Fifty Pages of A Lot of Nothing (Fifty Shades Darker: pgs. 201-250)

Christian Grey buys Anastasia Steele a Saab to replace the vandalized Audi. If you want to know how the Audi was vandalized or who the bleep are Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, click here.

They eat seafood chowder, drink beer and blather about topics no human is interested in at some pub on the marina.

They sail in Christian’s yacht. They drop anchor in a secluded bay and bang in the master bedroom.

They head back to the marina and eat dinner at a little Italian bistro next to the pub. Ana orders risotto. We don’t find out what Christian orders–Fuck! That’s going to be driving me crazy all day. More great conversation:

They drive back to Christian’s apartment. Christian’s tense because he’s worried about Leila still. They grind in the elevator. Ana flirts with Christian’s man servant Taylor and Christian sulks in the corner and sucks his thumb. They bicker about Ana going to work because of the “danger”.

They play a game of pool in the billiards room, and make a bet. If Ana wins, she gets a romp in the red room of pain. If Christian wins, he gets to do whatever. Christian wins. He spanks her with a ruler, and sticks his flesh pool cue in her flesh billiard pocket.

That’s all that happened, and somehow E.L. James manage to stretch that out for 50 excruciating pages, pages 201-250 to be specific. There is a conversation about car models and car colors. There is a lengthy passage describing the interior of the yacht. Everything is “all pale wood” and there are doors and steps and walls and air and atoms that become molecules and deep, fucking despair on my part. You would have to read it to believe it.

And that’s why I made you this. This audio track takes an excerpt from pages 213-216 if you want to follow along with your copy. Just to give you some background, they’ve taken six years of my life to get on the goddamn yacht named The Grace and now are finally fucking sailing it because jesus christ, who gives a shit:


    1. You are a treasure trove of amazing merchandizing ideas. The Fifty Shade Hoo-Hah
      Shade™. I’m seeing it more as a shade that covers the hoo-hah, then you lift it up to let the sun in.

    1. It’s like so good to like hear aloud…and holy cow, did I just write that…but wait there’s a tree..oh you like trees, do you, you little bitch sneers my subconscious rearing her bespectacled face into my bespectacled face of bespectacledness…

      It’s like poetry and stuff.

  1. I can tell you really REALLY liked this book a lot! Obviously, the complex nuance, elegant writing and compelling narrative is why it’s been on the NY Times best-sellers list for 20 weeks. Every real writer is in total despair…I can’t even bring myself to listen to your thoughtful audio clip!

    1. I think you would like the audio because it adds even more complex nuance to the elegant writing. There are car horns and comedy whistles and sitcom laughter. Very, very classy.

  2. After discussing the drivel that we believe 50 Shades to be on FB today, a friend and I were directed to your blog. Honestly, your blog (and the exchange with my friend about it) makes listening to those who are actually reading the books less like torture.

  3. Know what is so appealing about these books? The non-stop action. That’s why they’re so popular. And why I won’t read them. Too much heart-stopping suspense is bad for my heart. Thanks again for reading them so that I don’t have to.

  4. The audio was a very nice, very weird touch. And now I’m off to The Google because I have to know more about this literary genius that is EL James…

      1. This explains so much (from FAQs):

        What is your writing process?

        I start off with a very simple premise. In the case of the Fifty Shades Trilogy my premise was, What would happen if you were attracted to somebody who was into the BDSM lifestyle, when you weren’t? I often have a loose timeline to work with, but I don’t feel bound to it – I let the characters dictate what happens. I often listen to music to evoke a mood – I will listen to the same song over and over again when I am lost in a scene. Also, I’m obsessed with the geography – ie where everything is in a particular room, and the choreography of scenes – whose hand goes where when! And I like to have a visual reference for everything.

      2. In replying to your comment, I first went through an exercise where I imagined what would happen if I replied to a comment made by someone who read my post, when I, myself, hadn’t read the post. I decided to let Hugo and Goofy dictate what happened while we listened to Rebecca Black’s Friday–like we do every Friday. I became lost in it. Where the #$#^&! should I sit in the car? And then I thought about where my hands were in the room. Should it go in the refrigerator or should it go into the garbage disposal? And then I wrote this, and it will sell a bajillion copies.

      3. “E L James is currently working on a new love story…” [From ‘About the Author’ page]

        WTF. Please let that be a lie. On the bright side, I smell new recraps…

  5. Holy crapballs! What can’t you do?! This was incredible; I’m starting to think you read audio books for a living. (And I especially appreciated the chipmunk laugh added to the track. I actually used that same clip in earnest for my 1-year blogoversary video.)

    The caption about the spork killed me, too!

    1. I’m hoping to launch my career in reading audio books from this. Pride and Prejudice would sound sooooo dope with a few chipmunk chuckles.

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