How To Write the Greatest How-To Post

People want to know things.

Simply typing “How to” into Google generates interesting queries like “How to make head cheese,” “How to last longer in bed” and “How to breed a rainbow dragon.” Interestingly no one has created the query “how to teach a rainbow dragon to make head cheese while lasting longer in bed.” That doesn’t mean they don’t want to know.

In fact, I would like to know…er…I mean, my friend Friend, no, not Friend. . .uh. . . Plate, Plate Fork, would like to know. If anyone has any idea how to make that work, please write a how-to post on it. You will learn how to make it the greatest after reading this.

So how do you write the greatest how-to post? It’s surprisingly easy! Just follow these steps.

  1.  Place your fingers on the home row of your keyboard. Type “How To. . .” except don’t use ellipses, fill it in with something like How To Smell a Wine Cork Without Looking Like an Idiot or How To Wrestle in Jello Without Getting Diabetes.
  2. Brine the pig head overnight.
  3. Go to sleep. Do not stay up and watch the Ab Rocket Twister infomercial. I can go from flab to fab in just five minutes? I might need to stay up. No, no, I should go to sleep.
  4. Wake up. Drain and rinse the pig head. Place the head into a big pot, fill with chicken stock. Log onto your blog. Type something under your How To. . . headline. You didn’t change the ellipses yet? Change the ellipses into something like How To Change Ellipses into Words. Okay now write something underneath it. It should be something amazing.
  5. Skim the fat as needed. After a few hours, pick off the edible meat from the tongue, nose and ears. Cover it with plastic wrap.
  6. Throw up quietly into a bucket.
  7. Mix the meat with parsley and other flavorings like MSG and barf.
  8. Go back into your blog, write something even more amazing than the last thing you wrote. Like, make it super amazing.
  9. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
  10. Go to sleep. Don’t stay up to watch Blue-Eyed Butcher on Lifetime.
  11. Remove the plastic wrap and serve with pickles.

If you followed all the steps, your greatest how-to post should look like this:

source: wikipedia

Whatever you do, do not eat this.


  1. why, why, why are you so brilliant. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? i mean you just wrote a quasi how to post on making head cheese and other frivolity. good lawd women, you is wwwwwwuuuuunderfunk. wunderfunk is much better than wonderful, fyi. xo, sm

    1. Sadly my brilliance only shines bright when head cheese is involved. I should probably change my blog name again to

    1. I am so very glad you did not upchuck with partially digested food and instead upchucked with giggles, which is less straining on the stomach muscles.

  2. I think most of my posts lately have been coming out like head cheese. I keep thinking I should take a break from blogging, but I’m worried that head cheese will only last so long when it’s pushed to the back corner of the refrigerator. I think I just need to learn to like head cheese, since I already know how to make it.

    1. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for all those o’s and the exclamation points, but please do not denigrate your posts. I love them. Some I have even proposed marriage to, and while they never gave me an answer back, I still love them. We all go through head-cheese slumps, but your posts have been as terrific as ever.

  3. Mine is never firm enough, and now I realized it’s because I don’t refrigerate it overnight.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to quietly go throw up into a bucket.

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