I Now Pronounce You. . . A Giant Turd

When I see gay couples, I can’t help but wonder: Why do you insist upon ruining my life by being in love?

It’s really, really annoying. I want to be married so let me stay married. Don’t try to ruin it by living your own life and engaging in a committed relationship. Don’t you see how this hurts me?

Tami Fitzgerald gets it. She is the leader of North Carolina Has Finally Become Worse than South Carolina Values Coalition, and spearheaded that dandy new amendment that double-banned same sex marriage today in that state. I say “double-banned” because it was already banned so this ban works in the same way a dare becomes so much more of a dare when you triple-dog-dare it.

Tami says it’s all about people who believe in godly values. That totally describes me. Like take yesterday. I struck my slave with a rod, and it seemed like he was going to die, so I expected to be punished because my bad. But then my slave survived for two days and then died, and it was all good because he was my property (Exodus 21:20-21).

Godly values.

Tami’s not anti-gay, you guys. She’s pro-hate of gays marriage.

“And the point — the whole point — is simply that you don’t rewrite the nature of God’s design for marriage based on the demands of a group of adults,” she says.

Exactly. Why should adults decide things for themselves? Who do they think they are? Adults?

God’s design is so clearly spelled out in the Bible, yo. Why mess with it.

Like take last Sunday. My neighbor found a virgin outside and lied with her (which is Bible-speak for “did the nasty”). So he gave the slut’s dad 50 shekels to buy her vagina, and made her his wife (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). I would love to have a proposal story like that.

God’s design.

Lots of North Carolinians want to keep the design, a whopping 61 percent. Like Shane Cowell. He starts off saying “I’m a born-again Christian” and I immediately stop listening.  Then there’s Joe Easterling who says “procreation is impossible without a man and a woman” and gets an A in 6th grade health.

Tami says today’s vote sends a message, and I agree.

The message is this: Tami Fitzgerald, you are the Turd of the Week™.


  1. Wait…gays want to get married?
    If that happens, what’s to stop them from breaking into my home and having gay sex in front of my children?
    They might want to vote, or serve in the military, or pay taxes, or teach, or try to blend in like everyone else!
    Truthfully, I can’t really joke about it. The insanity of Fear, and how it rules the Religious Right, would be funny if these lunatics weren’t successfully trying to make the rest of us live under their rules of bigotry and hate. Whatever their God, I’m pretty sure they’ve got it wrong.
    Nice job of telling it out loud.

    1. Yes that is something at least. I wish there was some way to go back in a time machine and ban Tami Fitzgerald’s parents from marrying and copulating thereby deleting her existence.

  2. Honestly, I’m shocked at the way the majority voted. As a Christian, I am bothered at the use of religion to turn man again man or woman against woman. (see what I did there?) While there is no disputing the verses you shared – in the sense that the verses exist – the fact of the matter is the New Testament exists, too. And, Jesus said the 2nd most important commandment is love thy neighbor. If the gov’t doesn’t want to change the law of marriage, then it is up to the policy makers (insurance, health, financial, etc.) to change their laws, allowing partners on policies.

    1. I think it was in some Woody Allen movie, maybe Hannah and her sisters, were one character says: “If Jesus saw what was being done in his name, he would never stop throwing up.” Lots of “Christians” seem to forget the whole compassion part of Jesus’s preachings.

  3. No shit, that is the exact same quote that inspired me to write about this stupid amendment. I read what the Tami chick said and I saw red and headed to the computer. That woman is a total turd! Turdis Maximus!

    1. God’s design. Yeah, that was something. I thought part of god’s design was to have people’s brain stems connect to their brains, which is so clearly not the case with Tami.

  4. The very earliest marriage certificate was found in a bundle of Aramaic papyri, 2,500 years old. It’s more of a “contract” than a “marriage certificate”, as it documents that the groom landed himself a healthy 14-year-old girl bride in exchange for six cows. With a slight change in the grammatical construction, the groom actually married six cows that were presented to him by a 14-year-old girl. Actaul marriage between people was frowned upon for sanitary reasons. I LOVE BARACK.

  5. I’m with Barack on this. It’s partly a generational thing. You take a generation and you shove ignorance and fear into their craniums and — voila! Instant bigotry. I really thought Queer Eye for the Straight Guy circa 2003 was going to change the world, tear down the walls, show beer-bellied, flannel-wearing unkempt straight men feeling completely comfortable and unthreatened by gayness. I guess I’ll have to put my money on Glee now.

    1. Yes, I read somewhere…the back of a cereal box? Access Hollywood?…that these young kids could give two figs about banning gay marriage.

      1. Too bad older generations didn’t grow up with Three’s Company like we did. Jack wasn’t gay of course (yet another big misunderstanding). But I and plenty of other ’80s kids learned at an early age that it was just part of life. What’s not to love about a guy who cooks and rams his head into the front door? I’d write a whole blog post on this but I happen to have gay family members and other family members who are not okay with said gay family members and it pains me to avoid the subject. I guess I’ll just use your blog for that instead. Thanks. The End.

  6. UGH. Honestly, I wish these people would just come out and say, “Hey, I friggin’ hate gay people.” I wouldn’t agree with them, but I’d appreciate them being honest for a change. Hiding behind their supposed religious conviction makes me sick. Didn’t Jesus kick it with a prostitute? Surely he had a gay friend as well. He seemed like the kind of guy who’d invite anyone over for fight night.

    Also, methinks Tami looks a little lesbonic.

    1. Jesus definitely slummed with the poor and destitute. If he were alive now, he would be at some skatepark doing hacky sack. He would not be extolling the virtue of the free market or guest starring on Hannity.

  7. Yes, this post was amazing. I agree with you. If any gay peoples are doing gay things somewhere, my marriage becomes more difficult because…..well, I’m not sure why, but I know it’s my business, even though I don’t actually know what they’re doing.

    1. I know if some gay couple gets to share benefits and visit each other at the hospital, it destroys. . . um. . . something of mine. Right?

  8. Shoot. Been missing your posts. Even though I’m following you, (not creepy) you don’t show up in my reader! So, I’m starting to add everyone to my blogroll hoping to keep up that way. Pain in the ass.

  9. well deserved award. so what about all the people that get married that don’t believe in god? i just don’t get bringing god into who can and can’t marry. and my other thought – i’d say with the way straight people fuck up marriage – we ought to not judge gays wanting to give it a chance.

  10. It’s official –people love posts about turds. Maybe you could write a post explaining this phenomenon, or you can just continue to delight our reading senses with various Turd(s) of the Week. Sidenote: Tami and the turd trophy possess a striking resemblance to each other.

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