Multiple Onions of the News

Lots of news today, people. Lots of news. I don’t even know how to describe it. Today’s news was so exciting it was as if the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic or George Washington crossed the Delaware right up onto the beaches of Normandy or Snooki crashed into the Hindenburg right after giving birth to Charlie Sheen’s baby whom they named Washington Titanic.

Who can describe it? Who can take our hands and lead us from the darkness into the light? Who can segue quickly from a segment on Rick Santorum to a segment on the best bidets?

The Today show of course.

Okay first big story: The never-ending  war in Afghanistan. Sorry, I misheard that. I was crunching loudly on my morning bag of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Ass Explosion®.

Let’s try this again. Octomom, the woman/octopus hybrid, is on public assistance. Matt Lauer is interviewing her and is wearing glasses so we know this is serious bizness.

“Good to have you with us,” he says.

“Hi. Thank you to have me,” she answers.

Uh-oh. I was thinking the fluttering of eyelashes and the making of faces during the 10-15 promos of Octomom was just Octomom being playful, but now I’m thinking she’s on something or about to envelope Matt in a thick cloud of black ink.

“A lot of people are angry about this decision to go on assistance,” Matt says.

Who are these people? Because they sound great.

“I’m sad. I’m just a horribly sad, horribly disfigured person, and you–meaning the media–love it. It gives you the chance to publicly shame somehow who so obviously needs mental health assistance.  Instead of giving me the help I need by ignoring me,  you parade me around like we’re at the Victorian freak show,” Octomom answers. “Oh and I took this picture for a magazine because I love my children.”

“Please chronicle the daily humiliations that encompass your life so I can masturbate and people at home can feel superior even while eating pink slime and arsenic-ladened chicken,” Matt says.

“It would take 14 books–do you hear that publishers–14 books to go through all the multiple onions of my life,” she says.

Well said.

The news just keeps getting newsier with the next piece on a turnip who wrote on article entitled There are Downsides to being this Pretty” or “See, I can ignite a media firestorm. Book deal, please.”

The article includes many pictures. Like this one:

I’d tap that root (Do you see what I did there? The turnip forms from a tap root. There are downsides to being this clever).

Everyone is pissed and, the staff of the Today show was even talking about it, gurgles Ann Curry who adds “I’m so way prettier than her.”

Some people are like: ugly, ugly, ugly, boo. Some people are like: you go turnip, yay!

“I’ve gotten thousands of vile messages on Twitter,” the turnip states. She does not say how many books that translates into.

I guess there are not as many multiple turnips to her life.

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10 comments

  1. I see what you did there…taproots debut…

    1. “Lowlife” 3:42
    2. “Comeback” 3:59
    3. “Mirror’s Reflection” 3:18
    4. “Can’t Not” 3:32
    5. “Justice Is Blindfolded” 3:35
    6. “Sound Control” 5:19
    7. “11 Months” 4:19
    8. “Scapegoat” 2:57
    9. “Get Out of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)” (Billy Ocean cover) 4:47
    10. “Negative Rein4sment” (Featuring Dan from Madhops) 4:40
    Damn.

  2. Maybe Octomom can get a job as an au pair for 19KidsandCountingMom. Hey,I read that piece about the woman who suffers because of her astonishing beauty. At first I thought, “She’s not all that,” because she isn’t and because I want to sound hip. But then I realized she posted fake photos because she thinks if she posted real ones, we (meaning average women with acne/chin hair/droopy eyelids/thin lips/other completely disfiguring characteristics) would be blinded by the perfect radiance of her perfect features. So she has really performed a public service and those of us who look like toads are grateful.

    1. You are hip. That is a fact.
      The “beautiful” woman. Not so much.
      I would have way more respect for her if she said “look, I was treated like trash when I was 10 pounds overweight and brunette. When I lost the pounds and went blonde, the world changed, and that’s stupid.” I’m sorry, I will never have respect for her. The end.

  3. Funny post, and as ridiculous as real life, aka good satire.
    I’m just happy that none of these people are self-centered. If they were, we’d have a big problem on our hands.
    And in Octomammaries’ defense, she was totally good feeding seven of them. But number eight tipped over the food trough.

    1. Today, the Today show had an exclusive interview with the most beautiful woman in the world, followed with Kim Kardashian speaking in vocal fry. It was electrifying and newsfying.

  4. Noooo! Why did I click on the “too pretty” woman article? Why? I might as well get in line with the masses who are patting Today Show on the back for covering this breaking news story.

    In my defense, I simply felt compelled to see what too-pretty looked like and I’m so glad to have found out that too-pretty looks like a middle aged English woman with freakishly tiny teeth and blond hair. And, exactly as she suspected, I know I’ll never ask her to be my bridesmaid now.

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