50 Pages of Meh (pgs. 1-50)

Holy cow!

I just read the first 50 pages of 50 Shades of Grey and I’m blushing furiously. Crap! Get it together Speaker7 my subconscious sneers at me like a frothing jackal hopped up on bath salts. I slap it brutally and continue with this sentence.

There. I feel better getting that out.

Now I know a lot of people have read this book–more than 25 I think–and have spanked themselves with a lint brush while doing so (my friend, not me), but maybe you, dear reader, have not had the nonpleasure of immersing yourself in the lives of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.

This is why I’m here so you don’t have to suffer. It’s really, really poorly written, almost as if it was translated from Chinese into English by a 13-year-old girl who does not understand Chinese or English. There is an 85% chance I will not pick up the book again unless I’m ordered to by the sock puppet I’ve labeled “Sock Monkey Christian-Edward-Jacob”.

So hold onto your riding crop and clench down on your ball gag because now: Speaker7 Wearily Proudly Presents a Cliff Notes Version of 50 Shades of Grey with Pivotal Scenes Reenacted by Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces, and Goofy, the recently named blue bunny. 

Crap, thinks Bella Ana Steele with her brain-like brain, as she navigates a grill brush through the mop of hair she calls a hair mop. I need to study for finals and write essays and curl up on a couch and read British literature, but crap-on-a-stick! I have to go interview a non-interviewed-lots tycoon because my strawberry-blonded tenacious, gamine, demanding, intense, confident, beautiful, assured, runny-eyed, flu-ridden roommate is besieged by flu-ridden germs which have given her the flu. Ana knows dick about this dude and is incapable of typing his name into a Google search engine so she’s, like, crap prepared.

Ana stumbles into her car. She’s very uncoordinated due to her exposure to fetal alcohol syndrome. Driving ensues. She arrives at a glass building that is all white, all steel, all cold, all clinical and all blonde-haired-staff like. Elevator’s fast. Some waiting and inner monologue, e.g. Crap! Holy Cow! Fart Blossom, and our two protagonists meet. . . well Ana takes a face plant into Christian Grey’s office:

Although Christian’s 10 feet away, he is able to pick her up with his freakishly long fingers and shocks her with the electromagnetic field surrounding his body.

Sparks fly literally:

Christian appears to suffer from Tourette’s. He cannot stop his mouth from quirking up and curling down. He tilts his head and arches his eyebrows incessantly. He rubs his kebab-skewer-like fingers across his lips in the style of cartoon characters who are demonstrating another cartoon character’s craziness.

Ana questioningly questions him:

At times, Ana cannot keep her schizophrenia at bay. The voice in her head makes her think certain things then reprimands her for thinking them. She slaps herself in the face while Christian looks on impassively, curling a lip, arching an eyebrow, then extending a finger to press an elevator button 60-feet away. He wants her to stay, but she’s like, crap. So she leaves. Double crap.

Ana works at the hardware store. Then goes home. Then works at the hardware store again where she is besiegedly besieged by do-it-yourselfers. During a lull, Ana feels a steel-grey gaze and looks up and locks her eyeballs into a steel-grey gaze that is coming from the steel-grey eyeballs of steely eyed Christian Grey.

He smirkily buys stuff. They talk huskily, breathily and mutterly about cable ties, masking tape and rope.

Ana’s face is as red as a stop sign recently repainted even more red, like, think really, really red, like, so bright you would think “Wow, that’s definitely not green!” She gets Christian to agree to a photoshoot for her roommate’s article. Craptastic! her subconscious sings.

Glamour shots.

Christian invites Ana out for coffee. It his opportunity to turn the tables on Ana and ask her questions. “What would you like to drink?” he murmurs, eyebrows arched in a mysterious manner. He then admits to finding her mysterious. On the walk back, Ana almost gets run over by cyclist.

Christian saves her at the last possible second. How did he move so fast? she thinks, could he be a vampire?!? “Holy cow crap,” she breathes into his marbled long-fingered arms. I want to chew on his mushy mouth, she breathily thinks. Kiss me, crapdammit!

And that’s as far as I’ve got. I don’t know, maybe they might meet up again?

I need to go lie down now.

