Hey Everybody! I’m on Twitter!

Everybody stop tweeting, status-updating and instagramming right now.

I have an important announcement.

Matt Lauer, Today show anchor and sand-dune skier, is on Twitter.

This is big news…almost as big as that video of a hockey mom scolding a referee. Did you see that? Yeah, I didn’t either, but I understand that it is news because it was on the Today show.

I have avoided Twitter much of my adult life. I’ve missed out when Ashton Kutcher tweeted “Cock rhymes with sock” and when Kim Kardashian tweeted “Butt” and when Justin Bieber tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years” and when a cat tweeted “j;aft;aug”. And I’ll admit, my life has not been as fulfilling as the guy who lets the world know he just pooped out a ham sandwich without the mayo. #greatpoopstories

Justin Bieber, the performer who tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years”, helped Matt write his first tweet.

Matt asked for Justin’s help because “I want to find out the power of Bieber,” and then wished it wasn’t live television so he could have said something less creepy.

This is what Matt wanted: “Hanging with Justin at the Today show, Concert coming up. Tweet the name of the first song you’re going to do.” And Justin tweeted “Buy Justin’s new record.”

History has been made.

If Matt gets 750,000 followers by Tuesday, one of his underlings will streak or fight a lion in the Roman Colosseum.

Now I’m all about naked lion-fighting, but I’m more about reading Matt’s mindless ramblings so I have also joined Twitter–something I vowed never to do out of principle that I waste enough of my life as it is.

My first tweet was also about buying Jason Bliber’s new album. No, wait it was this:

I then engaged in my usual daily routine, but then I found I could make it more meaningful by letting the world know about it.


That felt better. Well, after I puked up the sandwich I felt better. #bestvomitinducers

I then struggled with one of my usual dilemmas that normally would go unnoticed. But now through the miracle of 140 characters, I could let the whole world in my little world, kind of like how the sun enters the moon when it becomes night. #topscientifictheories

World peace realized.

Of course, I have no followers so I did all this decision-making and world-peace-realizing by my lonesome. But maybe you guys can follow me, and if I get 12 followers by Tuesday, some lucky follower will be sent a free cat.

How do you follow me on Twitter?

I have no idea.

I think this is my address?

Help me Matt Lauer.


  1. I followed you. Please don’t send me a cat.

    Check out @TheTweetOfGod…he has many followers, but follows only one very special Twitterer. Made me laugh out loud.

    At the rate of your first hour of tweets, you might out-tweet me in a matter of days and I was on the Twitter before I even started my blog in 2010 (for some reason I thought joining Twitter would ease me into this internet social media crap).

    Also, I’m all gender confused now.

    1. Thanks for the God suggestion. He’s good, which is to be expected since he’s Him and all.
      I’ve already run out of things to tweet. It lasted a good 10 minutes and then I got bored.

      I thought Mr. Speaker7 made me sound more legit. It’s now changed to the realspeaker7 because someone actually took that name.

  2. I once named a cat Edwardo Cullino Vampiro Twilighto. He killed himself.
    In other news, I’m following you.
    In other other news, I’m starting to think your better at breaking news worthy stories than I am. I need to up my mojo.

  3. I was your fourth follower. Please don’t send me a cat either. I am very allergic. We found out I was allergic after my Mom brought home an adorable cat for my baby sister. The cat’s name was CarmelSebasiesSabastionSusieGooginham. Seriously, after 50 years I can still remember that stupid cat’s name. Quite the mouthful!

    1. I won’t send the cat don’t worry. I’ve grown attached to him. He’s actually hanging from my earlobe as I type this. Oh wait, I don’t have a cat. Twitter has made me go crazy.

      If I have a second child, I’m naming the child CarmelSebasiesSabastionSusieGooginham

      1. Seriously, we had all picked a name and the only compromise was to stick them all together in one long name.

  4. I love you too much to fall for this scam. Or to ever Tweet. Or to find one more thing to do with my time that is not home or work involved.

  5. I would totally follow you, I can’t think of anything funnier than you tweeting about little random bits of crap you run across during the daily grind. But I have never been on twitter before. I also have a cell phone the size of a pack of gum that looks exactly like one my old coworker owned in 1999. I’m pretty sure I can never use it to send tweets. #badchoices

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