It can’t all be humping and genital wax (is that a thing?). Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and do a little expository writing to move the “story” along.
This, gentle reader, is what happens in pages 151-200 of Fifty Shades of Glop. Christian does tie Ana up and cause her to explode and break into pieces simply by blinking his eyes (like all men can), but for the most part, in this section we get some insight into the nature of their soon-to-be “relationship”. We get a full-length legal contract (HOT!!!) and an IT house call (HOTTER!!) and emails (HOT CRAP!). For previous installments, click here, here and here.
Today a stray cat got into my car when I left the driver’s side door open and headed back into the house. I first thought it was a squirrel, but then realized it was a cat. Normally this would provoke a reaction. Maybe a startled gasp or a “What the fuckity fuck fuck!!!!” but I felt nothing. This is what this book is doing to me. I am losing the ability to feel.
Let’s carry on!!
Christian has a mommy. She shows up post-orgasm. Christian has “just-fucked hair” observes Ana. They murmur at each other. Ana pees on the floor (maybe).
Christian drives her home. E.L. James spends some time pointing out that he has Mariner baseball caps in the glove compartment. Great. Now I know everything.
They stop to eat because Christian has a little issue with food (BOOM! says foreshadowing hammer). He orders wine. Ana pouts because she wanted Diet Coke. “Stop biting your lip,” he orders. “Poop on you,” she sasses back. Or something. In between murmuring and hooding their eyes (whatever that is), Christian discloses that a friend of his mother’s made him her sex slave when he was 15. Then they get appetizers.
Christian drops Ana off and she begins to feel despondent about being apart from a man who can simultaneously curl and arch both eyebrows. It also appears that Ana hears multiple voices because now there is an inner goddess who bickers with Ana’s subconscious:
Now Ana has time to ice her down there and also read Christian’s BDSM contract.
There are appendixes! Holy toaster strudel! moans my inner goddess.
The deal breaker for Ana is Appendix 4 which lists the acceptable foods to eat. The giving-up-complete-control-of-mind-and-body is no biggie, however. She is fantastic! Craptastic even! Feminism for all!
Christian buys Ana a laptop because she lives in 1994, and is the only person under 25 who doesn’t know how to use a computer. The computer comes with an IT guy to set it up, and he’s a dickhead so for the first time something rings true in the book (sorry any readers employed in the IT field. You are wonderful and I love you).
She sees she instantly has an email from Christian. We luckily get to see their correspondence in full:
A little while later, Ana sends a joke email giving Christian the kiss off. This makes lots of sense because Christian is not the slightest bit humorless or devoid of any emotion.
He shows up at her apartment, and they have a rational conversation about expectations and guidelines about their pending relationship. I’m joking. They f*** hard because…um, why else would anyone be reading this?
Only 314 pages to go!