Fifty Types of Vaginal Balls (pgs. 351-400)

We’re almost at the finish line.

Are we? I feel like I’ve been reading 50 Shades of Grey for 16 years enclosed inside a torture cage in one of those CIA black sites.

That’s really hot!

Shut up, Ana. Not everything is hot. For example, my life force. It’s nearly depleted. And mild salsa. That just tastes like tomatoes.

Okay, we are at pages 351-400, and so much has happened. You can read vivid recraps by clicking here or I can give a very short summary of the events thus far. Ana bit her lip; Christian arched and pursed his lip eyebrow; a well-endowed train slammed through a moistened tunnel; a rocket blasted into space and fucked a black hole with vigor; a clam shell was cracked open by a fire hose; an addled sock puppet said “crap” and “holy cow”; and Christian made Ana watch Love Guru as punishment.

The doltish duo returns from a night of eating food at a family dining table and screwing in a family boathouse. Ana wants to touch Christian, but he says “Ew. Girls have cooties and I’m 50 shades of fucked up.”

She says “What’s up, dawg?” He purses his lip and his eyes burn a hole in his pants. “I’ll let you spank me, if you tell me something painful from your painful childhood, dealsies?” Ana says.

Christians leaves for a second and returns with a box:

He sexily pumps the Play-doh Factory’s arm up and down.

Christian uses the special Play-doh shoe-horn to insert said vaginal balls:

Guess what? They don’t have sex, but instead use the vaginal balls to play a game of marbles.

I’m kidding. They do have sex because that is all they ever do. Afterwards Christian retracts his penis and says “My birth mother was a crack whore. G’night.”

The next morning they have desk sex in Christian’s office:

Ana meets Christian’s housekeeper Mrs. Jones. Christian asks Mrs. Jones to tidy up his collection of vaginal balls and Play-doh implements. Ana leaves to get ready for her two interviews. At one of the interviews, the boss’s penchant for cocking his head and arching his eyebrows remind her of Christian. Uh-oh could this boss possibly interfere in this fantastic relationship? I can’t wait to find out or I can wait to find out and spend the rest of my life never knowing. Yes the latter feels as right as a well-placed set of vaginal balls.

Ana leaves for her flight to Georgia to see her mother and think things out away from Christian’s gigantic member. She walks through the metal scanner. It buzzes. She deftly removes the vaginal balls and tries again. When she gets up to the check-in gate, she finds Christian has upgraded her ticket to first class and requested she receive a full body cavity search from the TSA. Ana is pissed about the upgrade.

To move the story along without all the sexy, holy-crap fucking, Christian and Ana sexily email one another:

Ana sends Christian a stream-of-consciousness email about all her deep penetrating thoughts about crap and stuff:

And that’s it. . . so many interesting plot twists, so many unanswered questions. Will Ana sign the dominant/submissive contract? Can Christian change and let Ana lick his chest hairs without cringing? What color will his cock ring be?

Till next time, gentle reader.

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29 comments

  1. LOL! Once again, I must say this series of posts is GENIUS! I seriously stopped reading the book and come here to find out what happened 🙂 This is one of the best installments yet, and I laughed out loud. Vagina balls! Who knew such a thing existed? Thank you FSOG – you have now made my life complete!

    1. The bunny’s going to have to be soaked in bleach or set on fire after this is complete. My son doesn’t seem too interested in either although he does call Hugo “baby”.

  2. I have yet to figure out why these books are best-sellers. Your version HAS to be better.

    I apologize if this shows up twice. My computer doesn’t think I am worthy of commenting on your blog and is telling me so.

    1. I am flummoxed by their popularity as well. It is honestly like reading the same sentences over and over again. “‘Please don’t be mad at me,’ (Ana) whispers,” “‘Miss Steele, you beguile me,’ Christian murmurs” – these sentences are repeated 4,000 times in the book. It’s maddening.

  3. Okay, from the time I read, “Does this mean we’re going steady?”, I completely, and totally lost it. (Fortunately by ‘lost it’ I don’t mean my balls of any kind.)

    Oh my god. I’m crying. The Play-Doh! Have I mentioned you’re my hero?

    1. Am I the wind beneath your wings? Or better yet, the riding crop above your bum if we were to go with a 50 Shades analogy. Why don’t we stick with the first one.

  4. You’re much braver than I. These posts are hilarious, but I suspect there’s a brain-cell holocaust going on inside your head from having read all this crap.

  5. I forgot to stumble upon this last recrap of the first book in the series that must-not-be-named.
    My subconscious has a question: will Hugo be cast as Christian Grey in the movie? He should.

      1. I’ll join you. I could choke them with Ana’s panties or Grey’s tie. Don’t worry, I will wear biohazard gloves before touching the panties or tie.

  6. What the heck is a vaginal ball?!

    Thanks for this. I’ve been hearing about it and hearing about it and hearing about it, but no one ever actually tells me the plot, or what it’s about or how good the writing is. (LOOOOLLLLLL!)

    Anway, thanks for this, so I don’t have to read it.

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