Gift Ideas for Every Mom

It used to be so easy with Mother’s Day. You took a frozen orange juice container, glued a piece of shag carpet around it–and presto instant carpet-covered frozen orange juice container.

But moms want us to “step up our game” apparently, according to Cosmopolitan magazine, and Cosmopolitan magazine is rarely wrong. Its expose on the “50 Things to Do With Your Boobs” was revelatory (#47 – Shuck corn), as was its expose on the “50 Sexy Ways to Sexily Shuck Sexy Corn” (#26 – Go heavy on the anal bleaching).

Not all moms are the same. Some like overpriced gunk made by the tiny fingers of orphans working in non-ventilated sweatshops while others like products that need to be included in the magazine per the advertisers marketing agreement.

So what if you’re unsure of your mom’s type? Luckily Cosmo breaks it down into 12 essential categories of motherhood. I have lumped some together and narrowed it down to four, having learned much from Cosmo’s expose on “50 Sexy Ways to Reduce the Amount of Sexy Time Spent on Sexily Writing Sexy Blogs and How to Keep Him Coming Back For More” (#26 – Limit the number of crotch shots to 9)

Sentimental/Techy/Stressed Out Mom

Got a mama who tears up over cat food commercials? That goblet containing the ocean whitefish reminds me of my third wedding *sob* … Does it then remind her she has a fifth wedding to plan, and she needs to decide if she’s going to go with the candied almonds in a mesh bag or the engraved toothpicks for the wedding favors and she starts to get so stressed out? And you have to say Chill out, mama, and she screams back You were a mistake!! A beautiful mistake *sob*. . . and the cycle repeats for another 17 hours.

So if that’s her, then get her this:

Ionic Salt Bowl Lamp

Girly/Party/Trendy Mom

Does your mother speak in vocal fry? Wear her hair in pink pigtails and pink ponytails and pink whaletails? Does she rock ‘n roll all night and party everyday? Does she say the latest catchphrases like “I’m da bomb diggety dog doody wad dilly bum bum noodle noodle casserole stew”?

She sounds wonderful.

Then get her this:

Perfect for wet T-shirt contests.

Sporty/Artsy/Quirky Mom

Jesus–is this done yet? No.

Okay so does your moo-moo Zumba (Sporty Spice) while sculpting (Artsy Spice), but instead of using clay she uses Hamburger Helper (Quirky Spice)? Then this is the must-have:

Works with Hamburger Helper.

Adventurous/Traveler/Mommy Mom

Is your mom always out and about, wanting to visit the latest war-torn spaghetti factory or taste sea foam biscuit ice cream raisins? Is she also a Mommy Mom? And what is a Mommy Mom? Is she a mom who acts infantile and wants you to baby her? Or is she a mommy with a second or third family and that’s why she’s always leaving under the guise of being an adventurous traveler? Who knows?

Just get this and we’ll call it a day:


  1. If you tell anybody in my family about Restop2 Disposable Toilet, I will hunt you down. Because if they ever learn about this I will get one for Mother’s Day and every other gift-giving occasion they can muster up.

    1. It’s not my fault if you’re an Adventurous/Traveler/Mommy Mom. Try to be more like Sportsy/Artsy/Quirky Mom so you can get the bedazzler.

  2. Thanks for this post! Because I am definitely getting my Mom “Mom Rocks”. Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? So I have a thought, and my thought is that I want to give Mom “Mom Rocks”, because I think it’s funny, and no need to over-think my thoughts in this matter, now that it’s decided.

    Lol – I was in a pharmacy the other day, and I had to stifle my laughter the instant I saw the latest issue of Cosmo. It was entitled “The SEX Issue”. I mean, has there ever been an issue of Cosmo that wasn’t??? 😀

    1. I think there was one issue called the Love issue, but all the articles were about how to get him to love having sex so I guess the correct answer is no.

  3. This post was soooo fantastically hilarious and also soooo not in my blog reader. And I’m so mad about the latter that I want to tear something up right now, possibly a Cosmo magazine from my freshman year in college that led me to believe that My Man Needs More Attention. What the heck, WordPress? Fortunately, it probably has nothing to do with your new domain name as I know of a lot of blogs having this issue right now.

    The Bedazzler! Yes, please! Thank you for reminding me why I became a mom in the first place.

      1. No, Elyse — I became a mom so that someone would give me an excuse to Bedazzle. I’ve wanted to sport gems on my jean pockets for so long. I knew it’d be called “tacky” or “sleazy” or even “WTH” to non-moms. But among my 30-something peer group of moms, I’ll fit right in.

      1. Renee – the blog reader thingamajig is under the little W icon in the menu bar. It puts all the blogs you follow in one place.

    1. Angie – It shows up in my blog reader, but maybe it’s because I followed my blog again after all the mishap from before. So you might have to click the unfollow in the top menu and click follow again. Or maybe things are just screwbally in WordPressville?

  4. I’ve got a neurotic mom so I’ve given her coupons which say:

    “I promise not to get in the car with a stranger!”
    “I will always bring a jacket with me!”
    “I will not eat food that has been sitting on the counter for a few day!”
    “I’ll try to not end up on the side of a milk carton!”

    1. Holy Mom-rocks-ionic-salt-bowl-lamp! My worldview has exploded. It’s like learning that the earth is somewhat round back in the 1800s (that’s when it happened, right? I don’t know…I went to public schools and all the money went to Halliburton).

  5. In all the years of my whinging about not being a Mom this is possibly the first time I have felt truly grateful. 😉

  6. For my mother’s mother’s day, I’ll be in Yosemite being selfish. I liked this post and want the Funky Cold Mom-dina shirt. I’m kinda starting to get man boobs so I think it will fit pretty well. F*ck Freshly Pressed! Anal Bleaching Yay!

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