Geraldo Geraldon’t

TV “journalist” Geraldo Rivera recently said if you present yourself a certain way expect a certain reaction from people. I’m paraphrasing. Geraldo actually used the word “gangsta” and kept saying “gangsta,” really overemphasizing the “sta” of the “gangsta” to an extent that I stuck my hand into a food processor so I could concentrate on something else.

Geraldo, of the Yosemite-Sam style mustache, should know about the damaging effects of appearance. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of  a silent movie villain who ties damsels in distress to railroad tracks.

"I kid you not. I've found more in my mustache than in Al Capone's vault."

It is uncertain whether Rivera has actually engaged in this behavior while twirling his scour-brush mustache, but he has been married five times, and these women couldn’t all have voluntarily agreed to it–some had to be under duress.

Whenever I hear him, I wish I could invent a time machine, and travel back to the time his parents met so I can break up their marriage with my serious gangsta-style seduction skillzz thereby preventing his birth.

It’s a conundrum. Does his Mario brothers’ mustache make me think he’s a narcissistic shithead or is it the shitty narcissistic things he says?

Then I think of Geraldo’s shitty, shitty words about the senseless murder of Trayvon Martin:

“People take you at what you look like” and “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.”


The gun in Zimmerman’s hand was only slightly responsible…as was his racism.

So maybe it is Rivera’s 1970′s porn-star-style stache–the width of which makes the Monopoly’s  Rich Uncle Pennybag’s stache look like the width of John Waters’–that makes me assume that he is a giant hairy turdball.  I mean he does look like the great porn stars of the past like Saddam Hussein and Joseph Stalin (By the way, Joseph Stalin in Boinksheviks is a must-see).

Or maybe he is a giant turdball, as a matter of fact The Turd of the Week™.

Enjoy it gangsta stylz


  1. Excellent choice, my dear. Geraldo flaps his jaws so much, spewing such stupidity and ass-hattery. That must account for the increased blood supply to his upper lip which produces the Snidely Whiplash moustache. Obviously that blood supply isn’t going to any brain cells.

  2. You know, Speaker7, you’re going to have to start a “Turd of the Day” award. There are just too many to choose from.

    That said, Geraldo may be top on the list. And he has been a TURD for so very long. There is some beauty in staying power.

    1. I could start a Turd of the Day award, but if I did, I would have to jump off a bridge because I would then truly acknowledge how awful everything is. The week thing is better for my psyche.

  3. I must be straight up gangsta because I, too, wear a hoodie. Don’t let the fact that I’m 57 y/o white woman fool you, gangsta is as gangsta wears.

    1. I’ve just passed your name along to Geraldo. He is all about savin’ lives, even gangsta ones. Or is he all about getting on TV? I keep forgetting which.

    1. Well, they are. If you’re outside (or inside) and dressed in a short skirt (or long pants or a kilt or culottes or capris) and you drink some beer (or don’t or have orange juice or water or red bull) and you breathe oxygen and you walk (or skip or stand still or sit) then you better believe you’re inviting it to happen. It’s better to live your life hermetically sealed like a 1970 G.I. Joe action figure.

  4. OMG. Great choice for a giant turdball. To this day, I still wonder how Rivera got to where he did, wherever that is. Maybe because he was Hispanic (maybe) or maybe because he looked like Tony Orlando? His investigative journalism has been a joke, of course capped off by the two-hour long opening of the Capone safe which was clearly emptied of any treasure years before. But damn, I sat and watched the whole thing.

    1. I saw that show! It was so exciting and anticipated that they even put it on prime time. Which was a big step up for a second-rate daytime talk show host like Geraldo. I forgot all about that big fat nothing! Thanks for reminding me, O. Leonard.

  5. I’m with Nanette (just a couple years younger). I’m 55 y/o white woman fool you, gangsta is as gangsta wears.
    Perhaps we could start a gangsta gang.

  6. Memories. I can still recall back to when Geraldo was a wee little talk show lad who decided to host neo-nazis and anti-racism leaders on the same stage. (A brilliant sacrifice of journalism ethics in the name of stir-the-pot TV ratings.) He got hit in the nose with a chair back then, but personally I always thought he deserved a giant hot turd. Well done.

  7. A true turd classic, and seems like he’s been around forever. A guy like him should have been flushed down the media crapper long ago, but here he is, still bobbing around.

      1. I just had a very evil thought about what to do with Draino and Geraldo… This will be one of those rare occasions when I don’t put such a thought into words.

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