50 Whacks with a Wooden Spoon (pgs. 251-300)

Okay where are we? Pages 251-300. Just let me hit myself in the face with a frying pan and I’ll be ready to go.

If you are new to this series, you can read the other recraps to catch up or you can go outside and enjoy yourself:

But first a word from our sponsor:

Oh yeah, gentle reader, this is where things get…um…what’s the word I’m looking for? Crap? No, not crap…um…constipated? Sure let’s go with that.

So Ana has agreed to be Christian’s submissive. He comes over her house to go over the soft limits, e.g. butt squeegees, anal handcuffs, etc.

He gives her a new Audi and “fists” her hair when she doesn’t seem that pleased. Then it’s the sexy time part with the sexing and the timing and the thrusting and the licking and the grunting and the arrghhing and the inner goddess–wait a second. I should really pick out a character to represent the inner goddess. She is in this story an awful lot with the emphasis on awful. What is an inner goddess, you may ask? I have no fucking clue. My inner goddess is now weeping.

Here is Ana’s:

I should also pick a character to represent the stern, disapproving, ho-calling subconscious. She is one mean mo-fo.

Okay with that out of the way, let’s get to the sexing.

And more sexing:

And even more sexing:

Christian then wants to know when Ana will next menstruate. Crap sausage, that’s personal Ana thinks as Christian’s condom narrowly misses her face. They have some conversation about something…I don’t know…box scores, rat traps, Pepsi vs. Coke? I don’t know, but Ana rolls her eyes and Christian says it’s time for the spanking. That is so…troubling hot.

Christian leaves Ana with the advice to take two Advil. What? Yes, Advil, you can run your ad again:

Ana is all bummer in the summer. She’s blue, but her ass is red. Crap, this sucks. I’m double-crapped sad crap boo-boo, she thinks. She emails Christian:

He comes back, gives her Advil (not again, Advil) and spends the night. The next day, he sends her a BlackBerry at work:

I peeked ahead. Next section includes a gynecological exam. Crap, that’s hot. Where’s that frying pan?


  1. Dear Crap! This is laugh out loud funny. Sometime about the “You are a ho and you have an overdue library book whorezilla” just freakin’ floored me. And the inner goddess. All of it. All. This is so funny. You should just write a book — this is publishable for those who want a different slant on the 50 shades of Crap. Crap-fabulous.

  2. I had the same “jesus christ” reaction as the subconscious librarian action figure…probably because I would not want to have to clean up that can of Fancy Feast.

    1. Are you telling me your inner goddess doesn’t hop around and wear cheerleading outfits and pee all over the floor? Hmmm..maybe my stomach is the one doing that.

  3. The laughing, much like the name-calling subconscious in “50 Shades of Grey”, never lets up when I read your posts. From the Magna Doodle to the ‘even the cart’ to the ‘also comes in white’… holy crap balls. My face now hurts from laughing. Pass the Advil.

  4. I am growing more and more tired at the presence of “50 Shades of Grey” in the news. I am beyond over it. Please. Don’t. Stop. I mean, please don’t stop.

    Love seeing a chicken from the farm. Did you have the farm? We never had the car park. You must be rich. (smile)

    Keep on writing, Speaker7.

    1. We do have the farm complete with the silo. The car park is sweet, I won’t lie, but my son broke the elevator when he stuck a fake piece of broccoli into it.

  5. I may end up buying this book just to see if it’s as craptastic as you make it to be. Careful cause you may end up getting a thank you from the author for an increase in sales. 😛

  6. I still can’t get over “down there.” I prefer hoo-ha as a vagina euphamism.

    Also, I’m getting the impression that Ana is pretty one-dimensional I think blue bunny is woefully miscast, as her charisma eats the lens. Or maybe she’s just being forced to eat the lens. I’m so confused.

  7. I feel a little guilty that I’ve been reading all these posts and laughing my ass off without commenting, but there was no way – NO WAY – I could resist letting you know how much I love the phrase, “I’m as moist as a can of Fancy Feast down there.” It’s officially in my lexicon now, and I plan to use it at every opportunity.

  8. I feel like popping an Advil now — I have no idea what is compelling me to do so. Perhaps its not-so-subliminal sponsorship of 50 Shades of Black-and-Blue.

    Whoever bought you that librarian superhero must be the coolest person on the planet.

  9. Boomer Lane recommended you and I LOVE your posts. Ive also noticed Ana is always really wet, if inner goddess (yuk) and subconscious are also that wet, I think umbrellas would have to be hard limits.

  10. Warning: TMI. When I saw the picture of the grocery cart I laughed so hard that I peed a little. Where the feck did THAT come from? Did you steal it from a child? How do they feel about Hugo raping a stuffed bunny in the cart? You are twisted, sister.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s