On Thursday, Google will plant a chip in your brain that will allow advertisers to feed Doritos’ commercials directly into your cerebral cortex.
That sentence might not be entirely accurate, but I know Google is changing something about its privacy policy because it sent me an email, which I didn’t read because I was too distracted by an ad in the email for the Dorito shell at Taco Bell. It looked really healthy and really orange.
The French are all like “Sacre bleu” about this. Why? I don’t know because I only the read headline of the article and then clicked on an ad for StirChef™ Hands-free Saucepan Stirrer. Do you realize you can have your hands-free stirrer stir your Dorito casserole while you eat a Dorito taco?
Progress.
Okay so basically, Google will be able to consolidate all of your searches in various platforms like youtube, gmail and the google search engine into one giant chocolate chip cookie that will be fed lovingly to advertisers. “In short, we can treat you as a single user across all our products,” coos Google.
So expect your ads to get really specific. And if you are someone like me, who looks up a lot of weird sh*t because you write a blog and/or are a giant weirdo, expect to see this:
Coprophagia is the eating of feces. I write a lot about turds. See here and here. Here. I am not a coprohagiast, but I go to Google quite frequently and type thing like: “turd face” “show me turds” “write my blog about turds, please.”
Or this ad:
I look up a lot about Donald Trump. I look up a lot about adult baby syndrome. How are they connected? Only Google knows.
I also like to search about horrendous people featured in Lifetime movies or on Dateline NBC. I don’t possess the patience to sit through these programs in their entirety. One might say I have the patience of an adult baby. Who likes steaks. And is possibly into coprophagia. Like on Sunday, I caught the tale end of Drew Peterson:Untouchable on Lifetime, and it was….um….well, it was this:
Rob Lowe, as Drew Peterson, does a slo-mo strip tease for police officers, and it ends. Which seemed odd. And abrupt. I didn’t quite understand how this could be the ending. It would be like suddenly ending this blog post with some weird picture. So I had to look up “Drew Peterson” in Google and now I will get this ad:
Speaker7 
I am so screwed. I use google for the most inane searches for my blog. I can imagine my search on Shrinky Dinks will lead to gmail messages for penis reduction appliances. “Shaun Cassidy, California, where he likes to eat out, casserole” will no doubt lead to ads for diet frozen dinners packaged specifically for middle-aged single women. That or a restraining order.
When you find out where Shaun Cassidy likes to eat out, please pass it along…..for….um…er…..research purposes. Yes, research purposes.
Just say NO to Google turning you and your online history into their one stop marketing shop to sell to advertisers. Here’s how:
http://howto.cnet.com/8301-11310_39-57382925-285/how-to-remove-your-google-web-history/
Thanks, Chris!
Yes, thanks for the link. I just cleared mine.
Reblogged this on Word Play and commented:
I’m glad that you posted this, and I’m reblogging on Word Play. Thanks!
Thanks again!
I’m preparing to see a lot of ads for snuggies and midget rental services.
You should also check out the Forever Lazy. I think it surpasses the snuggie with its open flap for defecation purposes.
This seems bad. Maybe I won’t use Google anymore. But I suppose they’re all the same.
All technology that is suppose “to make life easier” just seems all about pinpointing exactly where we are at all times. Luckily we don’t use civilian drones….oh wait, we’re going to start doing that.
I’m conflicted: should I go ahead and relinquish my soul to Google now and get the benefits of being one of the first online soul community members (not to be confused with people passionate gospel music), or should I retain this semblance of dignity and independence for as long as possible.
Can Google tell me the right answer?
If you relinquish your soul now, you get a $15 Amazon gift card.
Very tempting….I could get one and a half ebooks.
This means I need to log into my husband’s google account and start doing searches for vampire romances and chicken feed.
Could you please share the targeted ads you’ll get in return.
Of course!
If Google can figure out what my online searches mean, go for it. I can hardly wait to see what O. Leonard specific ads I’m going to see. Loved your post. Made me chuckle, especially the last Photoshop. That Coprophagia is for dogs, right?
Dogs and sh*theads.
This post made me think about several things. The first was, Holy Sh*t, that casserole is going to be salty with a bag of chips in it. Then I thought about Rob Lowe playing Drew Peterson, and how glamorous that must make Drew feel. Then I thought about eating sh*t, which is what Google’s plan is, because they will be feeding us everything they think we want until we actually think it is.
Thanks for reconfirming my belief that the best thing you can do on the internet is NOT be yourself.
Good plan. I’m going to try to pass myself off online as Drew Peterson impersonating Rob Lowe.
I think there may have been important information in this post, but I got distracted by the news of Taco Bell’s Dorito shell.