This is the Sexy Part? : Fifty Shades of Yawn (pgs. 101-150)

Bam chicka bam bam.

Oh yeah. Things are getting really holy cow now, dear reader. It’s, like, almost as hot as that bachelorette party I attended where a guy showed up in a Domino’s Pizza uniform and shook his pepperoni stick, if you catch my meaning.

You don’t? Well in the next 50 pages, Christian and Ana get it on like a couple of glowering, muttering, feeble-minded, two-dimensional paper towel holders, and those things can f*** hard. If you wish to know how these characters got to this point, you can read my previous recaps here and here. These will be of no help.

Before Christian’s cartoonishly large penis can penetrate Ana’s down there (E.L. James’ vivid word choice, not mine), he shows her his red room of pain:

E.L. James describes this room as a big uterus that smells of Pledge® (slight paraphrasing). I hope my picture does her description justice.

Christian also hands Ana this:

Crap sausage, Ana thinks. I’ve gotta read something that’s not British literature!?! Poop schnozzle!

“Is there anything you’d like to add?” Christian asks, taking a sack of frozen dog poop out of the refrigerator to defrost.

Holy dog crap! Ana thinks and chomps on her lower lip causing blood to spurt all over the walls. “I haven’t gotten jiggly wiggly with anyone.” Christian smashes a crystal goblet against the fireplace. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me,” he growls (actual line from the book).

Christian decides to rectify the situation by making love to her lower lip and other parts of her body, specifically the down there part where the thing goes in and then goes out and then goes in again. Is it getting hot in here? I’m going to go open a window. Jesus Christ! It’s 95 degrees outside.

So yes, they do it and she gets tied up in her bra a bit–and fine–and he nibbles and fingers and jerks and leans and moans and growls and she responds with pirate noises. Seriously, she says “Arrgghh” a lot. Not as much as “crap” though:

He “pour(s) himself into” Ana a couple of times and then it’s beddie-bye bye. Ana wakes in the night to the sound of Elmo playing his out-of-tune piano. This is to signify that Christian is “sad”.

Next morning, Ana makes breakfast. Christian insists she eat the skillet and spatula along with the pancakes. Then with nowhere else to go, the author decides it’s sexy bath time. Ana impresses Christian by being able to insert his entire body in her mouth.

They continue the romp-in-the-hay in the bedroom. This time Christian ties Ana’s hands together with his grey tie.

Holy crap, you guys!! Did you realize his name is Grey and his tie is grey and this book is called 50 Shades of Grey. What do you think it all means?!?

I guess I’ll find out when I slog through another 50 pages. I need to rework  my Hard Limits for next time. This daily flogging is really taking a lot out of me.

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39 comments

  1. Ha ha! Squee! Or should I say, arghhhh. I love this. “Bootylicious.” LOL! I don’t even know how to comment on these posts because every single word and picture is perfect in every way.

  2. Every 50 pages gets better and better! And unlike Stephanie Meyer you’ve not used ‘pursed lips’ once! That is so like – Craptastic!
    I miss the motorcycle. Just saying.

    1. Oh there are a bunch of pursed lips, they’ve just been eked out by the holy craps and growling, but they are there a plenty. I need to find ways to incorporate more Fisher Price toys.

  3. I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t include you writing crap books into blog posts every single week. Can you start a second blog and just do this? I’ll pay you in Pop Rocks and calcified Circus Peanuts. Must include Hugo and Goofy or the deal is off.

    1. I think I’m going to write a homage to 50 Shades of Grapes with a bag of Pop Rocks and a calcified Circus Peanut as the main characters. I might call it 50 Shades of Orange-Styrofoam.

  4. These posts are amazing! You are writing exactly what I am thinking – and we are reading the same parts at the same time. Thanks for the laughs! I can’t wait to read here what happens next!

  5. While I’m reading this, I can’t help thinking….”Please don’t let her read any of my books”…. 😛

      1. ah….no….but I can’t help thinking that if you can get such a laugh from this book that people apparently love, you would have an absolute field day with the two books I’ve written as a complete amateur who has no idea what the hell she is doing yet. 🙂

  6. How many pages are in this book? I want to be able to pace myself.
    Also, has anyone walked in on you “arranging” any of these photos? Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

    1. I think over 500 *slams head into table*

      No one has walked in on me, but I can’t say that neighbors haven’t glanced out their windows to see me posing Hugo and Goofy in my car.

  7. You add any kind of poop reference and you have me giggling like a school girl with her hands tied up. Yar!
    You should make this series a regular (!) thing. Next: Crime and Punishment.

  8. I am working on acting out every page with my wife. It’s causing us to have mind-boring orgasms in different colors of grey and gray.
    NOTE: We are pretending we live in Washington (the state).

  9. Trying very hard not to laugh too loud b/c I’m at work. So I’m pinching my face to control all out guffaws. This is so outstanding. SOOOOO outstanding!!! Crap!

  10. I have yet to read this PHENOMENALLY popular book (rolling eyes). I tend not to jump on the bandwagon, instead preferring to find hidden treasures. Your posts are going to be my hidden treasures! I will read these as faithfully as horny and bored housewives read the original, fan fiction-based farce. Thank you!!!

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