At Least the Cookies are Good

I used to be a girl scout.

I didn’t last very long. Six months, tops. I don’t like camping or people or camping with people. I like Girl Scout cookies. I like the eating of Girl Scout cookies, not the selling of them, which is something you do if you are a girl scout. I am not a seller. One horrible summer, I had a temporary job selling family portraits in the mall. The lure was getting the mark to sign up for the chance to win a $500 shopping spree. While they signed up, you were suppose to go into your spiel about buying a portrait. This was mine: “Oh…um….we’re also selling portraits? Yeah…um…so if you’re not interested, I won’t bother talking about it?”

Not a seller.

I loved those badges, though. I wanted every last stinkin’ one of them even though I had no desire to master the skill the badge represented. I had four. My memory’s hazy but I believe I had the “Shows ability to breathe” badge, “Showed up for a Girl Scouts meeting” badge, “Really wants a badge” badge, and “Ate the most Girl Scouts cookies” badge. Not an illustrious career.

I would like to say I got out because I didn’t approve of the Girl Scouts’ pro-abortion, pro-hot sex and pro-Communist agenda, but that would make me crazy. And I rather let Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris say it for me (I believe his letter to the Republican caucus earns him the “Batshit crazy” badge).

Judging from his picture, I would say Bob has a very healthy attitude toward sex and is living the Christian life that he should. This is Bob:

"I look completely normal."

Now why is Bob writing this letter? Well because the Indiana Legislature is poised to pass some meaningless resolution recognizing the 100th anniversary of the nefarious undertakings of the Girl Scouts of America. Bob found all of his information from talking to “well-informed constituents” and surfing the Web. I engaged in the same rigorous study and uncovered that Bob Morris’s brain was eaten by woodchucks (source:

The Girl Scouts have become a “tactical arm of Planned Parenthood” and are in danger of making “our daughters” more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda, he writes.

Dammit! Are you telling me I missed out on this badge!?!

How did that happen!?! I am ALL about abortions. I love me some abortions. What woman doesn’t?!? That’s why I say I’m pro-abortion because that is what that side believes in, baby (or I should say notbaby).

“A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet ‘Happy, Healthy and Hot.’ The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as ‘just about vaginal or anal intercourse. There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!'” Bob writes.

Now I could find no proof anywhere that this actually happened, but neither could I find proof that a Bob Morris fundraiser last year included a demonstration on how to have tantric sex with livestock. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But I’m totally bummed that I missed out on the “Hot sex” badge:

Many people are abandoning Girl Scouts because they promote a homosexual lifestyle, Bob writes. The Girl Scouts encourage girls to examine the lives of 50 (unidentified) role models who are predominately gay, feminist or communist or all three, states Bob. There is no reason to identify the role models. The same way there is no reason to fact check this statement: Bob Morris had a love child with Osama Bin Laden.

Is communism still a thing to be scared about?  Oh yes, that’s right, I could have gotten this badge:

Bob’s daughters used to be active in their girl scout troup, but not anymore. I hope it has something to do with their hatred of camping, but I fear it has more to do with their father being beyond awful.

And unfortunately there is no Girl Scout badge for that.


  1. Osama bin Laden may actually have had better taste than that.

    My daughter quit scouting because her troop only worked on badges for things like personal hygiene. I am sure that Bob would agree that teaching children to keep themselves clean is like giving them permission to bump like bunnies.

  2. I always wondered why my parents never signed me up for Girls Scouts, and now I know it’s because I was already a baby-hating, hot-sex loving Communist.

  3. Way to go Bob! Remember when we were in Boy Scouts together and you put your penis in the tree knothole and said “This is what I think of Mother Nature?” and the Scout Leader told you that you were going to burn in hell? And you started crying and said “Someday I’ll be a politician and get you fired!”? And then you turned to me and I told you that someday Speaker 7 would expose you for being a fraud? And that your haircut looks great, as long as you’re a 1967 football coach?

  4. I was a girl scout for 11 years and I loved it. It was my thing since I wasn’t good enough at sports or at the rest of life. It makes me beam with pride and joy every time some idiot doesn’t understand the true meaning of girl scouts: service, cookies, leadership, cookies, sisterhood, and more cookies. I think this douche-canoe is just jealous that he can’t join in on all the hot sex.

  5. wow. as usual your blog is a huge informant for me. first of all – i want that freakin’ hanger badge, damnit. can i buy it in your store??? do you have a store? or do i actually have to have an unsafe abortion to get it? second of all – the girl scouts “the tactical arm of planned parenthood”??? what next? really? i am OUT OF TOUCH. lastly – i was a girl scout but because i was absolutely not motivated in any way to do any kind of anything to get the badges (apparently my motivation is much like it is now), my mom quit sending me (and i think because she had to pay some sort of fee we could never afford). thank you for another post chuck full of great information.

    1. I wish I could take credit for all the knowledge-gaining that is happening, but all the credit goes to Bob Morris who talked to some people, looked on the Internet and uncovered the Truth. He is the true hero, a truth hero.

  6. ,em>I joined the Boy Scouts once. I bought all the gear; shirt, scarf, Scout manual, merit badge sash for all those merit badges. Troop 103. It lasted three weeks. Sponsor’s quit. Didn’t even make it past “Tenderfoot.” Did memorize the scout motto though. Don’t remember anything in there like “Bob” describes.

  7. What Rep. Bob Morris really represents, is a far right wing Christian social conservative holy war against all women, including their daughters, and an all out war against all women and men who refuse to believe in the same toxic world view that these religious fanatics embrace. The right wing holy warriors believe that they have a monopoly on religious truth, and a divine mission from God to force everyone else to live according to their version of God’s law. They would rejoice if they succeeded in dragging our society back into those dark ages, when women were treated more like property than people, and burning witches was considered doing the Lord’s work to rid the world from evil.

  8. I was in the Cubs. I got the housework badge. Then they made me learn how to tie knots. I had a meltdown over the knots and quit. Look where I am now: writing comments on dangerous, pinko, lefty blogs. Maybe the housework badge was a trap. Anyone boy who got it was instantly tagged and fed into a database to be monitored as a potential subversive.

  9. My mom recently left me a shirt to take home in the bin of crap she always leaves for me in my parents’ entryway. The faded, well-worn size 4 shirt is printed with “Here Comes A Brownie” on the front. And “There Goes A Brownie” on the back. Memories.

    I don’t know where I’m going with this but for some reason it just feels right to mention this. I loved this post just about as much as I loved that shirt. Which was A LOT.

  10. Speaker7 you are brilliant. I am on the treadmill trying not to wet my pants, keep moving, and see what you will come up with for the next merit badge.

    I was a cub scout leader for a year. I nearly buried all 5 boys and would have gladly gone to the gallows for having killed them all. It was 15 years ago and I still have nightmares. And they weren’t even into hot sex.

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