A Pad of Plugs

Very intense episode of Bachelor Pad 3 last night, people.

Wait…what the bleep did I just write? I no longer know language thanks to my Fifty Shades recrapping so I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

I meant to write: Everyone on the show is a butt plug.

Do I need to delve further or does that adequately sum up the second episode?

Well there was this:

It begins with every Friday night at every bar in America. Two drunk women are simultaneously crying and screaming at each other. “You called me a slut.”–“No I dint.” It’s fascinating. Except not at all.

It is the twins. They apparently argue a lot and drink a lot. And many of the reject bachelors and bachelorettes are annoyed by them, which says a lot since they are known as reject bachelors and bachelorettes.

This week’s challenge was selected to honor the Summer Olympics, says host Chris Harrison. And by honoring it, the Bachelor Pad contestants intend to defile it. The men and women will perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine. The worst performers will get an elimination vote cast against them, the best will receive an immunity rose.

Tony is not at all down with that. He wanted the challenge to be something more masculine or in his words, dude-like. I’m sorry to hear that Tony, but my main question is who are you? You are on this show? Okay.

So the routines are predictably awful. Erica Rose and Ed are selected as the losers, although really there are no winners on this show. Michael and Blakely win the immunity rose and a romantic three-person date just like grandma and grandpa and random guy 1 and guy 2 enjoyed in the days of yore. Michael and Blakely each have a rose they can give to save someone else.

Michael’s date is first. He chooses Rachel, Lindzi and Donna, one of the super fans. Donna, of the giant banana, digs Michael ever since she saw him humiliate himself on TV the first time.

The foursome arrives at a club, and it is obvious that the band performing has to be related to someone in the Bachelor franchise. I swear, more people attended my childhood play Who Done It? and that was performed in my grandparent’s bathroom. The lead singer emotes to the point where I fear I might see part of his lower intestine hanging from his ass while the crowd aimlessly mills around and watches Michael french kiss Rachel.

Donna, who declares this is the best date she will ever experience (Awww! So very, very sad.), tries to win Michael back by sharing a page from her Michael stalker notebook.

Michael likes it or he begins tonguing Donna to distract her from ever drawing anything again.

Michael gives the rose to Rachel. Next up is Blakely’s date. Blakely is partnered with Chris B, but Chris B. likes to make out with Jamie. He says it’s part of his “strategy,” keep friends close, but their vaginas closer.

Since Blakely has a rose up for grabs, he stealthily makes out with Blakely in her bed, which is a bunk bed she shares with Jamie. And Jamie sees them because duh. James Bond, this guy ain’t.

Blakely decides to take Chris B., Ed and Dave, the remaining male super fan, on the date. Dave almost starts to cry when she invites him, and, wow, do Americans just have so little to live for? Is this all there is? A Dorito taco from Taco Bell and the chance to go on a four-person date with a nobody? I am thoroughly depressed.

But I perk up when I see their group date is participating in a soap box derby or because I just finished half a bottle of wine. Could be the wine.

They decorate their cars and helmets. Dave goes for subtlety by making his car rose-themed.

Chris has a very measured reaction to that: “If David gets a rose, someone might die.” That would make it a way more interesting Bachelor Pad.

Dave has a heart-to-heart with Blakely and says he wished someone stood up for her on her last season, and his vote is hers. Meanwhile, Chris tells Ed he has no interest in Blakely and just wants the dough.

In a discussion with Blakely, Chris questions why she has trust issues. It’s really hard to be the biggest doucheball on Bachelor Pad–douchiness is a prerequisite–but Chris is close.

Blakely says she’s glad Dave is such a good friend and understands her so…dramatic pause…Chris will you accept this rose?

Back at the pad, people add semen to the bacteria-infested waters in the hot tub. The twins fight again and continue fighting through the night about really important issues:

One of the twins decide she’s leaving and since they play as one contestant, the other must depart as well. She says a tearful goodbye to Dave who is unconscious during the exchange:

Since the twins voluntarily left, no woman will be voted off. That leaves just the women voting for one man, and there is some pretend tension that Ed will be leaving, but it turns out to be Ryan, who wasn’t really featured on the show except to say he is a 32-year-old virgin. I hope he DVR’d that.

As I stated earlier, there are no winners.