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78 comments

  1. I will never read this, but it’s reviews like this that will make me look funny and well-read at future parties I won’t be invited to. I laughed quite a bit at ‘Ana stumbles into her car. She’s very uncoordinated due to her exposure to fetal alcohol syndrome.’ until I realised that for all I know that might well be a major plot point, and the same applied to Christian’s apparent stroke.

    Thank you for the follow!

      1. E.L. James doesn’t actually say Ana suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome, I just deduced that because she clearly has brain damage. And now I have damage from reading the first 50 pages.

      2. I would never see a comment from you as an intrusion…especially one that bestows an award. I would accept it with both gravitas and aplomb once I use a dictionary to look up what they mean. My brain has shrunk by 12.7% from my 50 Shades reading and I only know the meaning of words like “crap” “beguiles” and “f***”

      3. From reading your posts, I have learnt that the word ‘crap’ has so many faceted meanings that it can be applied to almost any situation, as many times as is needed.

        At least ‘f*ck’ is an arguably sexy swear, a girl who says ‘crap’ as often as Ana (or Goofy) does probably has a hideous fixation with her bottom that I’m not entirely comfortable reading about.

  2. I am surprised it is such a hit, because like you mentioned – most comments consist of how the writing was so bad. What I would like to see is more pictures of Madame Blue Bunny and Captain King and I. Plus, I want to know how many Little People you have. I have the same motorcycle. It came with the camper. Do you have the camper, Speaker7? Do you? Huh? Huh?

    1. I don’t have the camper…but now I want the camper. I want the camper as much as Ana wants to like, crap, like, you know, kiss Christian’s arched lip eyebrow.

  3. Haha! I was just saying the exact same things about this book today – while standing at the 4th of July parade- to my mother. She lent me all three books and I am having a terrible time getting through the first one. I’m on page 70, and I keep looking up every two pages and saying “why am I torturing myself with this?” and then I keep reading because everyone keeps saying it’s soooooo good. Um, I don’t think so! I’m so glad you agree! Thank you so much for the reenactments and the laugh! Happy 4th!

    1. The kids want this? Crap and double crap. I can’t say no to the kids. We’ll see. I need to hit myself in the head with a hammer a few times.

    1. Does O say “crap” and “Holy crap” and “Wow” and “Double wow” because if no, then you haven’t really experienced the pain portion of the book.

  4. Oh my crap this was hilarious. [Hello, Freshly Pressed? Yes, I just read this post that is not crap and I think you need put it up there and stuff.]

    I so need to read this book now, damn it all to hell and back.

  5. This is hilarious. I hadn’t really had the urge to read this book and now I feel even better about my decision. It also (again) goes to prove that “best seller” and “well written” often don’t go hand in hand.

    1. I marvel at the popularity. I know there has to be well written smut somewhere. Why do people go nuts for such lame smut? It makes me sad for the world.

  6. I thought your craptastic Twilight plot summary was the height of awesome, but you’ve yet again outdone yourself. Now I don’t need to torture myselby actually reading this drivel. Thanks for taking the bullet!

  7. Thank you for taking this one on the chin for us. I am sure you have saved many of us from your fate. Although, your visuals are definitely going to induce some nightmares.

  8. Oh holy crappedy crap crap! This. Is. Genius. I can’t wait to read the follow-up post. I’m with Angie – where are those Freshly Pressed overlords?!

    I’m on the third book now (*blushes and turns reddish scarlet while inner goddess rolls eyes deploringly in a condescending way at myself*), which I think could also be called the first book. If I read the phrase “makes quick work of…” one more time…

  9. I can’t even speak. This is so hilarious. “During a lull, Ana feels a steel-grey gaze and looks up and locks her eyeballs into a steel-grey gaze that is coming from the steel-grey eyeballs of steely eyed Christian Grey.” Good gawk. You should write romance novels for Saturday Night Live or the Jon Stewart show. Something. Love the reenactment, the dialogue. Everything. I’ve not read this book and never planned to. I’d rather stay with your revision. HAAAAAAAHAAAAA!!! (BTW, Sincerely Slapdash told me to come here to get some funny.) so glad I did.

  10. Finally! Now I can be in on the hype and have it explained to me through pictures. I hope you’ll have an audio version come out soon. By the way, ketchup is a sometimes food.

