ll come up with the most original scent in the most original bottle that just happen to smell and look like the Twilight perfume.

  8. you are insane and i heart you. i’m commenting on your blog from a bus as i gag down motion sickness and cross the desert…wait or is it dessert? ugh, the one filled with sand!!! i think it’s dessert. anyway, is there a cactus-peen for that? this is all i long to know. sweet mother was here.

    1. It’s desert. You know the trick? Dessert has two, because you always want seconds. I seriously remember that trick from elementary school. Yet I can’t remember my new phone number.

  9. I’m planning new York for next year, you’ve saved me about 12 pounds I would have spent on a guidebook, which I can now spend on alcohol. Thank you.

      1. Is that where you are? I just need to get a visa (due to ancient misdemeanours) after that it should be a 10 year visa, I thought it was 6 months so was gonna do a mammoth trip across the whole country but with 10 years to explore I’m gonna break it down into smaller trips, first will be New York for a week and a week somewhere else, I’m gonna write to Ina Garten to see if she’ll put me up in the Hamptons.

        I will have to get some info off you (to save blocking up someone elses comment feed!), where to stay etc. I was looking at East Village apartments as I hate hotels. I just fancied being nearby some small music venues for some evening entertainment.

        I think a couple of other bloggers I love are in NY, lets’ organise a blogging convention, we can have various seminars. Know of any good venues that could hold this convention? Maybe some kind of bar where drinks are plentiful.

  10. Best travel post ever. It was peentastic! When I read about Christian’s ‘scent’, I almost choked on the BBQ Fritos I’m eating right now. I seriously almost died. By the way, I had no idea what peen meant. So my guess is I much older than you. or just out of the peen loop and not current with what the kidz are calling it these days. .

  11. Speaker 7,
    “I don’t have a picture of my meal”. You left your Instamatic behind, obviously.
    Le Clown

  12. The meagre LOL is not worthy to grace the comments section of your bloggarity.
    So I offer you GUIPAL*.
    *guffawed until I peed a little
    Just ask Le Clown. He had to change me.
    And remember…If you’ve peen one, you’ve peen them all.

  13. I am so glad you were able to get out and about and put all the recrapping behind you for a day. All the fresh air and good food seems to have done the trick.

  14. See you got a picture of Jesus sandals on the Jesus I am getting older trip. Your in front of the fern was you trying to show your non grey hair as you were wearing your but plug perfume. Every picture has a reason 😉

  15. Hey, you want to know something to make you feel extra old? People starting college this year were born in 1994. Kurt Cobain has been dead longer than they’ve been alive.

    You’re welcome.

  16. The Ghostbusters library is why I want to go to NYC. The first time I went to NYC I wasted precious time shopping a two-story JCrew store and eating cheesecake — instead I could’ve been off looking at the Ghostbusters library. I did see a bedbug peen there of course, but I could’ve seen that back in the good ol’ Midwest any day.

    You look nothing like Joe Pesci. Or Roger Rabbit. I’m disappointed.

  17. Congrats on keeping at least one of your alcohol-fueled pacts to travel together! Looks like a pact worth keeping.

  18. I was sitting here thinking about all the work I still need to get done today, when I stumbled onto your blog. Just when I was in need of a good laugh, you gave me one. Very funny post!

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