Lots of revelations in pages 301-350 of Fifty Shades Darker: Bride of Chucky. Crap! I just soiled my pants again. Third time since I started this post. That’s because the revelations are just sooooo revelatory. It’s just like in the film The Sixth Sense when we find out M. Night Shyamalan will go on to make a series of terrible movies. Except that one where the trees cause people to stick knives in their faces…no, I’m sorry that was also really, really bad.
(For previous recraps, click here)
So strap on some Depends® because shit just got 60 shades darker. And I don’t even know what that means!?!
Remember Leila? And the “danger”? Yeah, I didn’t either, but holy crap suspense! She’s, like, in Ana’s apartment.
No seriously, the phone call is coming from inside the house. Inside the house! So Ana goes to her apartment to pick up her roommate’s brother, and she gets buzzed inside. But it isn’t her roommate’s brother. It’s Leila.
And Leila’s got a gun.
I’ll give you a second to process that and also change into fresh pair of Depends®. You know what? You might as well forgo the adult diaper and just lay a piece of tarp on the floor to catch the freely flowing defecation.
Ana’s hair follicles tighten with terror when she sees Leila. Ana might want to see a doctor because that is a very bizarre physiological reaction–if she survives this incredibly plausible ordeal. Oh my god! This is, like, so tense and crap.
Leila looks like the little girl from The Ring. She speaks in sing song and wonders why Ana looks like her and “Why does Master like us like this. . . Master is dark.”
See? That’s why it’s called Darker Shades of Glop.
Christian bursts through the door, and Ana feels the “charge” between Christian and Leila and gets all jealous and refuses to leave because what if he kisses Leila and stuff?
And then Christian orders his man servant to carry Ana out and drive her back to his apartment, and Ana’s all like….Whaatttt!!! He loves Leila! Because she is clearly a giant, fucking idiot and has the emotional depth of a Hot Pocket®.
Ana instead gets her drink on with her roommate’s brother.
She finally goes back to Christian’s apartment for the showdown of the century. This is just as tense as the time Kim Kardashian got her butt x-rayed to prove it was a real butt.
Ana says “Look you clearly like stringy sewer rats and I’m not as good as that.” Christian says “No” and shakes his head and says “No” and clenches his jaw and says “No” and bends his knee and says “No” and squeezes his eyes shut so tightly that eyeball fluid flows down his cheeks.
And then he becomes a submissive.
Just go with it, okay. It makes perfect sense.
So Ana and her three brain cells have to get him back. She twirls her vagina in his face, but that doesn’t seem to work.
So she opts for confession:
“I just don’t get why (you) like me.”
So, so complex…if one was a 7th grader.
He snaps out of it because E.L. James needs him to, and he explains why he wanted Ana to leave him alone with Leila, which was understood by the rest of the planet when it first initially happened.
Big confession time. This is almost as earth shattering as the time that one Bachelor chose that one person on The Bachelor VIIMCII and everyone was, like, her?
“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore–my birth mother,” Christian says.
Jeez, that’s going to make Christian’s sub/dom 2012 reunion super awkward, you guys!
Ana’s all like, does he think his crack whore birth mom is prettier than me?
Then he asks her to marry him.
Are you even listening anymore.
Whoops! I meant to say, what?
Yup. And honestly what gal could say no to: “I like to beat girls who resemble my crack whore birth mother. Marry me”?
Ana says she needs some time to process. Christian asks if she’s hungry and his “eyes frost” when she confesses to not eating. I love the whole eating stuff, it’s just so stuff and stuff, you know what I’m saying and stuff?
He gets her to eat macaroni and cheese, which she calls “nursery food” because she’s an asshole. Then Ana decides she wants to know what Christian did with Leila.
He gave her a bath and packed her off to a mental institution. Ana freaks out about the naked bathness. This is the straw that broke the vaginal ball’s back. To hear it in all it’s crap glory, click on the audio:
Ana goes to bed and then wakes up and thinks Crapballs then she hears Christian screaming. He’s having a nightmare. He lets her touch his chest and they rub genitalia.
Ana says she wants to talk to his therapist about Christian’s private therapy sessions. “Sure, why not?” Christian says.
Ana gets to work late and her boss Jack Hyde is a pissy shitbag.
And that’s where its ends. So much, so much to process. So much feces to clean up, thank god for the tarp, right?
Will Ana marry Christian? Will Christian be able to overcome his desire to beat brunettes who look like his crack whore birth mom? Will Ana get to work on time the next day?