People want to know things.
Simply typing “How to” into Google generates interesting queries like “How to make head cheese,” “How to last longer in bed” and “How to breed a rainbow dragon.” Interestingly no one has created the query “how to teach a rainbow dragon to make head cheese while lasting longer in bed.” That doesn’t mean they don’t want to know.
In fact, I would like to know…er…I mean, my friend Friend, no, not Friend. . .uh. . . Plate, Plate Fork, would like to know. If anyone has any idea how to make that work, please write a how-to post on it. You will learn how to make it the greatest after reading this.
So how do you write the greatest how-to post? It’s surprisingly easy! Just follow these steps.
- Place your fingers on the home row of your keyboard. Type “How To. . .” except don’t use ellipses, fill it in with something like How To Smell a Wine Cork Without Looking Like an Idiot or How To Wrestle in Jello Without Getting Diabetes.
- Brine the pig head overnight.
- Go to sleep. Do not stay up and watch the Ab Rocket Twister infomercial. I can go from flab to fab in just five minutes? I might need to stay up. No, no, I should go to sleep.
- Wake up. Drain and rinse the pig head. Place the head into a big pot, fill with chicken stock. Log onto your blog. Type something under your How To. . . headline. You didn’t change the ellipses yet? Change the ellipses into something like How To Change Ellipses into Words. Okay now write something underneath it. It should be something amazing.
- Skim the fat as needed. After a few hours, pick off the edible meat from the tongue, nose and ears. Cover it with plastic wrap.
- Throw up quietly into a bucket.
- Mix the meat with parsley and other flavorings like MSG and barf.
- Go back into your blog, write something even more amazing than the last thing you wrote. Like, make it super amazing.
- Cover and refrigerate overnight.
- Go to sleep. Don’t stay up to watch Blue-Eyed Butcher on Lifetime.
- Remove the plastic wrap and serve with pickles.
If you followed all the steps, your greatest how-to post should look like this:
Whatever you do, do not eat this.