Fifty Shades Fried

If you’ve been following my saga of self-flagellation, you would know that I have reached the third book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.

(If you have not been following and only clicked on this blog because you like fried shades, you can catch up here.)

Holy cow, gentle reader, it’s been…um…what can I say? Nearly as thrilling as the time I covered a greased piglet race at the county fair? Sure, why not. And those piglets were as sexy as a cup of hot crap, which incidentally you could get deep-fried.

I feel–to use the parlance of reality television– this journey™ must continue. It’s a journey fraught with obstacles. Clearly my ability to use English has suffered from this experience. Me is dummer than me was. My response to everything is “Holy cow” and just the sight of Ben & Jerry’s gives me a yeast infection, but continue on I must.

Jules of  Go Jules Go warned me the third book is not as smooth sailing as the other two. Considering there were times I would have chosen a sriracha sauce enema than read any further, I am worried I will not see this through.

But yet I am curious to see what happens to Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Wait, is curious the right word? I think I meant to say I am completely dead inside.

When we last left the most fantastic, incredible, beautiful, vivacious and other synonyms for dim-witted couple, they were about to legally fuse their genitalia together. Elena, Christian’s former dominant, is out of the picture, cast aside after she called Ana a lamo (WordPress autocorrected that to lamp, which also works). Ana’s former rapey boss Jack Hyde is out to get Christian and Ana, and failed to kill Christian by cutting the brakes on his helicopter or whatever implausible nonsense blah-blee-bloo.

So in this book, they should be all happy slappy, right? Well let’s find out what our two stars predict will happen:

There obviously has to be some kind of conflict, right?

Fair point. But there has to be something that happens–besides the two main characters glowering and muttering at one another and sticking things up their holes. I mean, look, this book is…578 pages long!! Are you fucking kidding me? It’s longer than the other two?!? Oh craptwat.

You know, you might be onto something, Hugo. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I really, really think it will be.


    1. As much as Hugo creeps me out, I think he needs to be a part of this blog. Maybe he will even do a guest post and start his cult that way.

  1. Mitt Romney stand-up? Bless you Goofy and Hugo. I may have to actually spend money on this series, because I am too embarrassed to be put on the hold list – the incredibly long hold list – at the public library. Not because of the sex, but because of the stupidity. This way I will fit in because I will also have lost brain cells like everyone else.

    1. It’s really not so bad. I’m not talking about the books, the books are terrible, but the loss of brain cells. It’s kind of nice being this stoopid. I like looking at leaves. They is purty. Do you like leaves? Let me know after you read the first book.

  2. Oh, the way Hugo looks at Blue Bunny in photo #2… very hot. I’m biting my lip now. He has such passion. It certainly reflects Christian’s passion. …. Oh wait, that intensity is painted on.

  3. Oh! I’ve been meaning to tell you, actually, that I’ve just completely given up on Book 3, and am instead eagerly awaiting its deep, delicious layers as told only the way Speaker (and Hugo) could.

    But I think if your expectations got any lower, you’d be in the place Ana always clenches, and that seems like a very scary place to be indeed.

  4. oh.dear.god. craptwats raised up in gratitude. never mind, what i do in the privacy of my own home is my business. i died laughing when the cucumber just shows up randomly in one of the shots. i could watch or read you doing the cartoon thing forever. seriously. it’s like candy.

    1. Craptwats is yours. Please sweetmotherize it asap. Thank you, thank you for your kind comments and support. Since you’re my idol, it means a lot.

  5. I am so glad you decided to finish this “journey”. I have read all three books and your interpretation is a million times better than the original! Please keep going…. I am going to miss Hugo when you finally get to the end!

      1. I skipped all the sex after about halfway through the first book – toooooo boring! – and I made it a game to rewrite it in my head as I went along. It was so badly written that more than once I wanted to throw it out the window, but the only thing that kept me going was I wanted to know whether Ana would see the light or not and what would happen to them in the end. I’d got too far in to just abandon them part way despite the fact that it grated on my nerves every time I read “Holy Cow” or how much her insides were clenching in anticipation. My own insides were clenching but not half as much as my jaw whenever I read about hers!!!

  6. I’ve gone back over all your posts and, specifically, the dialog you presented as uttered by Hugo/Christian. It forms a mathematical sequence oddly similar to the musings of Lao-Tse in his creation of the tenets of Taoism. I’m working on Ana’s now.

    1. Huh. That would explain so much. I’ve been feeling so much more harmonious since reading these books. Wait is harmonious the right word? What is the word where you feel like your head is splitting in two?

  7. At first, when I started reading this post, I was all like “gee, maybe it has spoilers, since I haven’t read it I wouldn’t want to ruin the experi…” then I realized I’d rather gouge out my eyes than read any of the 50 grades of shite – but thank you for taking the hit on behalf of your fellow bloggers 🙂

  8. You’re hilarious. I only wish I had discovered your blog sooner! Your take on this series is awesome. (And the images are so funny.) It’s refreshing to see how many people can’t stand this series. I will never understand the obsession!

  9. Are you stalling here? I get the sense that this post, no matter how entertaining it was to us gentle readers, was to allow you time to heal from the past two books. Well, you had your break. Back to work now, my friend.

    I’ve been wanting to know for a while — did Hugo have lips at any point in time and did they simply fall off due to his aging rubber face?

    1. There may be a bit of reluctance to start, but I did have to watch Bachelor Pad and write about that because that is essential to the functioning of our democracy. And then I have to recover from the vicarious herpes so it might be a few days.

      You know, I blocked all memory of Hugo from my childhood because have you looked at Hugo? I’m not sure about the lips.

  10. This is hilarious. I discovered your 50-shades series today and read the whole thing in one sitting. That’s much further than I got with the actual 50-shades book.

  11. Super glad you’re continuing on. I will forge ahead as well! But, Lord help me, when I’m finished I’m reading some freaking Ruth Rendell or Patricia Cornwell or a classic or something. Anything.

  12. I made it through the 3rd book and have lived to tell the tale. Oh, it will hurt, really hurt. I read as fast as I could and with every word, I cursed my need to finish the book just for closure.

    Truly, the genius of the book is that it forces us all to explore our own tolerance for pain and domination. By the time you finish the 3rd book, you will have so much more compassion for both main “characters” because you will find you have the same kind of self-loathing as they do, and will also be turned on by pain and humiliation.

    Okay, I really didn’t mean that. I had to drink a double whiskey to even joke about compassion for either one of those assholes.

    The 3rd book is like watching a massive train wreck and knowing that you are powerless to either stop it or look away.

  13. The Slo-Man had avowedly no intentions of reading this Fifty Shades whatever. Unfortunately, he found your blog, now he’s going to have to read it.

    Damn you, Speaker7, you’ve melted the Slo-Man’s resolve and turned him into quivering mass of laughter!

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