Fifty Sighs of Relief (pgs. 451-528)

It’s here, gentle reader.

The final post of Speaker7 Wearily Proudly Presents a Cliff Notes Version of 50 Shades of Grey with Pivotal Scenes Reenacted by Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces, and Goofy, the recently named blue bunny. If you missed out on the first nine posts then you were born under a lucky star. If you enjoy torment and the overuse of the word “crap”, click here. Incidentally these recraps might be turned into a Hollywood movie with the part of Speaker7 being played by the reanimated corpse of Rin Tin Tin.

It seemed like only yesterday I read the holy craptastic description of Christian Grey pouring himself into Anastasis Steele the first time. But that was a week ago, and the pouring of his seed continued to crop up every third page. It happened so often I expected to read of something growing out of Ana’s down there, like a holy-cowing swamp monster.

Let’s end this.

Ana and Christian go gliding. They try to exchange bodily fluids in the plane, but are thwarted by the plane’s design and gravity. Christian humps Ana’s leg a little after they land. Ana thinks Holy fuck! 

They eat at IHOP because we can never go for more than two pages without Christian’s food obsession cropping up. The waitress begins drooling and blushing the minute she sees Christian because, why not? Why have one woman be normal in this book, right? Christian demands Ana eat all of the pancakes in the restaurant and then the restaurant itself.

Christian has a work “situation” he must attend and flies back to Seattle. Over the phone, Ana senses his eyebrows are arched in a I’m-kinda-mad-and-stuff way. Oh crap noggin’ Ana breathes and farts loudly.

She decides to email him. Wow, this is new! Oh wait, this has been done 4,321,245 other times.

Ana’s phone rings. She breathily answers “Crap?” and learns she has a job as a vaginal ball model publishing something or other. “Crap, yes,” she murmurs into the phone and does a few gleeful kegels.

She flies back to Seattle. Christian’s man servant drives her to Christian’s home. When Christian sees her, he blasts her with a fire hydrant’s worth of semen. He still seems kinda pissy though.

Before Ana can murmur or mutter “What’s up, dawg?”, he has her head into the Red Room of Pain for sexy time.

There Christian blindfolds her, restrains her to the bed and turns on Insane Clown Posse’s Greatest Hits at full blast. How do fucking magnets work? Ana wonders as she listens to the music, and her down there muscles clench and shrug and vibrate and expand.

He uses many implements:

They leave the red room of pain and do it again–maybe, I don’t honestly remember, but I have a 90% chance of being correct. Ana wakes up and finds Christian playing a solemn version of “I’m Sexy and I know It” on the piano.

Ana brings up the contract. She still hasn’t signed. Christian doesn’t think that’s necessary as long as she follows his rules:

Big discussion time.

Ana: I don’t like the spanking.

Christian: Well I do.

Ana: Okay, spank me as hard as you can because…uh…why now? Let me think. It will change him. Yes!

So he beats her with his belt. Romance!

For three seconds Ana is not a used-up tissue and says “Holy cow. This sucks. Bye.” Christian glowers and murmurs and taps his elongated fingers together and sneers a lip.

Ana cries and leaves him a glider model kit:

She surrenders herself to her grief. And we are done!

Now I’ve been going back and forth with my broken soul whether to continue on and recrap the second book Fifty New Uses for Anal Beads.

I leave the decision to you, gentle reader, as a good Submissive should.

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23 comments

  1. The poll does not lie my friend! And I was going to mention Gallgher, too! And the sit and spin! Amazing.

    “’Crap, yes,’ she murmurs into the phone and does a few gleeful kegels.” HA HA!

    But as a warning: I STILL can’t get through the third book. I’m actually disappointed in myself. This is supposed to be my thing. But I’d so much rather read your thing.

    1. Holy crap! I am not looking forward to that third book. Of course I have to get over the hurdle of the second book to get there and I’m really not looking forward to that.

    1. You comments about Frog are they reason he was placed in the Red Room of Pain. I will be more than happy to make him a central character in the next round, and of course you can play the role of the inner goddess.

  2. I’ll tell you why I voted yes. And why this is the first time you’re seeing me in your comments.

    You have to read the rest of the books because I have to read the rest of the books because of a sick, twisted, obsessive need to finish books that I start, even when the intense suckage of said books cause searing pain in my soul. And these posts of yours on the first book have been just so very quite really good. If I had never read the first book, I would not have enjoyed your posts as much. So the pain of having to read Books 2 and 3 will be eased if you read them too and continue to recrap!

    Oh, and Jules told me about your posts when I told her on her blog that I had renamed the book in my head to Fifty Shades of Crap. She said I had to read your recraps and she was totally right. I think “Fifty Shades on Repeat” was the first one I read. You had me at Crap.

    1. There is something about a linguist using the word “crap” that makes me giggle. Actually, there is something about a linguist reading Fifty Shades of Crap that makes me guffaw!! Thanks for that, Leonore!

  3. I would like to please explain my vote of “Holy turd nugget! Of course.” From a purely selfish perspective, I would LOVE for you to give this treatment to more of these craptastic books. You are brilliant and hilarious and I love it. HOWEVER. If you feel that your brain will die and slow and horrible death as a result of reading more of this garbage, then you must put your own health first. You are your own first priority.

  4. THIS IS AMAZING.Amazing because this is the worst book in the world, and amazing because I’ve done something very similar! Check me out – we obviously share the same chronic disdain for this truly appalling book. Your reviews are brilliant, I laughed until I holy crapped myself 🙂

  5. My second vote after the “Holy turd nugget! Of course.” option would be an ongoing series with just the Red Room of Pain. Oh my god, the sit-and-spin is a sex toy, isn’t it? Thank god my kids don’t use theirs…and what does it say about me if it was my favorite childhood toy?

    I tip my weird checkered vaudevillian hat to you for making it through the entire book. Two more! Do it.

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