  11. I’m trying to hold in my laughter so I don’t scare the woman giving me a pedicure right now. I am so in love with the blue bunny I can hardly stand it. So freaking cute.

  12. I’m so sad now that I chose to visit my son in Seattle, instead of being here to see this post when it was hot off the press. Ooh, just writing the words “hot” and “press” makes my inner goddess blue bunny vibrate to a different tune. 7, you rock my world.

  13. Reblogged this on Don't Forget to Feed the Baby and commented:
    Here’s the thing. I don’t have a post for you today, because I’m busy with my play (which opens tomorrow — holy crap balls!) and because I spent myself with all the zombies. But I’ve been enjoying this series of posts from Speaker7 so insanely much that I felt the need to share it with all of you. If you’ve ever read/thought about reading/wondered what the hell is Fifty Shades of Grey, or if you’re just looking for something that will make you snarf your coffee and thus clean out your sinuses, this is for you! Enjoy!

  14. I reblogged you. Because you have made me laugh SO. HARD. with these posts that I felt the need to spread that love around. Notably to the few people who read me but not you, like my mother-in-law. This ought to be interesting.

  15. Oh my god. I am laughing so hard I’m crying! Hilarious. I haven’t read the book, it wasn’t on my radar to read and now I for sure won’t. Oh .. and I hated Edward. Still can’t believe I read more than one of the books. After I found myself shouting “just bite her damn neck already” I realized it was time to stop.

  16. This post was shared on my most recent post covering the 50 Shades triad of shit. You are hilarious and brilliant! I laughed myself to tears. This whole thing is full of rainbows and unicorn piss. Love it. Every word.

    1. I loved your take on Fifty Shades of Dafuq. My writing has never been compared to unicorn piss so I feel I have reached some height I never knew possible. Argh!

      1. This is the first time I have awarded anyone unicorn piss. So many people come to my blog just expecting to be drizzled with unicorn piss but doing nothing to deserve such a baptism. ARGH! You earned it, my friend. Don’t wipe it off.

  17. I bought these for my wife and had a read of them and believe me the first one is a masterpiece compared to number 2 which can be described with the following often repeated lines from the book
    ” dont bite your lip”
    “i love you”
    “dont ever leave me”
    “I love you too”

    almost like the author ran out of phrases to use HELLO THESAURUS ANYONE?

    Loved this post 🙂

  18. I finished the book. I almost stopped after Ana fell in the street and Christian caught her. I mean, really?! That’s pretty lame. Oh, and since you didn’t read on and most likely won’t, I’ll let you know that Christian buys Ana a laptop later. She didn’t have her own computer. What kind of college student in this day and age doesn’t have their own computer?!

    Her sentence structure is the same all the time, too. I think I probably wrote better than the author when I was in middle school, lol. If crap like this is published, surely I can be published one day, too?!

  19. Reblogged this on Oh I DO Blather on, don't I?!? and commented:
    I haven’t read “Fifty Shades of Grey” From what I hear, some people love it, most people hate it: BDSM people think it’s ridiculous titilation, writers think it’s badly written, women worth their salt think Christian Grey is a tool and Ana is an even bigger tool for putting up with his toolishness…I thought I might read the book, just out of curiousity, but now I won’t need to, because I’ve discovered Speaker Seven and her recraps (yes, you read that right, reCRAPS!!!) Whether you like “Fifty Shades..’or not, these recraps are absolutely THE funniest sh*t I’ve read in forever and a day!

  20. I love it! I’m working on a little piece about the series as well (it’s not ready yet) but when it is….I’m going to direct my readers to you! This is hilarious! Lol

  21. Like the masses above, I’m so glad you’ve written this to save me the trouble. I made it about as far as you did before I got totally bored and went off to fap over something else.

  22. I haven’t read 50 Shades and honestly, I’m not tempted. That said, I read a lot of rubbish books, and lots of classics, so I’m not generally a total literature snob, yet this trilogy just doesn’t…
    But I’m SO entertained by your writing right now ❤

    1. You should continue remain untempted. It is truly a painful experience. I mourn the loss of my brain cells. I think I have 50 left….did you see what I did there? Because I don’t.

  23. I deeply respect your willingness to read those books so we don’t have to. This feels like a girls-night-extravaganza-read-all-those-posts-aloud party with 37 bottles of wine is in my future.

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