This is My Last Post

about gravy. This is also my first. Gravy is so good for a minute, and then it congeals and you remember you’re sucking down the fat run-off from a once living animal. And then you heat it up in the microwave and it’s liquid deliciousness again, and you stick a funnel in your mouth and wash down that spoonful of mashed potatoes with three quarts of cowfat run-off.

You may be wondering about this post’s content. Possibly. Gravy is pretty good. People should write about it. Or you may be wondering about the headline. The headline may be a twinge misleading.

You may have unwittingly clicked on it, thinking Oh my god! Is this end of Speaker7??? Who will I turn to for updates on adult baby syndrome or anal bleaching? (Answer: PBS News Hour with Jim Lehrer)

Rest easy, gentle reader. I am not going anywhere. In fact, I can’t. A gas and electric truck is currently blocking my driveway. When you’re dealing with electricity, basic rules of operating in a civilized society go out the window. I guess it’s the same for doctors’ offices, which explains why the one across the street thinks it’s a-okay to let its medical waste seep out of the 1/4-ply garbage bag into my yard. Used syringes are so cute in a 2-year-old’s hands!

My anger is causing me to lose focus.

The point is I played with your emotions to get you to click. I am in the process of learning how to write successful headlines to draw readers. A successful headline draws the reader’s attention, according to some writer who wrote the attention-grabbing headline “How to Write Effective Headlines”.

Initially I was going to go with this headline for the post: How To Write Effective Headlines Insight from How to Write Effective Headlines Author

I then read past the Effective Headlines headline, which was really, really difficult especially because there was a “shoot-the-watermelon” game happening on the right-hand side.

The point of the headline is trying to get people to read the article.

?!?

This was revelatory. I had thought headlines were meant to cause the inner light inside each and every one of us to collapse like dying stars. I had thought headlines were suppose to make you think I’d rather stick myself with that used syringe a second time than read this story–but no, headlines are designed to capture your wandering eye. Do you know 8 out of 10 people will read the headline, but only 2 out of 10 floss? And even though they have carved out a wedge of time to read blog posts since they are allowing their congealed gravy to stay between their teeth, they are not reading past the headline.

So my second headline attempt was: This Headline Is Meant to Get You to Read This Because Most of You Will Read This, But I also Want You to Click on This. Is that okay with you? Check the Yes or No Box and Get Back to Me. I Love You.

Apparently headlines are not supposed to be longer than the actual post unless you are Fiona Apple. They should also be punchy, not to be confused with paunchy which is what one can be if one consumes a lot of gravy. They should lash out at the readers’ eyes with a quick one, two.

So that’s how I ended up with the headline I did. And you clicked. And if you have made it this far, I have a reward.

Apparently people like sexy pictures. Blogs that contain sexy pictures get lots of page views.

So here’s a sexy picture:

This came up in a search for gravy. You’re welcome.

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45 comments

  1. Yeah, you learned how to write an effective headline, all right. Damn, I clicked because I was worried you were serious. Damn. Fell for it. Damn, and I learned that headline stuff in Journalism 101. But that was good, and I’m not too into that anal bleaching either.

  2. I think your next post should have “Anal Bleaching” somewhere in the title…

    Has the Turd of the Week segment perished in the ashes of the blog formerly known as Ramblings & Rumblings? I miss my turdly updates. Your blog is hilarious, though- with or without turds.

    1. It’s been difficult to turd it up. When it seems like everyone is a turd than no one is a turd. But we’ll see…maybe something spectacularly turdish will happen this weekend.

  3. Keep in mind that this comment is tongue in cheek (which is where it should be most of the time, so why do we say that?) but you did kinda scare the crap outta me with that title. A blogger I really liked did something similar recently, but she was serious and now she’s gone. But hey, we’re still good, and take it as a compliment that I care enough to be bummed out, if this really was your last post.

    And like Heather, I think that I am now also scarred by that photo! But I’ll get over it, even though I’d really love to know how you got that pic of me, cause I paid some serious money to certain people to guarantee no one would ever see me like that ever again. I’m now going to make some calls about the prompt receipt of my refund, and hopefully no gunfire will be required.

      1. Wavy Gravy is the name of the diapered guy in the picture. I figured I would point that out because my comment would be nonsensical otherwise.

  4. I fell for it! I got on here thinking that I wasn’t going to actually read the blogs just yet, but I saw the title and thought NOOOOO! She can’t be leaving! I just started following her and she’s hilarious!
    I’m so glad you’re not leaving! What a relief! If not for you, I would have never known how gravy, anal bleaching (gross) and “catchy” post titles could all fit together! I think I’m learning more from you than from classes! Love it! 🙂

  5. I knew it was a ploy because people who stop blogging almost never announce it. They just sort of slink away into some quiet dark corner where they mumble “I coulda been Freshly Pressed except I wrote good stuff and those people wrote sh-t.” I need someone to write about the mom whose face looks like it resides on a rotisserie spit.

    1. Why did you have to go and remind me of that woman (though she certainly belongs here)? I have spent the past 22 hours trying to forget her face.

    1. I think my mistake was not putting Diapered Wavy Gravy as my headline.

      Hey, have you noticed that whenever you comment on someone else’s blog, you suddenly get emails about every comment that person makes to other people who also comment? I find I have to keep going into my dashboard to unfollow the comment trail. It’s maddening because I go to my email and have 20 messages and think “hey I’m popular” and it turns out I’m not and I cry and smear gravy on my face and then I feel better.

      1. Yes, I just noticed this today. What has happened is that WordPress has changed the default on all/some of us so that, when you comment, the “notify me of follow-up…” box is checked. I’ve had to now uncheck that box every time I comment on another blog. I will go insane until I figure out how to change this set-up. The kind of insane that makes me want to mold a lump of mashed potatoes into a UFO and then pour gravy on it.

        In more positive news, your posts now show up in my blog reader.

  6. I must say, your post title was very mean and I almost cried. If you wanted a very catchy title then you should have called it “Oh look I have bunch of cash just laying around here! Maybe I will give some to you if you click this.”

  7. Glad I found you. You are funny, period. The pic is disturbing, but definitely one I’ll always remember and that is the point, isn’t it? Yowsa, it’s burned into my brain. So much so, I’ll be back. BTW, I’m one of those two out of ten flossers, quite obsessive about it. :).

    1. The photo intrigues me because it looks like it was taken in a studio and so it was deliberate, and therefore, intriguing. I wonder if Wavy Gravy flosses?

  8. The shocking headline was over-powered only by the sexy picture in my Blog Reader (which, being the only media, was HUGE). So I clicked. I just couldn’t help myself. Great post, Speaker7, and somehow I knew this was not your last post. Very effective. I could do without the sexy photo though…kinda like watching a train wreck.

  9. Doesn’t it blow you away what the successful posts are? Bet you never would have thought this one would be so popular. It’s a problem I have–thinkiing I’ve written something good and then reality of five clicks sets in.
    I was sexually aroused by the weird guy. It looks like something is hanging out of his butt (part of the sexiness).

    1. Yes. The ones I spend the most time on, three people read.

      In the future I’m going to include a pic of tie dye diaper man in all of my post. Sex sells.

  10. Word Press, I hate you. Because I missed this post. And had Speaker7 really vanished off the planet (Planet Blog, that is) I would have been wondering what the hell happened.

    This post fell into the Gravy Vortex. It will be the next Star Trek Movie. Cast will include Leonard Nimoy even though he will be dead by the time they find two writers who are clever enough to spell “Star Trek.”

    No. I am not drunk. I don’t remember drinking too much. I don’t remember much of anything in fact.

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