Month: May 2012

This is My Last Post

about gravy. This is also my first. Gravy is so good for a minute, and then it congeals and you remember you’re sucking down the fat run-off from a once living animal. And then you heat it up in the microwave and it’s liquid deliciousness again, and you stick a funnel in your mouth and wash down that spoonful of mashed potatoes with three quarts of cowfat run-off.

You may be wondering about this post’s content. Possibly. Gravy is pretty good. People should write about it. Or you may be wondering about the headline. The headline may be a twinge misleading.

You may have unwittingly clicked on it, thinking Oh my god! Is this end of Speaker7??? Who will I turn to for updates on adult baby syndrome or anal bleaching? (Answer: PBS News Hour with Jim Lehrer)

Rest easy, gentle reader. I am not going anywhere. In fact, I can’t. A gas and electric truck is currently blocking my driveway. When you’re dealing with electricity, basic rules of operating in a civilized society go out the window. I guess it’s the same for doctors’ offices, which explains why the one across the street thinks it’s a-okay to let its medical waste seep out of the 1/4-ply garbage bag into my yard. Used syringes are so cute in a 2-year-old’s hands!

My anger is causing me to lose focus.

The point is I played with your emotions to get you to click. I am in the process of learning how to write successful headlines to draw readers. A successful headline draws the reader’s attention, according to some writer who wrote the attention-grabbing headline “How to Write Effective Headlines”.

Initially I was going to go with this headline for the post: How To Write Effective Headlines Insight from How to Write Effective Headlines Author

I then read past the Effective Headlines headline, which was really, really difficult especially because there was a “shoot-the-watermelon” game happening on the right-hand side.

The point of the headline is trying to get people to read the article.


This was revelatory. I had thought headlines were meant to cause the inner light inside each and every one of us to collapse like dying stars. I had thought headlines were suppose to make you think I’d rather stick myself with that used syringe a second time than read this story–but no, headlines are designed to capture your wandering eye. Do you know 8 out of 10 people will read the headline, but only 2 out of 10 floss? And even though they have carved out a wedge of time to read blog posts since they are allowing their congealed gravy to stay between their teeth, they are not reading past the headline.

So my second headline attempt was: This Headline Is Meant to Get You to Read This Because Most of You Will Read This, But I also Want You to Click on This. Is that okay with you? Check the Yes or No Box and Get Back to Me. I Love You.

Apparently headlines are not supposed to be longer than the actual post unless you are Fiona Apple. They should also be punchy, not to be confused with paunchy which is what one can be if one consumes a lot of gravy. They should lash out at the readers’ eyes with a quick one, two.

So that’s how I ended up with the headline I did. And you clicked. And if you have made it this far, I have a reward.

Apparently people like sexy pictures. Blogs that contain sexy pictures get lots of page views.

So here’s a sexy picture:

This came up in a search for gravy. You’re welcome.

Nothing Will Sink This Battleship

I played Battleship with my brother. We would take turns and say things like “B7” and “Miss” and “H10” and “Hit”. I remember distinctly thinking: This needs to be a screenplay. 

My eyes swept the board imagining how amazing it would look on a movie screen:

The holes would be so big and the pegs would be so massive.  And the ships would be so much more plasticky. But then I thought: I can barely assemble that miniature guillotine I’m making in technology class. This is something for the big guns. . . if they ever had the balls to take on such a complex story.

Well holy sink-my-battleship! It is coming to the big screen in a mere two weeks. And the trailer looks awesome, at least I imagine it does because I have yet to sit through the whole thing. And it has Rihanna! And ships! And explosions! And rock music! And aliens!  Just as I remember.

Amazing! I can’t wait to watch it five years from now on TBS when I’m hungover from a night of playing Cranium–which would make a terrible movie. But you know what would make a great movie?

Connect 4.

Tagline: If we can connect 4, why can’t we connect for real?

Jani is an uptight television producer who is married to her job. Caleb is a slacker who spends his days sculpting black checkers. They’re neighbors, and in real life, can’t stand one another, but in the greatest plot twist since an alien sunk a tanker ship with giant red peg, they form a connection on a new online dating site Connect 4 Life.

Not a fan of romantic comedies? Then try:


Tagline: If these two guys can say sorry, the bad guys will be sorrier.

It’s Detective John Jenson’s retirement day. He expects to go out with a whimper not a bang, but he wasn’t counting on being assigned a crazy new partner on his last day on the job. Kip Kipplewhipple is a loose cannon who plays by his own rules. He might move five steps forward but then take seven steps backwards. The two will have to learn to work together when the chief’s daughter is kidnapped by cubic zirconia smugglers.

More of a fan of psycho-sexual thrillers? Then check out:


Tagline: You can twist all you want, but sometimes you get knots.

Nick Scar can’t be held down by any woman. He calls the shots, but he wasn’t expecting to get twisted up in Erica Chambertonfield’s dark world. She is beautiful, exciting and possibly deadly. Nick can’t get enough. He finds himself being put in positions he never thought possible–his right foot by his head, his left hand stretched back by his butt. It’s so exciting, but what happened to Erica’s former lovers? They disappeared she says nonchalantly giving the wheel another spin.

And for those more partial to uplifting dramas, I give you:


tagline: Life–where you make the rules.

Carl Donaldson is your average joe, working an average job and living an average life. But averageness is not enough for Carl. It’s time to get out there and start living. He quits his job as a thumb factory quality assurance officer, and hops into his car. He picks up a new job as a lawyer, finds a wife, a blue boy and a pink girl and buys fire, life and auto insurance. He then retires and dies–all in the span of 20 minutes.