Fifty Pages of Gobbilygook (pgs. 151-200)

It can’t all be humping and genital wax (is that a thing?). Sometimes you’ve got to take a step back and do a little expository writing to move the “story” along.

This, gentle reader, is what happens in pages 151-200 of Fifty Shades of Glop. Christian does tie Ana up and cause her to explode and break into pieces simply by blinking his eyes (like all men can), but for the most part, in this section we get some insight into the nature of their soon-to-be “relationship”.  We get a full-length legal contract (HOT!!!) and an IT house call (HOTTER!!) and emails (HOT CRAP!). For previous installments, click here, here and here.

Today a stray cat got into my car when I left the driver’s side door open and headed back into the house. I first thought it was a squirrel, but then realized it was a cat. Normally this would provoke a reaction. Maybe a startled gasp or a “What the fuckity fuck fuck!!!!” but I felt nothing. This is what this book is doing to me. I am losing the ability to feel.

Let’s carry on!!

Christian has a mommy. She shows up post-orgasm. Christian has “just-fucked hair” observes Ana. They murmur at each other. Ana pees on the floor (maybe).

Christian drives her home. E.L. James spends some time pointing out that he has Mariner baseball caps in the glove compartment. Great. Now I know everything.

They stop to eat because Christian has a little issue with food (BOOM! says foreshadowing hammer). He orders wine. Ana pouts because she wanted Diet Coke. “Stop biting your lip,” he orders. “Poop on you,” she sasses back. Or something. In between murmuring and hooding their eyes (whatever that is), Christian discloses that a friend of his mother’s made him her sex slave when he was 15. Then they get appetizers.

Christian drops Ana off and she begins to feel despondent about being apart from a man who can simultaneously curl and arch both eyebrows. It also appears that Ana hears multiple voices because now there is an inner goddess who bickers with Ana’s subconscious:

Now Ana has time to ice her down there and also read Christian’s BDSM contract.

There are appendixes! Holy toaster strudel! moans my inner goddess.

The deal breaker for Ana is Appendix 4 which lists the acceptable foods to eat. The giving-up-complete-control-of-mind-and-body is no biggie, however. She is fantastic! Craptastic even! Feminism for all!

Christian buys Ana a laptop because she lives in 1994, and is the only person under 25 who doesn’t know how to use a computer. The computer comes with an IT guy to set it up, and he’s a dickhead so for the first time something rings true in the book (sorry any readers employed in the IT field. You are wonderful and I love you).

She sees she instantly has an email from Christian. We luckily get to see their correspondence in full:

A little while later, Ana sends a joke email giving Christian the kiss off. This makes lots of sense because Christian is not the slightest bit humorless or devoid of any emotion.

He shows up at her apartment, and they have a rational conversation about expectations and guidelines about their pending relationship. I’m joking. They f*** hard because…um, why else would anyone be reading this?

Only 314 pages to go!

Crap.

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32 comments

    1. Thanks. I don’t know if EL James will go for your idea, but I like it. Oh, and thanks, thanks, thanks for the catch on the email. Holy crap! I’ve got to do a better job editing, but then I would be required to read my writing.

      1. Don’t worry about EL James, she’s tied up in my basement and will do anything I say (its in our sexy time contract). And no problem, I just didnt want a random person sending some craplicious emails to Beth.

  1. Wait a minute…this novel is 514 pages?????? My writing coach is telling me to keep it to 300 pages top. No wonder I can’t find an agent…. I need to throw in another 214 pages of crap.

    1. I would suggest just writing the word “crap” 10,000 times as filler. You can spice it up with a couple of “holy crap”s and “double crap”s.

      I shouldn’t be a writing coach.

  2. “Hooding your eyes” is what people have to do to keep from breaking into pieces when somebody blinks. Like wrapping fine china in bubble wrap and packing peanuts.

    This book is disturbing on so many levels. Kardashians AND Fox & Friends? That is cruel and unusual punishment.

  3. I am in love with the email exchanges and the pain/punishment/discipline list. And I’ve been thinking “Bring out the gimp!” from the moment I heard about this book.

    This really is some of your best work ever. I’m sorry to say, I see more crappy book reading in your future. DaVinci Code next?

  4. Oh gasp moan I’m giggling in such a laughing way I think my eyes are hooded and now I’m scared. All the voices in my head are also chortling and chuckling and guffawing and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP, WAIT, NO DON’T, I REALLY LIKE IT.

    You seriously make it hard (er, bad word choice) to comment because there are 87,000 gems in each of these “Shades” posts. Your list of soft limits, for one, and then the whole email exchange…it’s just TOO GOOD! And I’m also well-hung up on the fact that she’s 22 years old and doesn’t know how to use a computer.

  5. If I like/comment on all of these I will probably start to feel like your stalker and you’ll get all claustrophobic and ask me for space and I’ll cry myself to sleep and everything will be ruined. So let’s just assume from now on that I’m LOLing so hard I might pee my pants a little tiny bit, and not in the sexy way.

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