Science is for the Turds

I like to know knowledge and learn learnledge. But I get angry sometimes that my worldview isn’t presented adequately. Like I guess scientists and mathetists can get all smug with their belief that 2+2=4. But why can’t 2+2=19 or 2+2=foot massage? Why can’t it also equal that or = this? Who died and made them the king of whole numbers?

The state of Tennennnennnnnnseeeeseee has the right idea. The governor is posed to sign a law that will allow teachers to present the weaknesses of such “theories” as evolution and global warming, among other topics so teachers can showcase the strengths of other theories like Wonder Twins Power Activate.

The new law is supported by social conservatives and creationists, and both are quick to point out this has nothing do with injecting religion into the science curriculum. It’s just to make things more awesome. Like you’re in biology, and your teacher says “Sure, organisms may have adapted over time to their environment in a process called natural selection or maybe a flying unicorn sprinkled fairy dust onto a potted plant on a turtle’s back and that grew into the Earth and then we grew like flowers and we have magical powers.” Maybe there’s no evidence for the unicorn theory, but you would have to agree the unicorn theory is way more awesome. Like I would watch a movie about that sh*t. The former theory with its evidence and widespread support from the scientific community? Yawnsville.

But why stop there? Wouldn’t it be super awesome if everything was up for debate, and you could just go with what your gut tells you?

Gravity. Sure I guess it could be the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass, OR it could be God pressing down on my head preventing me from rising upwards until the Rapture.

Blue sky. Sure it could be the light being absorbed by gas molecules in the atmosphere OR a giant, who lives in the land of giants in the clouds above, spilled over his bucket of blue paint whilst painting his giant chicken coop.

Heliocentric theory. Sure maybe the Earth revolves around the Sun OR the earth revolves around Speaker7 and all her glorious scientific wisdom. My guts says the Speaker7centric theory sounds correct. Coming soon to schools in 2012-13.

We all owe a big thank you to Republican State Rep. Bill Dunn for broadening our view of the world, and allowing me to teach my son that hurricanes form when Pop Rocks are mixed with soda or because God hates gay marriage or gay retirees (can’t remember which, I’ll consult my seer stone).

I will also teach my son that Bill Dunn could have resulted from the slime crawling out of the ocean OR maybe, just maybe he formed from a giant turdball. My gut tells me to go with the latter theory, and I have the evidence to back it up since he is the Turd of the Week™.

Disclaimer: Turd of the Week™ is nondenominational award although this particular honoree was chosen through Intelligent Design. 


  1. There is WAY too much good stuff in here for one piece, but the fact that the turd was chosen based on Intelligent Design is one of my favorite lines evah!

  2. heard this discussion on NPR this morning and i am delighted you have awarded Bill Dunn. can’t wait to teach my kids the new heliocentric theory when they get home from school today.

    1. It’s very sciency. It involves the Earth and rotation so almost identical to the original heliocentric theory. Just substitute sun for me and everything’s golden, as we like to say at the center of the universe.

    1. He is a stunner. Looking at his beautiful bland face and dead eyes, how could he not come up with such stunning legislation. No second place for this beauty.

    1. Oh. My. God. I took your advice and looked up Stacy Campfield. I would like to bestow a Lifeturd Achievement Award on him. Unbelievable turdishness at such a young age too. What a prize he will be when he gets even older and more hateful.

  3. This would be less funny if it weren’t true. But it is. The present consciousness of America is to believe in whatever seems the easiest and dumbest. Having said that, I love Unicorn Theory.
    Really good post.

    1. Tennessee is also the state considering scrubbing any reference that the Founding Fathers owned slaves. History gets really bogged down by its facts the same way science gets held back by its theories.

  4. I’m late to the Unicorn Party again. I’m sorry for my tardiness. I hope you will still allow me the honor of saying what a great post this was — smart, truthy, witty as always — and that I felt conflicted with hating Bill Dunn (as turdish as he is) because he might be helping pave the way for full validation of 1979-Angie’s dream that she derived from unicorns.

  5. Another ever so deserving selection here, to be crowned with a turd! I never cease to be amazed and often appalled at the ability of much of the human race to ignore reality and believe what they want to believe instead. Often with hateful and disastrous consequences…

    1. I remember reading some magazine article when Bush was still in office and some aid was saying how some people live in reality-based community and others, like him, create their own reality, and that that was a good thing.

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