Ana agrees to be Christian’s submissive in the latest 50 pages of Fifty Ways to Describe Crap. For previous recraps that will not make you beg for more, click here, here, here and here.
This could probably have been completed in one paragraph–heck, one sentence even. I will show you.
“I’ll do it,” Ana says looking at her hands then biting her lip. Not the best move, glowers her subconscious, pushing her half-moon spectacles onto her face. Tra-la-la trills Ana’s inner goddess, churning her arms in the style of the cabbage patch.
I was wrong. It does take more than one sentence when you have to consider Ana’s multiple personality disorder. It takes three, but E.L. James manages to stretch out this decision for 50 pages.
There’s some lip biting.
There is murmuring and muttering interspersed with utterances of crap, holy crap and holy shit.
Eyes are flashing and hooded and unreadable and intense and grey-colored.
Questions remain about certain provisions of the BDSM contract:
There are moments when Ana feels as if her body is being electrified by Christian, which makes me wonder if he is actually an electrical socket rather than a person, and she is constantly being shocked when she sticks her tongue into it. That would make a much more interesting book, and explain Ana’s brain damage.
A bear shits in the woods. It doesn’t say that specifically in the book, but that has to happen, right?
There is the gnashing of teeth to break down food into particles for quicker digestion and then remarks of “Eat” and “I’m not hungry” and so forth. See:
So much of the same themes we’ve seen in the previous 200 pages, which is why this book would make the greatest drinking game of all time. Here let me show you:
That’s pretty much it. I do want to include a picture I took today of Hugo and Goofy since I posed them outside and I am 100 percent sure my neighbor was watching. Ana graduates with a bachelor’s degree in lip-biting. Christian, a huge benefactor of the college (the name of which I’m too lazy to look up), is conferring the degrees. This is where she agrees to be his submissive:
For the next 50 pages, I will be following the 50 Shades of Grey Drinking Game.
Speaker7 
Oh, the game is good. I might read this just to play the game.
It makes the reading easier to take.
The best one yet!
Thank you. I think the projectile vomiting is what makes it soar.
Fantastic. Again. Since I’m never going to read this crapwad, I started a drinking game for this blog post series. I’m wasted and I thank you for that.
Your neighbors cannot possibly think you’re more crazy than when I posed ketchup and mustard bottles in my backyard and covered them with dirt and chunky salsa. Well, maybe.
I’m not sure which seems crazier. Defiling condiments is a bit strange, but that was a once in a lifetime thing. My neighbors are witnessing me parade around with a blue bunny and half-bodied puppet on a daily basis. I also talk to Hugo and he tells me to do things.
Can’t you just tell me how many times each thing occurs? I’ll drink accordingly and call it a game. After that, I might even be ready to read the book myself.
Holy cow! – 1,245,657 times
Crap! – 2,354,344,902 times
bite lips – 14,256,890,456 times
Christian eyes doing things: 200,345,678,904,231 times
Something has haunted me since your last post. Did Christian really reveal in the book that he was made a sex slave at age 15 or was that your addition?
Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler totally creeped me out, too. Ick!
Um…yes. That is not my invention, but I’m sure E.L. James will handle it with finesse, compassion and tact.
Something is wrong here…this is kind of making me want to read the book more (and I didn’t want to read it before). Maybe I just want to get drunk.
I would suggest just getting drunk.
Does the book really say “inner goddess”? Cause that’s hysterical.
It does. A lot. And the inner goddess does things like salsas and cheerleads and moans. It’s…um…awesome?
I wanna play! Dibs on the cattle prod. 😛
You’ll have to be very quick and alert because the food thing crops up every three pages.
I have a few people on my facebook friends list who are reading this book and ooing and awing…and it just makes me laugh.
I’m not reading that book but I’m still playing…in my heart.
My inner goddess and subconscious are both weeping at this, which is astounding because usually they never agree on anything.
So are all these posts covering just the first booklike-thing? Cuz there are three, right? How in the world is this stretched thrice? And, more importantly, are you going to translate all the way to the gruesome end?
My inner goddess would personally choose a graduation cap shaped like a butt plug. I would have chosen death by IRS nagging over reading these books before your posts, 7. Now. I would even add having to spend weekends in the red room. 4 for 4, 7.
Okay. “A bear sh*t in the woods” and “I’m joking, you may drink whatever you like” both had me in stitches.
We really SHOULD play a drinking game. Also, I’m afraid to tell you this because you already said you’re devoid of emotion thanks to the first book alone, but even *I* am struggling to make it through the third book.
ROFL! Your posts are better than the books!
she-sus christ, i can not tell you how much i have enjoyed this series. i may not have been commenting, but, OH, i have been reading. ‘turd nugget’ is my new safe word and it’s your fault. and i can not thank you enough from saving me from buying this piece of poo. i mean, who needs the porno version of ‘twilight’ – no one, by god, no one.
oh, and lastly, i’ve issued you a blog challenge: http://www.sweetmotherlover.wordpress.com
I fully expect you to reject it. but, i have issued it, nonetheless.
xo, mother
Bwahahaaa! I love your breakdown of the book. I played the Drinking Game while I read 2/3 of the book (I just… couldn’t… finish… it…) and I tipped back a few bottles of wine. Not even kidding. I’d become an alcoholic if forced to read the entire trilogy.
well, I didn’t realize drinking was involved with this book, sign me up.
This reminds me of Twilight. I finally decided to read some of it (to shut most of my friends up) and I do believe she described Edward’s lips as being ‘pursed’ or ‘pursed into a thin line’ or ‘thinly pressed together in the shape of a purse’ about 10 million times.
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Crying, Speaker. I. Am. Crying. I love that you got your neighbor in on the business. Kudos.
I’m sure my neighbor enjoyed my photo shoot.